agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter, "Molly," who is in her late 30s. Her father and I divorced when she was an infant, and I raised her, with help from my family, until I remarried. Her father had visitation and paid child support, but that's where it ended. Throughout Molly's life, I have taken care of all medical expenses, extracurricular activities, etc., and I sacrificed so she could have what she needed.

The problem I'm having is that she treats me badly, while her father, his family, her husband's family and members of my family are put on a pedestal. The disrespectful way she talks to me and her superior attitude have sent me into depression. She doesn't answer texts or return my phone calls unless she feels like it or wants something.

There's the possibility that I'll be coming into some money soon, and I have been thinking about changing my will and not leaving her anything. I am seeing a therapist to figure out why I can't tell her how much her words and actions hurt me. I love Molly very much, but I don't like her. Shouldn't she be the one in therapy to figure out why she treats me this way? -- MISTREATED MOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR MOM: People don't usually seek therapy unless they are hurting, as you are. Don't waste your time waiting for her to seek help for something she doesn't think is a problem. Your daughter is fine with the status quo because you haven't drawn the line and demanded to be treated with consideration. I don't know if she's aware that you are about to come into money, but when she finds out, you may discover she has a sudden change of attitude.

If the money comes through, I hope you will spend that windfall on things you enjoy -- travel, cultural events, all the activities you missed out on while sacrificing for Molly. You deserve it; she doesn't. Please tell your therapist I said so. I'm quite sure your therapist will agree.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/05/06

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I freely admit that I have no idea what's going on here, and I only posted this because I cannot get over this particular sentence:

Her father and I divorced when she was an infant, and I raised her, with help from my family, until I remarried.

What the fuck does that mean? Does LW mean that she stopped raising her daughter after remarriage?

I want to know this too.

Or maybe I just want to be glad I'm not in this family. Meep.

I’m guessing “raised her on my own until I remarried, then raised her with the help of a stepparent,” but it’s ambiguous phrasing.

“Until I remarried” is the only mention of a stepparent, but the stepdad could be a large part of what’s missing from the story if Molly would rather spend time these days with anyone *but* her mother.

Yep. My guess is that help from LW's family stopped when she remarried, and also that stepdad is the missingest of all the missing reasons here.

I would also like to know more about that.

Agreed.

I figured it was an extraneous comma -- "I raised her, with help from my family, until I remarried (and didn't need my family's help anymore)". But if it's actually "...until I remarried, when I sent her to live with someone else", then it's understandable that daughter might be underthrilled.

At any rate, "I want to disinherit my daughter" rather than "I want to spend the windfall on myself and not worry about whether there's money left for my daughter to inherit"....yeah, something's going on.

Gosh, could Molly’s “attitude” possibly have to do with her mother rubbing these sacrifices in her face and expecting a constant performance of gratitude?

(Maybe Molly is a rotten kid, and I’m projecting — but the mother comes off as very sanctimonious here.)

I was a similar sole-custody single parent who made a LOT of major sacrifices, but that’s part of the job that a parent willingly takes on when they choose to bring a child into the world.

The child doesn’t “owe” the parent for supporting them while they’re a minor, and one of the best ways to NOT have a close relationship is to keep beating the drum about having fulfilled a basic parental responsibility.

The child doesn’t “owe” the parent for supporting them while they’re a minor, and one of the best ways to NOT have a close relationship is to keep beating the drum about having fulfilled a basic parental responsibility.

The number of times my mother has given me guilt-trips about the fact that she took large vitamin tablets which were hard to swallow when she was pregnant with me...

(I think she harps on about the vitamin tablets because all of her post-birth behaviour was abominable)

The child doesn’t “owe” the parent for supporting them while they’re a minor, and one of the best ways to NOT have a close relationship is to keep beating the drum about having fulfilled a basic parental responsibility.

This! I guess the only time you need to discuss this with your child is if they are in a similarly challenging situation as a parent and are coming to you for advice. And then *drumroll* you still only give them the f*cking advice.

What's happened between Molly's childhood and late thirties? Because that's a time jump that reeks of Missing Reasons. LW is the only person Molly is treating badly? The phrase "disrespectful way she talks to me" is also waving a red flag.

I'm happy LW is in therapy and I hope she gets a lot out of it. I agree she should spend her inheritance on stuff she missed out on while being a single mom. There seems to be some resentment that Molly isn't falling over with gratitude in their every interaction. Maybe getting to do some of the things LW missed out on earlier will help with that.

Exactly. There's always a reason, even if the reason is something like a personality disorder. She definitely isn't just RANDOMLY cruel and distant to her one real parental figure.

Possibly Molly had to work for her father's affection but took her mother's for granted, since her mother was actually being her parent. Then again, adults usually figure out the value of being cared for, so maybe the letter writer is just leaving out the important bits.

Its also possible that LW provided for Molly's material needs - food, clothes, doctor's appointments -

but completely neglected Molly's emotional needs...

Not to be a soap opera writer, but I'm wondering about that remarriage. There are some people who would classify a statement such as "You let your new husband abuse me and told me I was lying when I came to you for help" as "disrespectful".

Huh, that's something else that's missing. LW says that Molly treats her father & his family, her in-laws, and LW's relatives well; she doesn't say how Molly treats her stepfather, assuming he's still living and married to LW. Definitely missing data here.

I agree!

Like all Missing Reasons stories, the LW has made every effort to shine golden light upon their own acts, but the shadows around that are very dark.

That LW would consider disinheriting her daughter as bitterness payback shows that whatever she thinks her feelings toward her daughter have been, they have not been the unconditional motherly love she believes herself to embody.

It's also possible Molly had to work for her mother's affection, because her mother was always there and always difficult to please, but her father was just a friendly guy who showed up to shower her with unconditional love once in awhile.

It's really hard to tell from this letter.

Everyone else in the comments is right about all those Missing Reasons and LW's "you owe me Eternal Gratitude for raising you" bullshit, but even the problem mentioned in the letter does not paint LW in a good light:

The disrespectful way she talks to me and her superior attitude have sent me into depression.

Generally, I find that people who have real family grievances get *specific* - this person said THIS to me, they did THIS ACTION to me, etc. Word-for-word threats get quoted. It's not universal, of course - some people really don't want to talk about the traumatic details and no one is obligated to. But a lot of us do seem have this kneejerk "yes it DID happen, here are the EXACT DETAILS" thing, like we're giving witness testimony in the court of public opinion and have to make sure the facts are very clear.

In contrast, abusive family members trying to paint themselves as victims are so VAGUE. It's all buzzwords and omissions. Disrespect! Superior attitude! Unhealthy lifestyle! Irresponsible! They'll tell you an estranged family member cut them off after an email (and make a big deal about how ungrateful/unreasonable/cruel that is), but not what that email said.

We have no idea at all, from this letter, what kind of person Molly is. Only the fact that her mother dislikes her and interprets everything she does or doesn't do as a personal slight.

I am seeing a therapist to figure out why I can't tell her how much her words and actions hurt me.

Also, of course, there's the batshit craziness of "I'd rather seethe with rage, tell strangers about how terrible my daughter is, and disinherit her than have an honest conversation with her." It seems that she hasn't even TRIED using her words.

Also also, why should Molly want to talk to someone who dislikes her? Why do you want to chitchat with someone you dislike, LW? Find something else to do with your time. And whatever you do or don't do with money, don't make it another weapon to bludgeon your daughter with.

yep!

according to my father, I'm "distant" and "never email" and he just doesn't know why.

this doesn't work on my siblings because I bcc'd them on the email I sent telling him why he is not permitted at my house.

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