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Oh, wow, this dude....
Dear Care and Feeding,
I had an affair—a choice I recognize was a hurtful one, but was born out of a really difficult time in my soon-to-be-former marriage. My question is how to get back on track with my kids, who are angry and refuse to speak to me, six months into the divorce process. They’re old enough to have input into their own custody decisions, and it seems like I will have to pay while never getting to really see them.
My wife wasn’t careful and had an oops pregnancy. We already have a teenage son and daughter. The pregnancy was complicated and she didn’t do much around the house, leaving a lot of extra work in my hands, and we stopped having sex. I was stressed, underappreciated and exhausted, and caved when a younger coworker approached me. The affair became a lifeline when my wife lost our son at birth and then didn’t recover well, including two weeks in the hospital where I was forced to manage the household and our kids alone, while also grieving my lost son.
I was stressed, grieving and it led to taking bigger risks, until I took a much too-big-risk, and my kids walked in on my girlfriend and me. They panicked and called my wife, and she went straight for a lawyer. The kids are in counseling, and I show up to see them every weekend, but they still won’t talk to me. I suspect my wife is badmouthing me to them, but can’t prove it. How do I get things back to normal? Everyone makes mistakes, and they should be old enough to know that fidelity and marriage are complicated, but they are unwilling to listen.
—“Bad” Guy, Good Father
Dear BGGF,
Before I address the substance of you letter, I am incredibly sorry for the trauma that you and your wife experienced in losing your son. That is a terrible experience for anyone to go through, no matter the circumstances.
I can understand how a strained marriage or a big loss can lead to choices like infidelity. You were frustrated, hurting, and looking for relief. But, you chose to seek comfort for yourself rather than finding it with, and providing it to, your family. We humans are all selfish from time to time, but you completely unraveled your kids’ world at a time when they, and their mother, needed you most. You betrayed your children and abandoned the family. The feelings your children likely have about that betrayal do not fade easily, and even if your children do eventually forgive you, you might need to accept that things may not be the same between you.
It is not your kids’ responsibility to forgive your actions simply because marriage is complicated. It would also be inappropriate for you to share the details of the difficulties in your marriage. And even if you did, letter writer, I’m not sure you would come off that great. Examine the language you use in your letter. You characterize the pregnancy as your wife’s fault, but it takes two people to create a baby. (Did you get a vasectomy, or wear condoms during sex? If not, your actions also contributed to an oops pregnancy.) You seem to feel wronged that you had to pick up the slack around the house, though you say your wife had a difficult pregnancy. And then to say you were “forced” to manage the household alone while she was recovering in the hospital. These words might be the result of hasty letter writing, but they read as entitled and selfish. You seem to want absolution from your children, but from what I am reading here, you have a long way to go before that can be possible.
There is no option but to give your kids the space they need. It seems to me that you created the circumstances that got you into your current situation. At the risk of using the obvious cliché, you made your bed and have to lie in it. With time, and probably a lot of therapy for you and them, I hope you and your kids can one day reconcile.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/affair-divorce-children-advice.html
I had an affair—a choice I recognize was a hurtful one, but was born out of a really difficult time in my soon-to-be-former marriage. My question is how to get back on track with my kids, who are angry and refuse to speak to me, six months into the divorce process. They’re old enough to have input into their own custody decisions, and it seems like I will have to pay while never getting to really see them.
My wife wasn’t careful and had an oops pregnancy. We already have a teenage son and daughter. The pregnancy was complicated and she didn’t do much around the house, leaving a lot of extra work in my hands, and we stopped having sex. I was stressed, underappreciated and exhausted, and caved when a younger coworker approached me. The affair became a lifeline when my wife lost our son at birth and then didn’t recover well, including two weeks in the hospital where I was forced to manage the household and our kids alone, while also grieving my lost son.
I was stressed, grieving and it led to taking bigger risks, until I took a much too-big-risk, and my kids walked in on my girlfriend and me. They panicked and called my wife, and she went straight for a lawyer. The kids are in counseling, and I show up to see them every weekend, but they still won’t talk to me. I suspect my wife is badmouthing me to them, but can’t prove it. How do I get things back to normal? Everyone makes mistakes, and they should be old enough to know that fidelity and marriage are complicated, but they are unwilling to listen.
—“Bad” Guy, Good Father
Dear BGGF,
Before I address the substance of you letter, I am incredibly sorry for the trauma that you and your wife experienced in losing your son. That is a terrible experience for anyone to go through, no matter the circumstances.
I can understand how a strained marriage or a big loss can lead to choices like infidelity. You were frustrated, hurting, and looking for relief. But, you chose to seek comfort for yourself rather than finding it with, and providing it to, your family. We humans are all selfish from time to time, but you completely unraveled your kids’ world at a time when they, and their mother, needed you most. You betrayed your children and abandoned the family. The feelings your children likely have about that betrayal do not fade easily, and even if your children do eventually forgive you, you might need to accept that things may not be the same between you.
It is not your kids’ responsibility to forgive your actions simply because marriage is complicated. It would also be inappropriate for you to share the details of the difficulties in your marriage. And even if you did, letter writer, I’m not sure you would come off that great. Examine the language you use in your letter. You characterize the pregnancy as your wife’s fault, but it takes two people to create a baby. (Did you get a vasectomy, or wear condoms during sex? If not, your actions also contributed to an oops pregnancy.) You seem to feel wronged that you had to pick up the slack around the house, though you say your wife had a difficult pregnancy. And then to say you were “forced” to manage the household alone while she was recovering in the hospital. These words might be the result of hasty letter writing, but they read as entitled and selfish. You seem to want absolution from your children, but from what I am reading here, you have a long way to go before that can be possible.
There is no option but to give your kids the space they need. It seems to me that you created the circumstances that got you into your current situation. At the risk of using the obvious cliché, you made your bed and have to lie in it. With time, and probably a lot of therapy for you and them, I hope you and your kids can one day reconcile.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/affair-divorce-children-advice.html
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It's his wife's fault she got pregnant, and it's her fault that she had an affair, and it's her fault AGAIN that they can't forgive him for having sex with his girlfriend where they would eventually be sure to walk in on them and witness this.
I suspect my wife is badmouthing me to them, but can’t prove it.
Your wife doesn't have to badmouth you, asshole! Your kids walked in on you having sex with your girlfriend, because you couldn't keep it in your pants long enough to go somewhere private and secure!
Also, don't think that Care and Feeding didn't pick up on this little tidbit just because they didn't call it out:
They’re old enough to have input into their own custody decisions, and it seems like I will have to pay while never getting to really see them.
If I can see that you care more about paying money for your kids, your kids can see it too, asshole.
You're not a good father, LW. You're just a cheater.
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You get things back to normal by going to therapy, trying to figure out why other people object to things you do, and taking their objections seriously. You do not try and force an apology, or try and force your kids to interact with you when they don't want to.
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Child support is about giving your children what you owe them and what they are entitled to. It's not about you buying their time and positive feelings towards you.
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The plain truth is that you done fucked up. Your best option is to realise it, face up to it, and keep the channels open to your children while not expecting anything from them. In a decade or two or three, you might be able to have an adult relationship with them. Then again, given what a crappy human being you sound, I'm doubtful.
FTR, my dad did pretty much what you did, realised he screwed up, made amends, and thirty years later our relationship is good. But he 'made a mistake' and he didn't try to smooth it over; he faced the music, did the time, and now has five adult kids who would all grieve his loss if he died.