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agonyaunt2022-06-01 12:52 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-06-01 12:52 pm
Entry tags:
How To Do It: Swearing off PIV for awhile due to politics
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My husband and I currently live in a relatively rural part of the Deep South in a state with a trigger law that will basically ban abortion entirely if Roe v. Wade is overturned. I have a medical issue that means I can’t take hormonal birth control, and we’re having a really hard time finding doctors who will do sterilization surgery for me or a vasectomy for him (we’re both childfree and in our mid-20s). We are certain we do not want any children. We live several hours from the nearest Planned Parenthood and only have one car that we need to share. Our goal is to move away (hopefully to New England where we have some friends) when we can, but we don’t make a lot of money, and saving for a big move will take time.
Our plan is to basically just stop having any penetrative sex/do anything that could result in pregnancy. I’m just not comfortable with the risk, and condoms are only 85% effective in real life without a backup. Could you give us some advice on ways to have satisfying sexual experiences without PIV sex? We’re relatively young, were both raised in purity culture, and feel a little out of our depth here with the exploration.
—Stuck in the South
Currently, Roe v. Wade has not yet been overturned. The situation does look pretty grim though, so let’s go ahead and talk about your options.
You said that you live several hours from the nearest Planned Parenthood. I’m still wondering whether they would be willing to give you or your husband a sterilization procedure. It’s worth calling to ask—if you haven’t yet—and considering how to make it happen. If they’re willing, and you’re able to figure out how to get there without jeopardizing your jobs or financial situation, that would help take a huge load of worry off of y’all’s shoulders.
Before you take penis-in-vagina activity off the table entirely, you might consider condoms (which are, yes, according to Planned Parenthood only effective 85% of the time) plus the pullout method—where your partner pulls out of your vagina long before he ejaculates. This does rely on your partner knowing when he’s close to orgasm with enough time to remove his—condom sheathed!—penis from the vicinity of your uterus.
One thing that might help is to define satisfying sex for the two of you. Dr. Ian Kerner’s So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex is a great tool for thinking through the sex you have and fostering the qualities you value. The book has a whole chapter on outercourse, which is the term for all the rest of sex outside of PIV, that might give you some ideas. You also might give Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra a read for her perspective on full-body sex, and a considerable amount of suggestions for how to touch each other.
Oral sex can be a great way to give each other orgasms, as can digital sex—also known as sex with fingers and hands. Take your time, and engage your sense of play. What feels like it might be fun to do? Will tickling his shaft with the backs of your fingernails tickle or turn him on? How about him incorporating his nose into cunnilingus? Would it be too silly? Does finding out sound exciting? Take note of what you each like, and continue to try new things. One important warning while you experiment; do not blow air into your vaginal canal.
You might explore areas you don’t immediately think of, too. Grinding against a thigh, or having an erection thrust against the back of your knee can be an experience. Get weird and laugh about it together.
Intimacy is another important factor in satisfaction, and while you’ll likely get some from non-penetrative sex, take care to spend time engaging in other forms of physical intimacy like cuddling, massaging, gently scratching, or anything else that works for the two of you. Good luck.
My husband and I currently live in a relatively rural part of the Deep South in a state with a trigger law that will basically ban abortion entirely if Roe v. Wade is overturned. I have a medical issue that means I can’t take hormonal birth control, and we’re having a really hard time finding doctors who will do sterilization surgery for me or a vasectomy for him (we’re both childfree and in our mid-20s). We are certain we do not want any children. We live several hours from the nearest Planned Parenthood and only have one car that we need to share. Our goal is to move away (hopefully to New England where we have some friends) when we can, but we don’t make a lot of money, and saving for a big move will take time.
Our plan is to basically just stop having any penetrative sex/do anything that could result in pregnancy. I’m just not comfortable with the risk, and condoms are only 85% effective in real life without a backup. Could you give us some advice on ways to have satisfying sexual experiences without PIV sex? We’re relatively young, were both raised in purity culture, and feel a little out of our depth here with the exploration.
—Stuck in the South
Currently, Roe v. Wade has not yet been overturned. The situation does look pretty grim though, so let’s go ahead and talk about your options.
You said that you live several hours from the nearest Planned Parenthood. I’m still wondering whether they would be willing to give you or your husband a sterilization procedure. It’s worth calling to ask—if you haven’t yet—and considering how to make it happen. If they’re willing, and you’re able to figure out how to get there without jeopardizing your jobs or financial situation, that would help take a huge load of worry off of y’all’s shoulders.
Before you take penis-in-vagina activity off the table entirely, you might consider condoms (which are, yes, according to Planned Parenthood only effective 85% of the time) plus the pullout method—where your partner pulls out of your vagina long before he ejaculates. This does rely on your partner knowing when he’s close to orgasm with enough time to remove his—condom sheathed!—penis from the vicinity of your uterus.
One thing that might help is to define satisfying sex for the two of you. Dr. Ian Kerner’s So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex is a great tool for thinking through the sex you have and fostering the qualities you value. The book has a whole chapter on outercourse, which is the term for all the rest of sex outside of PIV, that might give you some ideas. You also might give Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra a read for her perspective on full-body sex, and a considerable amount of suggestions for how to touch each other.
Oral sex can be a great way to give each other orgasms, as can digital sex—also known as sex with fingers and hands. Take your time, and engage your sense of play. What feels like it might be fun to do? Will tickling his shaft with the backs of your fingernails tickle or turn him on? How about him incorporating his nose into cunnilingus? Would it be too silly? Does finding out sound exciting? Take note of what you each like, and continue to try new things. One important warning while you experiment; do not blow air into your vaginal canal.
You might explore areas you don’t immediately think of, too. Grinding against a thigh, or having an erection thrust against the back of your knee can be an experience. Get weird and laugh about it together.
Intimacy is another important factor in satisfaction, and while you’ll likely get some from non-penetrative sex, take care to spend time engaging in other forms of physical intimacy like cuddling, massaging, gently scratching, or anything else that works for the two of you. Good luck.
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