Dear Prudence: Infidelity & Cancer discovered simultaneously

[minoanmiss]

Trapped: I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me the same week his test results came back confirming he has cancer, a highly aggressive kind. I went from bawling my eyes out and planning on deleting his number to holding him on the couch as he fell apart weeping. He begged me to stay and forgive him. I didn’t know what to do. I told him I forgave him and that I still loved him. I don’t. The truth festers in the back of my mind every time I get stressed or have to come over to care for him or talk to his family. All of them knew he was cheating on me—his brothers would cover for him when he was out with this girl when I called up. His mother even told me to my face how thankful she is that we “patched things up” since the other girl wouldn’t be here like I have been.

My boyfriend is facing brutal sessions of chemo and my only escape is work. All our friends tell me how brave I am, but I feel like a fraud and a chump. If I had broken up with him immediately, I would have been home-free. If he hadn’t gotten sick, I could be publicly mad and then move on—and worse, I know if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have left me. I am trapped. I don’t want to make my boyfriend any sicker. I don’t want him to die, but I also don’t want to devote the next several months to playing nurse to him. If I leave him now, I will get crucified. I mentioned still being hurt by his infidelity to a friend I considered myself close to; she asked how I can feel that way when he has cancer. Please help me.

A: Oh, I’m so sorry. This is just unbearably painful, and I’m additionally sorry that you’ve been pressured by friends and your boyfriend’s family to stay in a humiliating, loveless relationship just because your boyfriend is ill. You need to leave. You get to leave. He is not alone in the world; if his brothers were willing to coordinate over helping him cheat on you, they’ll be able to coordinate taking him to doctor’s appointments and chemo sessions now that he actually needs their help. You will not make him sicker by leaving; you did not give him cancer, and you cannot make it worse.


Please line up a session with a therapist who can help you plan out just how you’ll leave and who you can call to be in your corner when you do. I understand that the optics of the situation feel overwhelming, and just saying, “Don’t worry if his family thinks you’re a monster for leaving him when he has cancer” might seem flippant or dismissive of the very real fear of being seen as a bad person. But you don’t have to see those people again, and you can’t force yourself to stay in a miserable situation just so they’ll think you’re a sweetheart. He will find material and emotional support from his family and friends. The doctors will treat his cancer. You cannot offer him anything they cannot.

Please tell your own friends just how hard this situation has been on you and how much you need their help and support as you end this relationship. I hope your friend who tried to dismiss your pain in light of your soon-to-be-ex’s cancer is an outlier, but if you do meet with that objection, all you need to say is this: “I’m absolutely devastated that he’s sick, and I’m so glad that he’s getting treatment. I hope he recovers and has a long and healthy life. But to be trapped in a loveless relationship without trust was absolutely killing me. I couldn’t be helpful to either him or myself. The timing was awful and caused us both a lot of pain; trust me when I say this was the best possible outcome.”

Comments

[tielan]

My question to LW is: what happens after he dies/beats the cancer?

I kinda feel like the cancer shouldn't be part of the equation at all. It's obfuscating the basic fact that she has someone she was in a relationship with who cheated and lied and whose family enabled him with that cheating and lying - someone who doesn't respect her.

Is that going to change if she nurses him through cancer? Or will he pick himself up, find someone else, and leave her bawling and deleting his number from her phone all over again...only this time it'll be after he's used up to another 5 years of her life looking after someone she doesn't actually love anymore?

A note about friends: if I had a friend who was caring for a ne'er-do-well through his personal crisis of whatever, if I valued the friendship and didn't know how to address the issue subtly and sidewise, I would tell them they were strong and amazing and I couldn't do what they were doing - with absolute truth. She might find that her friends are of the "oh god, I'm so glad you dumped him, he was a complete tool but I didn't dare say" persuasion.

[cimorene]

if I valued the friendship and didn't know how to address the issue subtly and sidewise, I would tell them they were strong and amazing and I couldn't do what they were doing - with absolute truth.

+1. When they say they talked to him and he's says he still loves her and she's going to try and make it work, you... can't really say "No, but it really sounded like you were going to dump him! What happened to that???"