Ermingarden (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2022-03-22 12:23 pm
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-03-22 12:23 pm
Entry tags:
The Ethicist: My Daughter Is Having Sex With Her Best Friend. Must I Tell Her Mom?
My daughter is in a newly romantic relationship with her best friend, who is also female. Both are in their midteens. My daughter recently confided in me that they have had sex. She insists, however, that I am not allowed to tell the friend’s mother, because the mother wouldn’t let them have sleepovers or hang out as much. My ex-husband is the one who hosts the sleepovers, and he looks the other way when they are in the bedroom, reasoning that (or so my daughter tells me), “It’s OK because there are no penises involved.” I am not as close with the friend’s mother as my ex-husband is, but we are friendly. Am I obligated to tell this woman the truth about the nature of our daughters’ friendship? Are my ex-husband’s actions egregious? Name Withheld
Your ex-husband’s attitude has a couple of points in its favor. Forbidding physical intimacy under his roof is unlikely to stop it from happening. And it’s surely better to have a daughter who feels that she can tell you both what she’s doing. If the two girls are having a sexual relationship, you don’t want it conducted furtively. It’s best when there’s a parent in the picture who can help pick up the emotional pieces if things fall apart. Even when unwanted pregnancy isn’t a concern, physical intimacy can entail other forms of vulnerability.
But the story quickly gets complicated. I mentioned picking up the pieces: Intense adolescent relationships can blow up badly, in all kinds of ways. If that were to happen, her girlfriend’s mother would most likely find out and feel that you had wronged her. That’s reasonable enough. Letting a child stay with others involves trust. And keeping the sexual relationship from her would be a betrayal of that trust.
Unlike you and your ex-husband, she would be completely unprepared if anything went wrong. A further complication: Although the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that one-fifth of girls have had sex by the time they’re 15, many states in the country lack a “close-in-age exemption” to their statutes against sex with minors. Depending on where you live, a sexually active relationship between two minors may be a felony. (There could be scenarios where even condoning it creates legal exposure.)
Whatever the statutory situation, parents rightly think they should have a central place in shaping the context of their offsprings’ sexual development. The girlfriend’s mother is entitled to know what’s going on.
Unfortunately, a tangle of ties is in play here. You don’t want to damage your relationship with your daughter (this is someone who trusted you with a confidence), with your ex-husband (parents who share custody need as much cordiality as they can manage) or with the girlfriend’s mother. You and your ex-husband will have to tread carefully around the fact that you’ve already betrayed the trust that allowed her daughter to sleep over at his house.
The right place to begin, I think, is to have a conversation with your daughter and your ex-husband, explaining why the mother has to be told of the girls’ sexual relationship. This conversation isn’t going to be easy. Your daughter will feel you’re sabotaging her love affair. Your husband will think you’re getting him in trouble with his friend, the other mother. And you’ll have to consult with the girlfriend too. You don’t need her consent, but she’s entitled to fair notice; she might want to be the one to do the telling. These are all tough things to have to deal with.
It doesn’t sound as if the other mom will absolutely forbid her daughter to see yours, even if she stops the sleepovers — as she has a right to do until her daughter reaches legal independence. Still, in talking to the mother, you might want to point out that you parents aren’t really in a position to stop the two girls from having a sexual relationship and that your ex-husband’s permissive attitude may be a reasonable one.
Your ex-husband’s attitude has a couple of points in its favor. Forbidding physical intimacy under his roof is unlikely to stop it from happening. And it’s surely better to have a daughter who feels that she can tell you both what she’s doing. If the two girls are having a sexual relationship, you don’t want it conducted furtively. It’s best when there’s a parent in the picture who can help pick up the emotional pieces if things fall apart. Even when unwanted pregnancy isn’t a concern, physical intimacy can entail other forms of vulnerability.
