agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment building and whenever I see someone (especially when waiting for the elevator), I say hello, good morning, good evening, etc. My parents were adamant about manners, and I was raised to greet people and acknowledge them. I do this automatically, even when I'm not aware of it.

I recently had an episode where a neighbor, who has made it apparent that he and his girlfriend don't care for me, has asked me to stop greeting either of them whenever I see them. When I asked why, he said that I was pushing the boundaries of being a good neighbor. I'd never heard of this, and have no idea if I should respond as requested or just laugh it off (which I did when I thought of it).

As I run into them a few times a week, do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Swyize. This is Miss Manners' alternative to the ever-popular "smize." While the latter means to "smile with your eyes," Miss Manners' version means to smile without them.

You may greet your neighbors thus whenever you see them, signifying that you have heard their unneighborly request and will abide by it -- but not ungrudgingly so.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2022/01/01/1

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The fact that LW wrote in to Miss Manners about this rather than simply rolling their eyes and leaving these neighbors alone suggests that they are, in fact, the problem, that they are not simply greeting their neighbors and moving on, but actively intruding into their lives on a daily basis.

I could be wrong, sure, but if I am I still don't see what's so hard about heeding their request without any weird passive-aggressive antics.

I suspect that if weird passive-aggressive antics are not your jam, Miss Manners is not the columnist for you.

Possibly, possibly. Sometimes weird passive agressive antics are called for. In this case, LW definitely Started It and is In The Wrong.

I am beginning to dread any Miss Manners post that shows up here, because I know the advice will be chock full of passive aggressive bullshit. Like, ok, I get that habits can be hard to break (if you're used to blithely saying good day to everyone, frex), but sweet buttery Jesus is it that much to ask to just try to take this in stride and try to change your behavior? Must you immediately call for your Uber Huff and leave in it?

If nothing has ever happened between them but LW saying a formulaic greeting each time they see each other, I would be pretty surprised. I mean, if that's the case, their asking not to be greeted anymore seems practically unhinged. People who say 'hi' and people who don't and people who avoid eye contact meet in apartment buildings all the time and 99% of them manage to just nod awkwardly or whatever, or at worst, pretend not to hear. They've gotta be actually offended to go that far.

Or, I mean, if they aren't, then LW is kind of in the right, because their request is weird, but OTOH it's still a weird letter.

When we lived in an apartment building in New York City, we did greet our neighbors, a hello or a quick smile,while waiting for the elevator, and that might lead to a bit of conversation. We also sometimes talked to people in the park across the street, things like telling a dog walker to avoid a specific path because we'd seen a skunk, or someone asking if I could identify a bird for them. But if I'd known, or believed, that a specific neighbor didn't like me, I would have left them alone.

It would not have occurred to me to ask "is it rude to keep greeting someone who has explicitly asked me to leave them alone?" This isn't a relative they're going to see at family get-togethers, it's someone who just happens to live in the same building.

Weird, I am getting opposite vibes from this letter from anyone else! It's possible LW is a busybody, but I'm tempted to take this at face value and assume it's the neighbor being off. (Especially because if LW is that kind of person, I doubt this is the first time they've ever had someone try to get them to stop, or that they'd be put off their stride by it.)

To start with, the *neighbor* has made it clear to LW that *he and his girlfriend* don't like them? And now he's telling LW not to even say hello to either of them? Where is girlfriend's voice in this? That sounds to me not like an LW who is lying but like a man who is trying very, very hard to completely isolate his partner.

And if I have automated voice greetings turned on it's actually going to be pretty hard to modify the algorithm to exclude just two people - to start with, I often don't identify who I'm speaking with before I initiate the greeting, so I'd have to redo the whole program from the start. (I work customer service, I have an NPC script for this.) So I can understand somebody finding this request not just odd but difficult.

LW, I would do your best to not ever interact with this man, but if you accidentally say hello a few times anyway, don't beat yourself up. If you ever see the girlfriend without him around, that's the time to turn on the (real!) friendly silent smiles until she tells you to stop herself.

Edited 2022-01-03 16:22 (UTC)

You worry about that because you are a reasonable person who actually cares about other people instead of merely appearing agreeable.

LW apparently does not think this, or LW would have mentioned it or - one hopes! - sent this letter to a more appropriate columnist. "I think my neighbor is a domestic abuser" is not a Miss Manners issue.

So whatever might be up with Neighbor and Neighbor, I still must conclude that LW needs to improve their own behavior.

Sure, but they don't have to consciously think he's an abuser to get weird vibes from the request, and wonder "Is it me being weird or him? I'll go ask Miss Manners".

I am wondering what I am missing in this letter that is making everybody so sure LW is being pushier than they describe. Do people just not believe somebody would react this way to simple polite greetings? As someone who has to greet every patron who comes past the desk, I get it from at least a few people a month. Maybe he's not a controlling abuser, maybe he's just really antisocial. Or maybe the messages the NSA is sending through the fillings in his teeth are telling him you're stalking him (more common than you'd think until you work at a library or a shelter!)

I mean it sounds like maybe what happened is that LW was being a bit chummy with them, Boyfriend told her to back off, she backed off to just saying "Good morning!" automatically when they pass and Boyfriend told her to stop that too. She grew up in a culture where you would say Hello even to your worst enemy, so she feels a bit silly even overthinking it but she's writing to Miss Manners as a reality check on herself.

Miss Manners isn't the columnist you write to when you've been deeply offended by something that shakes your sense of self or that you're obsessing over, it's where you write to find out if there's a polite way to eat spaghetti or what's the best way to stop your aunt you love from stealing the check every time you go out to lunch. Reading Miss Manners letters to assume the person is writing in because they are super invested in the thing is probably a misreading.