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agonyaunt2022-07-26 01:38 pm
petrea_mitchell) wrote in agonyaunt2022-07-26 01:38 pm
Why Tho? I’m sick of feeding other people’s kids
Could an admin-type person please create a "why tho?" tag?
Dear Lizzy,
We’re lower income. I’ve had a few different experiences that I don’t know how to deal with:
First, we invited my child’s classmate to come with us for a week at the beach. He was a huge eater. His parents did not offer to contribute in any way to meals, entry fees, or any other expenses. What is the etiquette/how do we ask parents to contribute next time?
Second, my middle school child made a plan for a mate to come over after dance class. In front of me and her child, the schoolmate’s mom handed her daughter a $20 bill saying, “This is to cover you if you go out for lunch.” We did go out to lunch, around the corner from a toy store. When the check came the mate pulled out the $20 bill, waved it a bit, looking me straight in the eyes, while saying, “Hey let’s go to the toy store.” Then she got up and headed to the toy store with the $20. This child has done this to me 3-4 times. She also routinely does it to my child if they go to Starbucks, etc. She pockets the money her (wealthy) parents give her to pay her share, saving it for things for her personal enjoyment, letting the other person pay her way.
Third, my child has a lot of friends and they like to hang out at our house. It’s not uncommon for there to be 4-5 kids over from the time school gets out until late at night on Friday and all day Saturday. I have never met these kids’ parents. I want to give my child dinner when dinner time rolls around, and his friends are hungry, too. Initially, I ordered pizza, wings, etc. to feed the whole crowd. I have now fed the whole crowd half a dozen Fridays in a row, and I hate that I’m feeling resentful. I want to feed my child, and I know these other kids also are hungry, but I just can’t afford to keep doing this. All these kids’ parents must know that someone is feeding their children week after week after week, but there’s no offer to contribute or reciprocate.
Suggestions?
Feeding Other People’s Children
Dear Feeding Other People’s Children,
I’m sorry you are feeling resentful, because I think with just a few changes in the way you are looking at this problem, you will see some really great things are happening here, you just need to change a few small things. Your children seem like they have a lot of friends who consider your home to be a safe and fun place to be. That’s amazing!
But, you need to start setting some boundaries and also start communicating, with your kids and with the parents of the kids’ friends.
First, I think if you invite another child on vacation, unless you have a very specific conversation during the invitation, you just have to expect you will be on the hook for all costs associated with the trip. So, if that’s not tenable, you either can’t bring other kids on vacation or you have to get comfortable with telling other parents that you would love for Johnny to come along but it’s going to be however much you determine a day. Unfortunately, you can’t be delicate or subtle about this and expect to get the money you need. You just have to ask.
The second problem is a bit more tricky, especially since both you and your child have developed a pattern of allowing this girl to walk all over you. It’s time for you to be more assertive and also teach your child to be more assertive. You need to tell her, next time, when the bill comes, “Can I have the $20 your mom gave you to pay for your food?” Or, tell the server you are on separate checks. Your child should also stop paying for her. Your child can just say, “Sorry my mom says I can’t pay for other people.”
Another option is to not invite this girl out to lunch or any other activities that require money, or any events at all actually because she seems like she isn’t treating you or your child with much respect.
And now, part three. You are definitely the fun house, where Mom is supplying yummy food and not even remotely in communication with other parents. It’s a party every weekend! I’d be there too! Step one, I think, is talking to your son about why these kids are coming over every weekend and how you two can work together to set limits for them (and him). Be honest with him – you can’t afford to feed this crowd of kids all the time.
Ask to meet your child’s friends’ parents. This will give you a better sense of the situation – are these kids not getting food at home? You also might be able to build a relationship with these parents and talk to them about occasionally hosting the gang.
You can set limits on how often your son can have friends over on Friday nights. Some nights it might just need to be family dinner night. It’s OK to set boundaries like that and it’s part of your job to teach your kids about boundaries and limits. It’s also perfectly reasonable to say, to your child’s friends, “It’s 6 p.m. and it’s a family dinner night so you all need to head home now!”
Set the expectation in advance, even before he goes to school on Friday.
And then stop ordering pizza and wings every time a crowd is over. Make a salad or PBJs. Buy some tortillas, beans and cheese and tell these, I’m assuming high school-aged, boys to make themselves dinner.
Ultimately, it seems like your kids are well-liked and their friends really like you and trust you and feel safe in your home. You can maintain that, but you need to take care of yourself too, and model good boundary setting for your children at the same time.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Dear Lizzy,
We’re lower income. I’ve had a few different experiences that I don’t know how to deal with:
First, we invited my child’s classmate to come with us for a week at the beach. He was a huge eater. His parents did not offer to contribute in any way to meals, entry fees, or any other expenses. What is the etiquette/how do we ask parents to contribute next time?
Second, my middle school child made a plan for a mate to come over after dance class. In front of me and her child, the schoolmate’s mom handed her daughter a $20 bill saying, “This is to cover you if you go out for lunch.” We did go out to lunch, around the corner from a toy store. When the check came the mate pulled out the $20 bill, waved it a bit, looking me straight in the eyes, while saying, “Hey let’s go to the toy store.” Then she got up and headed to the toy store with the $20. This child has done this to me 3-4 times. She also routinely does it to my child if they go to Starbucks, etc. She pockets the money her (wealthy) parents give her to pay her share, saving it for things for her personal enjoyment, letting the other person pay her way.
