Care & Feeding: abuse & the next generation l

[laurajv]

cw child abuse, foster care stuff

Dear Care and Feeding,
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-wife. When I finally was able to get the help to leave safely and build a case against my ex, our child had to go into foster care. It took me years and the support of incredible people to rebuild my life, but I’m proud to say that I am recovering, have a good job with financial security, and have remarried an amazing woman and started a family. We couldn’t ask for a better life. However, the child who had to go into foster care from the abusive first marriage just aged-out of the system and therefore was able to find me. I am doing much better than I thought possible back then, but a lot can still trigger me, and I struggle with guilt around being abused and being made to feel that things are my fault when they aren’t.
This young woman has not done the work I have and is replaying patterns from years ago, and her invading my family feels like I have my abusive ex back. She will not take polite or direct requests to leave us alone, and shows up at our house with no warning, seemingly only to talk about problems from years ago just to get a rise out of us. She’s even told my kids (who are only 5 and 9!) that I am not to be trusted and to “watch out” for signs that I’ll “abandon them.” She seems to blame me for the abuse my ex committed, and only scoffed when I tried to kindly point out that she was perpetrating the myths about men being abused. My kids are distressed about these violent and false accusations that I’ll abandon them, but I can’t see a way of getting rid of her short of getting a restraining order. She won’t leave us alone, or stop coming back, no matter how politely or angrily we tell her to.
I can’t tell if my past abuse is preventing me from recognizing that I have to take action against her. Is there a less extreme way to protect my family, or has she already brought us to the point of legal intervention?
— Abusive Ex: The Next Generation

Dear Next Generation,
This is an incredibly difficult situation. While you have to do what it takes to protect your young children and to care for yourself, I urge you to try and summon some empathy for your eldest. As you speak of her in this letter, it sounds as if she’s some random person who has ill-will towards you for no good reason. You are surely aware of the heartbreaking set of circumstances she has had to navigate throughout her own life; it isn’t surprising that she, your child, has not “done the work” that you have been able to do towards your own healing. Furthermore, I would imagine that from her perspective, you should have cared for her on your own instead of allowing for her to be funneled into the foster care system.
Try again to speak to your daughter, one-on-one, about the experiences that you had with her mother and the choices you made regarding her care. Ask her to understand and consider forgiving you. Acknowledge that this situation was difficult for you both, but that it was not your intent to “abandon” her, only to put an end to the violence that was taking place in your home. Let her know that it’s okay for her to feel hurt, angry, and neglected. Let her talk to you about what her life has been like and what she experienced since leaving your care. She has a right to be upset, and it’s understandable that you are the target of much of that. Offer her time with you, see if she’s willing to meet up once a week, or once a month, just to talk.
It is possible that she’s not going to respond favorably and will continue harassing you. If so, you have no choice but to seek out an order of protection and to do what you can to keep her away from the rest of your family. However, I think you owe it to her to try and make amends, to try and build a relationship with her. Can you honestly say that you’ve opened your doors with love to your daughter? That you went out of your way to find her before she found you? That you’ve let her know that what happened to her wasn’t her fault?
She has a lot of healing to do and hopefully, she will get the opportunity to do so; however, I think it’s important that you address the sense of detachment from her that you seem to have and remember that she’s not a stranger, and she’s not your abusive ex. She is your own child, and she doesn’t have much reason thus far to believe that you love and care for her.
Try to let her know that you do, and prove it. Wishing you all the best.

Comments

[laurajv]

This letter actually........like, I am not minimizing what the LW went through, but he has been stable enough for AT LEAST TEN YEARS, judging by the age of his first child with his current wife, to take his first child out of foster care.

She JUST AGED OUT, so she's 18. HE LEFT AN EIGHT YEAR OLD IN FOSTER CARE. HE HAD TEN YEARS TO GET HER OUT AND DID NOT.

Fuck you, LW.

[melannen]

Also the impression I got is that at least these days, most foster systems do their best to make it possible for the kids to still have contact with parents, as long as it isn't judged dangerous to them! Which makes me think this guy didn't just make a decision to let her go into care, he actively cut off contact.

(Whereas from the way he tells it in the letter he doesn't seem to have ever made a single decision about her ever, things just 'happened' inevitably.)

[cereta]

JFC, yes. I cannot imagine the pain and rage I would feel to discover that my parent, who had apparently gotten their life together well enough to start another family and had not in the intervening decade so much as taken me out for a weekly ice-cream cone, much less made me a part of this new family. And no, she shouldn't be approaching the children, but you know, she's not wrong that he's not to be trusted. "Not done the work"? You left an eight year old in foster care, probably in the legal limbo that would keep her from being adopted (even if it were likely at her age), and you're judging her for not doing the complex psychological work to recover from an abusive household?

He seems to have taken the valid idea that the abuse was not his fault to extend to nothing being his responsibility, including the child he helped create.

I wish I could address the daughter and tell her just to move on and work on creating the best future she can. And also to give her a hug.

[conuly]

Yeah.

[lemonsharks]

Before making a judgment I want to know whether taking the daughter out of foster care would have also meant his abusive wife coming back into both their lives. Which is information we do not have from the letter.

[cereta]

Given his overall focus on himself and his recovery and the distancing language he uses ("our child" becomes "the child," "this young woman"), I suspect that if there were the slightest way to make it clear that none of this is his fault, he'd have said it. I could be wrong; he doesn't seem to feel he needs to justify his actions, but I'm not all that inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.

[katiedid717]

THIS EXACTLY. I can't blame her at all for feeling like he went "This family is broken, I'm going to throw it away and get a new one"

[shirou]

LW doesn't acknowledge "the child" as his daughter or a member of his family. He doesn't acknowledge any responsibility towards her. It's chilling. Maybe his ex-wife is even worse, but LW is without doubt a horrible person.

