Ask Amy: Grandma gets steamed by snippy, self-absorbed grandchild’s response to much needed donation

[shanaqui]

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything in a fire earlier this year. I reached out through Facebook to lament their loss, and many of my friends responded through donating money generously.

The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.

I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.

I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.

The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”

I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.

Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)

I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.

I put the money into my savings account.

I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.

Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.

– Offended Gran

Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.

The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)

Comments

[shanaqui]

It doesn't sound like Sal asked Gran for money, or I'm sure Gran would've made that quite clear. So that's one thing that raised my eyebrows here.

"Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again" sounds entirely reasonable: that is what Gran was doing, and Sal's no doubt been getting plenty of that (perhaps from Gran, perhaps from others). The "can't help you to set up Venmo" is perhaps not very considerate of Gran's feelings, but may well also be completely true.

I notice that the message we don't see verbatim is Sal's initial reply about how they want to receive the money. Did they say "thank you" already there? If not, then yes, a "thank you for your efforts on my behalf" is due, but as regards what to do with the money, Gran should take them at their word and do that instead of deciding she knows better than them. They're 26, not 6.

Gran should not be keeping the money if she's not giving it to Sal. If she wants to punish her grandchild for setting a boundary, then she should return the money, not sit on it and keep it for herself.

And, um, if Sal hasn't received the money because Gran has kept it in her savings account, why would Sal write a thank you message to the friends...? They haven't received any such money. For all they know, it doesn't exist.

[jadelennox]

Yes, it absolutely raised my eyebrows that there's no indication Sal requested -- or needed! -- the money. Maybe they did, but maybe they've been trying to cut ties with granny, or maybe they had excellent insurance, or one of the roommates has rich parents or a lucrative meth business and they just don't need it. Maybe Sal's is furious that granny told all of facebook their personal business without clearing it with them. Maybe one of the donors Sal is expected to thank is someone with whom they have toxic history. There's just so much missing here.

Gran should not be keeping the money if she's not giving it to Sal. If she wants to punish her grandchild for setting a boundary, then she should return the money, not sit on it and keep it for herself.

Man, I totally missed that. You're 100% right, and almost any other columnist would have pointed that out.

[cimorene]

Exactly! Her friends donated the money in good faith to someone who lost everything. She needs their explicit consent to just do what she sees fit with it. Otherwise she's defrauded them.

It's not just the aggrieved tone and the missing reasons galore - the one thing that most strongly emerges from this letter is a clear picture of someone who is incredibly self-absorbed. The odds that the writer of a letter like this was acting in good faith, included all the facts, etc. are almost zero.

[minoanmiss]

... this letter is from the future -- it's the same LW as "My grandchild was sick and No One Told Me". At least we know Sal recovered!

[troisoiseaux]

I notice that the message we don't see verbatim is Sal's initial reply about how they want to receive the money

We also don't see verbatim what Gran says-- just that it was "to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later." We don't know, e.g., how intrusive the advice was.

[ambyr]

I also raised an eyebrow at the disconnect between “I put the money into my savings account.” and “Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds”. Thanked them for what, grandma? You stole the money!