Miss Manners: The English Boyfriend

[ermingarden]

Dear Miss Manners: I spent a year in England as a transfer college student. I met a nice guy, and I’m planning to move there to be with him.

The only thing is, he has requested more than once that I start using their lingo instead of the typical American phrasing, such as saying “loo” instead of “bathroom” or “lift” instead of “elevator.” That kind of thing.

He said some English people he knows have an unfavorable view of Americans and it makes me stick out in a negative way. What do you think?

That it would be helpful to know what the English gentleman thinks before committing yourself to him. Is it pride in his nationality? Or shame at yours?

Miss Manners would consider it reasonable of him to expect you to use the language of the country you are visiting. But if he is embarrassed of you being American and is choosing to cater to the prejudices of others, you should reconsider.

Comments

[ermingarden]

I'm American myself, so I'm very curious about other folks' thoughts on this.

My first instinct is that the request is fairly silly – this would be almost certain to happen naturally within a few months of LW moving to England. I say "would be" because it also seems weird and controlling enough that it gives me pause about LW packing up and crossing the Atlantic for this guy (or perhaps he'd rather be "this bloke"?). Obviously there are a few differences between American and British English that one really does need to be careful of – "pants" vs. "trousers" comes to mind – but something like "elevator" vs. "lift" seems entirely innocuous, right?

And LW's accent would surely make it obvious she's American, never mind word choice. Is this guy going to ask LW to put on an English accent next? It all seems uncomfortably My Fair Lady-ish.

As a counterfactual, if the parties' nationalities were reversed, I'd feel very comfortable calling the guy a jackass – though I also think that reverse situation would be less likely to arise, considering the pervasive idea in many circles (on both sides of the Atlantic) that English folks are more sophisticated than Americans.

[rmc28]

I'm English, and this guy's a dickhead. It's not the vocabulary correction in itself, it's the reason given.

My children watch enough USA media / youtube output that I find myself gently correcting their vocabulary ("that's the American English word, the British English one is X") but honestly we all know what those words mean, especially in a USA accent. But no, I don't have "an unfavourable view of Americans" en masse. I might have unfavourable opinions of specific Americans, but not because they say "elevator" instead of "lift".

[fox]

I'm an American who spent several years living in the UK, and I agree with you both. You adapt quickly to asking for the loo (or the ladies' or the washroom or something like that if you personally feel silly saying "loo" or "lav") because the bathroom is something specifically else. My visiting dad once asked a waiter who'd come to pour water if he'd mind leaving the pitcher, and the blankness of the waiter's look convinced me to translate: the jug. (Which he did leave at the table; he may also have been surprised by the request itself, but in the moment it was clear that he was bumping up against "pitcher." Maybe it sounded more like "picture" to him in my dad's accent? Who knows.) BUT using local terms never made people believe I was a local myself. And I never did manage to get used to saying "tomato" with the low /a/.

[naath]

In many US accents pitcher sounds like picture, and it is not a word often used here (uk) and many waitstaff are foreigners and are not native English speakers. It is worth being aware of confusions (so you can buy the right pain meds for one...), but this dude is an ass

[jadelennox]

20 years ago we were in the UK and the waitress said "Oh, you must be shattered! Can I offer you something? Coffee, tea? Squash?" and I just about died laughing when my housemates turned to me with identical looks of horrified confusion about why they had been offered gourds to drink. Two nations separated by a common language can be hilarious.

(But BF is still being a jerk.)

(Also I have for my entire life had a complex about the word "tomato", because I'm bicultural enough that pronouncing the American consonant sounds sloppy and the British one sounds fake. Also my parents were both weird about reinforcing what they felt was correct pronunciation, and "tomato" is a rough one. These days I tend to lean in to being super American regionalistic about it -- "təmaytiz" -- just to be less self conscious.)

[jadelennox]

Yeah, definitely it's the reason.

I can see a few places where it might be awkward, if there are people who feel uncomfortable when she says "pants" or "fanny pack", if she asks him not to say he needs a pack of fags or call people a twat (which is rude in the UK, but not as rude as it is in the US), or if she gets frustrated if she asks for chips and gets the wrong thing, or if they have sports wars over the meaning of football. But ffs sidewalk or elevator or "study for exams" or "third grade" or "soccer" are all words Brits understand.

[ermingarden]

"Study for exams" – that's a phrase I didn't know was an Americanism! (Out of curiosity, what would you say instead?)

Meanwhile, my great-aunt was actually named Fanny...

[conuly]

"Revise", I believe, and then they "sit" that exam instead of taking it.

[fox]

A number of Austen characters are called Fanny. Somehow the people survive. :-) (It’s not *wildly* different from a man being called Dick, is it.)

[minoanmiss]

My inner twelve year old had a gigglefit. Next time I write a story set in 1700-1800s British terriroty I must include a couple named Fanny and Dick.

[ioplokon]

Yeah, I think it's a weird but maybe ok request but 'people don't like Americans' is a bad reason (or possibly LW misunderstanding a comment on US influence on British English? Or maybe bf worries it would hurt them in job interviews or something? Seems unlikely...)

But then, when I speak French, I do try to avoid anglicismes where I can (there are some, like 'leader' or 'rugbywoman' where that's just the word). I do think as an anglophone, it is kinda worth the effort to do this, socially. This is mostly just a vocabulary exercise on my part, though. I'm not trying to pass for a native speaker or whatever.

And on the other side, there's some slang I avoid because it feels presumptuous/people react oddly. Like, I generally don't use Quebec religious swears outside of a few expressions with certain friends bc outside of that it's doesn't feel or get read as natural. So I think there's also a risk that if LW follows bf's advice they're going to come across as a bit of a poser.