Third, my child has a lot of friends and they like to hang out at our house. It’s not uncommon for there to be 4-5 kids over from the time school gets out until late at night on Friday and all day Saturday. I have never met these kids’ parents. I want to give my child dinner when dinner time rolls around, and his friends are hungry, too. Initially, I ordered pizza, wings, etc. to feed the whole crowd. I have now fed the whole crowd half a dozen Fridays in a row, and I hate that I’m feeling resentful. I want to feed my child, and I know these other kids also are hungry, but I just can’t afford to keep doing this. All these kids’ parents must know that someone is feeding their children week after week after week, but there’s no offer to contribute or reciprocate.
Suggestions?
Feeding Other People’s Children
Dear Feeding Other People’s Children,
I’m sorry you are feeling resentful, because I think with just a few changes in the way you are looking at this problem, you will see some really great things are happening here, you just need to change a few small things. Your children seem like they have a lot of friends who consider your home to be a safe and fun place to be. That’s amazing!
But, you need to start setting some boundaries and also start communicating, with your kids and with the parents of the kids’ friends.
First, I think if you invite another child on vacation, unless you have a very specific conversation during the invitation, you just have to expect you will be on the hook for all costs associated with the trip. So, if that’s not tenable, you either can’t bring other kids on vacation or you have to get comfortable with telling other parents that you would love for Johnny to come along but it’s going to be however much you determine a day. Unfortunately, you can’t be delicate or subtle about this and expect to get the money you need. You just have to ask.
The second problem is a bit more tricky, especially since both you and your child have developed a pattern of allowing this girl to walk all over you. It’s time for you to be more assertive and also teach your child to be more assertive. You need to tell her, next time, when the bill comes, “Can I have the $20 your mom gave you to pay for your food?” Or, tell the server you are on separate checks. Your child should also stop paying for her. Your child can just say, “Sorry my mom says I can’t pay for other people.”
Another option is to not invite this girl out to lunch or any other activities that require money, or any events at all actually because she seems like she isn’t treating you or your child with much respect.
And now, part three. You are definitely the fun house, where Mom is supplying yummy food and not even remotely in communication with other parents. It’s a party every weekend! I’d be there too! Step one, I think, is talking to your son about why these kids are coming over every weekend and how you two can work together to set limits for them (and him). Be honest with him – you can’t afford to feed this crowd of kids all the time.
Ask to meet your child’s friends’ parents. This will give you a better sense of the situation – are these kids not getting food at home? You also might be able to build a relationship with these parents and talk to them about occasionally hosting the gang.
You can set limits on how often your son can have friends over on Friday nights. Some nights it might just need to be family dinner night. It’s OK to set boundaries like that and it’s part of your job to teach your kids about boundaries and limits. It’s also perfectly reasonable to say, to your child’s friends, “It’s 6 p.m. and it’s a family dinner night so you all need to head home now!”
Set the expectation in advance, even before he goes to school on Friday.
And then stop ordering pizza and wings every time a crowd is over. Make a salad or PBJs. Buy some tortillas, beans and cheese and tell these, I’m assuming high school-aged, boys to make themselves dinner.
Ultimately, it seems like your kids are well-liked and their friends really like you and trust you and feel safe in your home. You can maintain that, but you need to take care of yourself too, and model good boundary setting for your children at the same time.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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There's a lot of social/etiquette baggage about bringing up money in that situation, and at the same time if all the other parents are at a similar level of financial comfort where the crowd of teens wouldn't be a big deal it will never occur to them that LW isn't until LW brings it up.
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Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. People should think of this kind of thing but they don't. LW will have to ask. Good luck, LW, especially if you have less money than the other parents.
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a. continuing to allow that kid to come with them for lunch or
b. not saying directly "No, sweetie, your mother gave you that to cover your lunch. Pay for your lunch first, and THEN we will consider going to the toy store." Or, better yet, taking the money off of her right as her mom gives it to her and saying they'll "hold onto it" until Mom gets back. Then LW can give change and receipt to the other parent later.
As for situation 3, LW needs to find a few cheap and filling-but-boring meals and start making those week after week. Pasta with tomato sauce will fill a crowd on the cheap - especially if you either make the sauce yourself or buy the canned sauce instead of the jars - and while the kids will eat it, they won't come over just to have it. Alternatively, I actually have quite a wide repetoire of dishes that are basically cabbage + potatoes with optional ground beef/sausage and/or egg noodles and/or carrots. You cannot get cheaper than that, honestly, and none of these recipes taste bad, but nobody is going to ask for the recipe for their mom. They're just food to eat. Give 'em all apples for dessert and call it a day. (Edit: I forgot. You can get cheaper than that, and it's called "beans and rice". One week Mexican, another week Indian, just swap back and forth.)
Alternatively, they need to start sending these kids home half an hour before dinner time except when they've already decided in advance to feed them. You don't even need to talk to the parents. Just say "Welp, time to cook dinner, EVERYBODY OUT!" at a set time.
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Yes. My first thought was start a crock pot of soup or chili Friday mornings, and there’s the kids’ dinner ready for that night.
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I doubt that either of these is an option psychologically.
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