But the story quickly gets complicated. I mentioned picking up the pieces: Intense adolescent relationships can blow up badly, in all kinds of ways. If that were to happen, her girlfriend’s mother would most likely find out and feel that you had wronged her. That’s reasonable enough. Letting a child stay with others involves trust. And keeping the sexual relationship from her would be a betrayal of that trust.
Unlike you and your ex-husband, she would be completely unprepared if anything went wrong. A further complication: Although the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that one-fifth of girls have had sex by the time they’re 15, many states in the country lack a “close-in-age exemption” to their statutes against sex with minors. Depending on where you live, a sexually active relationship between two minors may be a felony. (There could be scenarios where even condoning it creates legal exposure.)
Whatever the statutory situation, parents rightly think they should have a central place in shaping the context of their offsprings’ sexual development. The girlfriend’s mother is entitled to know what’s going on.
Unfortunately, a tangle of ties is in play here. You don’t want to damage your relationship with your daughter (this is someone who trusted you with a confidence), with your ex-husband (parents who share custody need as much cordiality as they can manage) or with the girlfriend’s mother. You and your ex-husband will have to tread carefully around the fact that you’ve already betrayed the trust that allowed her daughter to sleep over at his house.
The right place to begin, I think, is to have a conversation with your daughter and your ex-husband, explaining why the mother has to be told of the girls’ sexual relationship. This conversation isn’t going to be easy. Your daughter will feel you’re sabotaging her love affair. Your husband will think you’re getting him in trouble with his friend, the other mother. And you’ll have to consult with the girlfriend too. You don’t need her consent, but she’s entitled to fair notice; she might want to be the one to do the telling. These are all tough things to have to deal with.
It doesn’t sound as if the other mom will absolutely forbid her daughter to see yours, even if she stops the sleepovers — as she has a right to do until her daughter reaches legal independence. Still, in talking to the mother, you might want to point out that you parents aren’t really in a position to stop the two girls from having a sexual relationship and that your ex-husband’s permissive attitude may be a reasonable one.
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In this case the kid in question didn't even confide in letter writer! Nope Nope Nope Nope!
The fact that this relationship is f/f inflects on that, as everyone notes, but right there at the gate it is not complicated! You can be there for the teenager who confided in you, you can try and support them and make sure they have the resources to be safe, but you do not disclose without their consent. Ever. That in itself could be extremely dangerous to them.
And apart from the danger, a teenager is a person, and people get control over their intimate history, their confidences, their movements and their bodies. Full stop.
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But no parent is entitled to know about their children consensual, age-approriate relationships. It's up to the parent to build the kind of relationship with the child where the child will tell.
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(In this case on my third/fourth reread I started to think the GF's mother is kind of a red herring - it sounds to me like the actual problem is that LW is mad at their ex for not telling them. Because if LW has an "obligation" to tell GF's mother, than Ex was obligated to tell LW and that makes his actions "egregious". Which is a weird word to use in these circumstances, but if the LW is upset/distressed/awkward about the conversation with Daughter, and is turning that discomfort into a sense of being betrayed by Ex, then it makes more sense.)
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But if my kid gets diagnosed with an STI that can be deadly if not treated, or if my kid becomes pregnant and decides to carry to term and possibly keep the baby, then if the kid who's their sex partner doesn't want to tell their parents about the situation, that's where I start weighing the danger to the other kid of informing their parents vs. the danger of not informing them. (Which might still come down on the side of "support but don't disclose" depending on their family situation, but also might be taken out of my hands by the local public health authorities or the court system.)
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In this case the kid in question didn't even confide in letter writer! Nope Nope Nope Nope!
So much this. I can't believe the advice given: "parents rightly think they should have a central place in shaping the context of their offsprings’ sexual development. The girlfriend’s mother is entitled to know what’s going on." "you’ll have to consult with the girlfriend too. You don’t need her consent, but she’s entitled to fair notice; she might want to be the one to do the telling." WHAT??
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What they do with what I teach them -- that's ultimately out of my hands.