Carolyn Hax: Wants to see more of grown children

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I am an 82-year-old woman in good health and living independently. I have two grown kids living 15 to 20 minutes away. We all have a good relationship, but I see them infrequently, and they call maybe once or twice a week. I want more. I have friends and a fairly active social life, but I want more from my kids.

I think it is not too much to ask that each one make it a point to see me once a month. I have dropped hints but nothing has changed. I have not come right out to ask for what I want because I think if they do not visit willingly it will cause resentment, so what's the point. Your thoughts?

— H.

H.: One thought: By waiting for them to read your mind, you’re getting the resentment anyway, without any visits to show for it.

Just say what you want, please: “I’d love to set up a standing visit — say, every first Sunday. How does that sound?”

Comments

[cereta]

Here's where I get puzzled: in addition to "dropping hints," has LW asked her children, to do things? I feel like setting up an actual monthly visit turns this into a Problem (which for LW, it is, but the kids might not see it that way, and framing it as a situation in which they, the kids, are falling down on the job is likely to make them defensive). Can't LW just start by saying, "Hey, I have a craving for Thai food. Want to join me for lunch at Siam Terrace?" or "There's a production The Mousetrap at {local college}, and I've always wanted to see that. What say we go together, my treat?" Im guessing one of three things will happen: the kids will remember realize how much they enjoy spending time with Mom and start issuing their own invitations; the kids will have serious reasons (work, heath,etc) for not going, and LW will learn not to take it personally; or the kids will very obviously blow LW off,which will suck, but will be better than obsessing over what's not going to happen.

[minoanmiss]

But if they Love Her they shoudl Just Know.

[purlewe]

THIS

[shirou]

I still think it's better to be direct. I have a busy life, so if a friend or parent said, "I'm craving Thai," I might join them or I might not. I wouldn't feel bad saying, "sorry, I can't." But if they said, "hey, I miss you and would like to see you more," I would find a way to make a visit happen.

[cereta]

To use an annoying phrase that permeated my school for the longest time, it could be both/and. So, for example,
"Hey, I haven't been to Basmati in the longest time, and I could really go for some butter chicken. Any chance you're free some night this week?" And then, having lured them with delicious, delicious food, she springs the trap: "This was really nice. You know, I really miss spending time with you. I know, we all get so busy and time just gets away with us, but maybe we could make a commitment to spending some time together, even just a cup of coffee, every {period of time}." Conversation could then move to things like plays at the local college/university, sporting events (I know lots of women who've bonded over women's basketball), restaurants they've wanted to try that aren't kid friendly, etc.

And if the offspring seems hesitant or spends a lot of time making excuses or not being enthused about any of the activities, well...There's your answer.