Dear Abby: Relationship finances, sorta

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I each own our homes and have about the same mortgage payment. She ends up staying with me most of the time because I live closer to where we both work.

I recently found out that she has been Airbnbing her condo a lot of the weekends when she stays with me. I feel taken advantage of even though it doesn't really affect me whether her place is empty or she's getting rent.

What is the etiquette on such an arrangement? Should I be getting a cut? I feel if I told her I wanted to stay at her place and rent out mine, she would want some of the money. -- WEEKEND ROOMIES

DEAR WEEKEND ROOMIES: There is no rule of etiquette governing whether you're entitled to some of the income she receives from renting out her place while she's visiting you. Discuss this with your entrepreneurial girlfriend and see how she feels about sharing the wealth. Her reaction will give insight into her character.

Comments

[recessional]

Yeeeeeah.

And sometimes there's no way to SOLVE the "A cannot drive, B lives an hour away", at least not completely? Or that for C due to disability lives with stricter limitations than A, B or D and so stuff has to work around that. But at least if it's out in the open you can do what you CAN, and you can make it so nobody feels like they're just being negligently taken for granted, etc etc.

Which is sort of why in terms of LW, I am all about " . . . okay so what are all the OTHER details?" because this stuff is very . . . *waves hand* there are many factors, for me. Including stuff like "are you getting your meals made for you and your kitchen cleaned when she's at your place?" because that is something to take into account.

And if you're feeling the need to count every coin one way or the other, it means something's wrong on a much bigger scale that you need to figure out, but that doesn't mean that keeping a general eye on balance, in as many words and out loud with communication, should be anathema.

Or that's how I feel, anyway.

[vass]

And sometimes there's no way to SOLVE the "A cannot drive, B lives an hour away", at least not completely? Or that for C due to disability lives with stricter limitations than A, B or D and so stuff has to work around that. But at least if it's out in the open you can do what you CAN, and you can make it so nobody feels like they're just being negligently taken for granted, etc etc.

Yup. And that is exactly how it did not go down in the situation I was thinking of.

There were good reasons why we (I was D, and gave C lifts to A's place) arranged things the way they did, but what it all amounted to was that all the inconvenience and work and expense landed on B, and compounded with other stuff about how he felt sidelined and unappreciated.

Balance and communication are important in general, and even more so when there's other interpersonal/emotional stuff going on too. And whatever else is going on in LW's relationship, it does seem like they, as a couple, are not communicating explicitly about how they balance the relationship.

And also it seems like LW is writing to Abby for a referee rather than advice. Which might mean "I need a reality check on whether this is fair or not, because I'm getting bad gut feelings about this but don't have a concrete rationale for what's wrong," and that's a good reason to write in for advice. But it could also, and often does, mean "I want to use an advice columnist as a club to wave at my partner."