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Care & Feeding: abuse & the next generation l
cw child abuse, foster care stuff
Dear Care and Feeding,
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-wife. When I finally was able to get the help to leave safely and build a case against my ex, our child had to go into foster care. It took me years and the support of incredible people to rebuild my life, but I’m proud to say that I am recovering, have a good job with financial security, and have remarried an amazing woman and started a family. We couldn’t ask for a better life. However, the child who had to go into foster care from the abusive first marriage just aged-out of the system and therefore was able to find me. I am doing much better than I thought possible back then, but a lot can still trigger me, and I struggle with guilt around being abused and being made to feel that things are my fault when they aren’t.
This young woman has not done the work I have and is replaying patterns from years ago, and her invading my family feels like I have my abusive ex back. She will not take polite or direct requests to leave us alone, and shows up at our house with no warning, seemingly only to talk about problems from years ago just to get a rise out of us. She’s even told my kids (who are only 5 and 9!) that I am not to be trusted and to “watch out” for signs that I’ll “abandon them.” She seems to blame me for the abuse my ex committed, and only scoffed when I tried to kindly point out that she was perpetrating the myths about men being abused. My kids are distressed about these violent and false accusations that I’ll abandon them, but I can’t see a way of getting rid of her short of getting a restraining order. She won’t leave us alone, or stop coming back, no matter how politely or angrily we tell her to.
I can’t tell if my past abuse is preventing me from recognizing that I have to take action against her. Is there a less extreme way to protect my family, or has she already brought us to the point of legal intervention?
— Abusive Ex: The Next Generation
Dear Next Generation,
This is an incredibly difficult situation. While you have to do what it takes to protect your young children and to care for yourself, I urge you to try and summon some empathy for your eldest. As you speak of her in this letter, it sounds as if she’s some random person who has ill-will towards you for no good reason. You are surely aware of the heartbreaking set of circumstances she has had to navigate throughout her own life; it isn’t surprising that she, your child, has not “done the work” that you have been able to do towards your own healing. Furthermore, I would imagine that from her perspective, you should have cared for her on your own instead of allowing for her to be funneled into the foster care system.
Try again to speak to your daughter, one-on-one, about the experiences that you had with her mother and the choices you made regarding her care. Ask her to understand and consider forgiving you. Acknowledge that this situation was difficult for you both, but that it was not your intent to “abandon” her, only to put an end to the violence that was taking place in your home. Let her know that it’s okay for her to feel hurt, angry, and neglected. Let her talk to you about what her life has been like and what she experienced since leaving your care. She has a right to be upset, and it’s understandable that you are the target of much of that. Offer her time with you, see if she’s willing to meet up once a week, or once a month, just to talk.
It is possible that she’s not going to respond favorably and will continue harassing you. If so, you have no choice but to seek out an order of protection and to do what you can to keep her away from the rest of your family. However, I think you owe it to her to try and make amends, to try and build a relationship with her. Can you honestly say that you’ve opened your doors with love to your daughter? That you went out of your way to find her before she found you? That you’ve let her know that what happened to her wasn’t her fault?
She has a lot of healing to do and hopefully, she will get the opportunity to do so; however, I think it’s important that you address the sense of detachment from her that you seem to have and remember that she’s not a stranger, and she’s not your abusive ex. She is your own child, and she doesn’t have much reason thus far to believe that you love and care for her.
Try to let her know that you do, and prove it. Wishing you all the best.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-wife. When I finally was able to get the help to leave safely and build a case against my ex, our child had to go into foster care. It took me years and the support of incredible people to rebuild my life, but I’m proud to say that I am recovering, have a good job with financial security, and have remarried an amazing woman and started a family. We couldn’t ask for a better life. However, the child who had to go into foster care from the abusive first marriage just aged-out of the system and therefore was able to find me. I am doing much better than I thought possible back then, but a lot can still trigger me, and I struggle with guilt around being abused and being made to feel that things are my fault when they aren’t.
This young woman has not done the work I have and is replaying patterns from years ago, and her invading my family feels like I have my abusive ex back. She will not take polite or direct requests to leave us alone, and shows up at our house with no warning, seemingly only to talk about problems from years ago just to get a rise out of us. She’s even told my kids (who are only 5 and 9!) that I am not to be trusted and to “watch out” for signs that I’ll “abandon them.” She seems to blame me for the abuse my ex committed, and only scoffed when I tried to kindly point out that she was perpetrating the myths about men being abused. My kids are distressed about these violent and false accusations that I’ll abandon them, but I can’t see a way of getting rid of her short of getting a restraining order. She won’t leave us alone, or stop coming back, no matter how politely or angrily we tell her to.
I can’t tell if my past abuse is preventing me from recognizing that I have to take action against her. Is there a less extreme way to protect my family, or has she already brought us to the point of legal intervention?
— Abusive Ex: The Next Generation
Dear Next Generation,
This is an incredibly difficult situation. While you have to do what it takes to protect your young children and to care for yourself, I urge you to try and summon some empathy for your eldest. As you speak of her in this letter, it sounds as if she’s some random person who has ill-will towards you for no good reason. You are surely aware of the heartbreaking set of circumstances she has had to navigate throughout her own life; it isn’t surprising that she, your child, has not “done the work” that you have been able to do towards your own healing. Furthermore, I would imagine that from her perspective, you should have cared for her on your own instead of allowing for her to be funneled into the foster care system.
Try again to speak to your daughter, one-on-one, about the experiences that you had with her mother and the choices you made regarding her care. Ask her to understand and consider forgiving you. Acknowledge that this situation was difficult for you both, but that it was not your intent to “abandon” her, only to put an end to the violence that was taking place in your home. Let her know that it’s okay for her to feel hurt, angry, and neglected. Let her talk to you about what her life has been like and what she experienced since leaving your care. She has a right to be upset, and it’s understandable that you are the target of much of that. Offer her time with you, see if she’s willing to meet up once a week, or once a month, just to talk.
It is possible that she’s not going to respond favorably and will continue harassing you. If so, you have no choice but to seek out an order of protection and to do what you can to keep her away from the rest of your family. However, I think you owe it to her to try and make amends, to try and build a relationship with her. Can you honestly say that you’ve opened your doors with love to your daughter? That you went out of your way to find her before she found you? That you’ve let her know that what happened to her wasn’t her fault?
She has a lot of healing to do and hopefully, she will get the opportunity to do so; however, I think it’s important that you address the sense of detachment from her that you seem to have and remember that she’s not a stranger, and she’s not your abusive ex. She is your own child, and she doesn’t have much reason thus far to believe that you love and care for her.
Try to let her know that you do, and prove it. Wishing you all the best.
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