Dear Care & Feeding: CHURCH DRAMA

[minoanmiss]

How Will My Family Get Past This Scandal?

Our family has been members of a large church for many years now. My kids loved the children’s ministry and now happily attend youth group, which is both surprising and delightful to my husband and me. (We have been pretty careful about not forcing anything upon our kids religion-wise so we’re happy they have taken a liking to church.) It almost felt too good to be true as I talked with other moms whose kids boycotted church altogether.

Well…the other shoe has dropped. It just came to light that the lead pastor of our church, who if I’m being honest has a bit of a cult of personality around him, was having an extramarital affair and resigned in disgrace. The church has been thrown for a lurch. There’s a lot of intrigue and drama, with nearly every church event (both formal and informal) spent discussing the situation.

My kids have both become withdrawn and seem pretty sad. I was able to talk to my oldest (16) who said he felt like the pastor was hypocritical after all those years of preaching holiness and purity. My youngest (14) won’t talk to me about it. I can tell they’re upset over what happened, and I’m not exactly sure whether it’s being handled appropriately in youth group. Yesterday my youngest asked if we would even be going to church anymore. Obviously my husband and I are sad over the situation too, and we don’t really know what to do about this or how to help our kids navigate their sadness. What can we do?

— Sad in the South

Dear Sad in the South,

This is such a challenging experience you’re facing as a family. It’s great that you’ve been open to frank discussion with your kids about what’s happened, and I’m glad that your son has felt comfortable expressing his feelings about the situation. Your daughter’s response to the issue is also very understandable. An institution in which both children placed a great deal of trust and found a sense of community and belonging has now become a site of betrayal and confusion. That can be overwhelming, and it may be difficult for your daughter to find the words.

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Crisis counseling may be a good idea for both kids, but not via any resource your current church is offering. It would be best for your family to discuss this with an objective professional. You’ve mentioned your concern about how the pastor’s indiscretion is being handled in the youth group your kids have been attending. It may be best for them to sit those classes out until you’ve gotten a better sense of what they’re being told there.

While you and your husband are taking a step back to address your children’s emotional needs, also ask yourselves some big-picture questions. Do you still want to attend this church, specifically? If so, what would need to happen there for you both to consider it a safe space to attend again? Do you still want to attend church in general? Sometimes, faith can be shaken enough by a scandal like this one for families to reconsider church attendance altogether. It’s okay to consider that option, but it may also be good for your kids to see that every church is different and not every faith leader finds themselves embroiled in scandal. Withdrawal from an entire institution based on a hurtful experience with one may not be the healthiest action to model right now.

If you do decide to continue attending a church, ask your kids what they loved most about their children’s and youth groups at your current place of worship? What would be important for them to have access to at any new church you may attend? If you’re looking into new churches to visit, make them as much a part of the selection process as possible, since it sounds like they were experiencing some benefits of attendance that even you and your husband were not. Best wishes to you all as you navigate this together.

Comments

[cereta]

Finally, parents should know what is going on in youth group! Always! If the youth group leaders aren't open to giving a full account of the conversations there, take a break.

Yah, this gives Catholic me the wiggins, especially when we had a pastor who was, to say the least, a little too involved with the kids in the parish school (he is gone, thank goodness, and boy howdy did we inoculate the then-small fanperson against the slightest hint of inappropriate behavior, but, well, yes).