[lethe1]

Yup.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, like, from "our child" at the beginning to:

• started a family
• the child
• This young woman
• her invading my family
• She’s even told my kids
• My kids are distressed
• getting rid of her
• She won’t leave us alone
• no matter how politely or angrily we tell her to.

He thinks that his daughter that he left in the foster care system is a complete stranger who has no right to want something from him at best. At worst, he's blaming her for the abuse he suffered.

And as for these violent and false accusations that I’ll abandon them? Dude, how are they false? Your entire letter is the statement that you so much abandoned your eldest child, when she was younger than your 9 year old, that you refuse to think of her as anything but a stranger. Your younger kids are right to be scared, LW -- you did a fucking awful thing. And while maybe you had to do it in the moment, you chose not to go back for your own daughter when you could. Your two younger kids should never trust you again.

[cereta]

Yeah, the "Abusive Ex: The Next Generation" was particularly charming.

[ashbet]

1) The LW sounds awful and callous, and I really feel for this poor teenager.

2) The "leave safely and build a case" part makes me wonder if there was a criminal trial involved, and possibly termination of parental rights. There's a possibility that the child was taken by the state, as opposed to voluntarily surrendered, and there could have been a situation where contact with the child would require shared custody or contact with the abusive ex.

Regardless, those facts weren't stated in the letter, they're just supposition.

The LW needs to find compassion for his child, who rightfully deserves it.

[laurajv]

My...guess, after considering it for some time, is that he left the state when he left his wife; that there WAS a criminal case and his ex ended up prison, and the state the child resided in was unable to force an out-of-state parent to take custody. But that's a guess.

[cimorene]

Yeah, like I guess... it's possible for the bare facts stated here to have come about through no fault of the LW, and in spite of him trying his best, perhaps. But that would also mean a bunch of other circumstances that it would be weird to leave out and the fact that the letter does so, plus his phrasing... kinda makes it seem like he doesn't have the faintest idea of his responsibility for this child. So the balance of the evidence is definitely on the side of him being a thoroughly repugnant person.

[conuly]

Clearly he has not done as much work as he thinks if he's blaming his daughter for being traumatized.

[castiron]

Oh, come on, everyone knows that a minor in foster care has unlimited access to therapy, so clearly it's the kid's own fault that they didn't take advantage of it while they were living their happy and stable life! (close sarcasm tag)

[conuly]

When you're right, you're right. I withdraw my previous comment. /s

[julian]

This letter is confusing.

Did you... actually just not have contact with your kid for 10 years? Why? Could we get into that a little? Please?

[castiron]

I struggle with guilt around being abused and being made to feel that things are my fault when they aren’t.

Good news, LW! It actually is your fault that you made no effort to get the child who had to go into foster care from the abusive first marriage your oldest child out of foster care (or even stay in touch with her) once you got your life stabilized! So there's nothing to struggle with here!

[green_grrl]

As you speak of her in this letter, it sounds as if she’s some random person who has ill-will towards you for no good reason. You are surely aware of the heartbreaking set of circumstances she has had to navigate throughout her own life; it isn’t surprising that she, your child, has not “done the work” that you have been able to do towards your own healing. Furthermore, I would imagine that from her perspective, you should have cared for her on your own instead of allowing for her to be funneled into the foster care system.
Try again to speak to your daughter, one-on-one, about the experiences that you had with her mother and the choices you made regarding her care.

Whaaaaat? At a bare minimum, leaving aside aaaall the issues around yes, this parent did abandon their child to foster care… How is the advice columnist jumping from “this child has unsurprisingly not done the work” to “just have a 1:1”? Like, shouldn’t this parent be offering their eldest to pay for therapy, plus offering to participate in family therapy?

[jadelennox]

On top of all the other WTFery in this letter, LW hasn't actually talked to his daughter, so he has no idea if her decade in foster care led to her being a victim of abuse or neglect herself, which may happen to as many as a third of foster kids.

(And of course since she also lived in the abusive home and spent a decade in foster care, she's also unquestionably traumatized, even if her foster placement was amazing. That shit has real, physiological impact on developing brains. An adult who "couldn’t ask for a better life" has a responsibility to that kid even if it weren't his doing that they had no contact.)

[ethelmay]

Yes, absolutely this.

[ashbet]

Even if the reason was “I was legally prohibited from contacting you,” or “afraid my abusive ex could track you down through me if we were in contact,” or “wasn’t a fit parent due to addiction and trauma” at the time…

…there is NOTHING preventing him from showing his teenage daughter some compassion NOW.

She’s not an unwelcome memento of a horrific past, she’s a HUMAN BEING HE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD.

[cereta]

I would just add that women are routinely excoriated not only for "allowing" an abusive ex access to the kids (when courts all too often do not take abusive behavior to a spouse into account for custody) but even for not staying and continuing to be abused if they can't get sole custody.

[melannen]

Thank you for adding this.

I don't think it's good to blame people from leaving behind kids of abusive relationships (especially ones they may have been coerced into creating), if the options are leave alone or stay. Or even if they believe the kid is in a stable situation and don't want to still be part of it; being abused or coerced into contributing genes to an abuser doesn't morally obligate you to a lifetime commitment.

That said - you don't have to be a dick about it, and this guy is being a dick about it. (Okay, maybe if you're still deeply traumatized from the abuse you do have to be a dick about it, but this guy thinks he's doing enough better that he can criticize other people's recoveries, and he's clearly not still in therapy or he'd have talked to his therapist about this, so... he's choosing to be a dick about it.)

[ethelmay]

I can't help but wonder if maybe the ex wasn't the only one who was abusive (or maybe he had a substance abuse problem or something) and he wasn't allowed to see his daughter.