(no subject)

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Miles" for two years. He will move in with me soon. Miles has two sons from his previous marriage. He loves them and sees them regularly.

I can't help but feel a little jealous because he makes a huge effort to be with his kids as often as possible, entertaining them and taking them to nice restaurants. The issue I have is that Miles and I never go out. We have never been on vacation or had a weekend date. Our dates consist of eating a sandwich or me cooking. Is it normal to feel a little jealous, or should I call him out on it? -- AT THE FOOT OF THE LIST

DEAR FOOT OF THE LIST: Miles appears to be a good father, but your feelings are understandable and they should be discussed with Miles BEFORE he moves in. In romantic relationships there is a certain degree of "courtship" that appears to be missing here. And believe me, unless you talk this through, nothing will change because he thinks the status quo is acceptable to you.

Comments

[cereta]

While I understand why the LW is linking them, I think she needs to separate Miles' relationship with his sons from how he treats her. Yes, it's easy to blame the time he spends with them for the lack of weekend dates or vacations, but that is not (IMHO) the primary issue between him and the LW. The primary issue is that they have vastly different expectations for their relationship. That is what she needs to discuss with him, and she needs to keep the subject of his sons out of the conversation; bringing them up will not only put him on the defensive, but will frankly make her look unsympathetic.

[shreena]

Agreed. I think, from her point of view, the link is probably that his doing this with his sons shows that he likes going out, he is capable of organising and suggesting fun activities, he just doesn't care about doing these things with her.

I think it is troubling that he makes so little effort with her - never been on vacation together, never had a weekend date, he's never even cooked her a meal...

But I totally agree that she needs to approach it from the angle of "I would like to go out with you more often, I would like to go on vacation together" and potentially even "I would like to join you and your sons some of the time".

[watersword]

Yep. It's not that there is a zero-sum amount of "doing fun stuff" in her partner's life, and it is all going to the kids, which seems to be how she's framing it. It's that their relationship has a problem that needs to be solved. The kids are not the problem. (There may be an upper limit to the budget he has for vacations or nice restaurants or whatnot, and there's only 168 hours in a week, some of which are presumably claimed by work and sleep and so on, but the fundamental mismatch here is one of emotional labor.)

[recessional]

Yeah - I think what Miles does with his sons is a useful data-point in that it establishes that it's not just that he Doesn't Do Nice Restaurants or Doesn't Ever Go Out or whatever, which might otherwise be a factor. They make it clear that he does see these things as there and important and valuable on some level and for some reason just isn't doing them with her.

But other than that datapoint, yeeeeah, separate separate separate unless/until HE potentially brings it up as "well I have no time/energy".