agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment building and whenever I see someone (especially when waiting for the elevator), I say hello, good morning, good evening, etc. My parents were adamant about manners, and I was raised to greet people and acknowledge them. I do this automatically, even when I'm not aware of it.

I recently had an episode where a neighbor, who has made it apparent that he and his girlfriend don't care for me, has asked me to stop greeting either of them whenever I see them. When I asked why, he said that I was pushing the boundaries of being a good neighbor. I'd never heard of this, and have no idea if I should respond as requested or just laugh it off (which I did when I thought of it).

As I run into them a few times a week, do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Swyize. This is Miss Manners' alternative to the ever-popular "smize." While the latter means to "smile with your eyes," Miss Manners' version means to smile without them.

You may greet your neighbors thus whenever you see them, signifying that you have heard their unneighborly request and will abide by it -- but not ungrudgingly so.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2022/01/01/1

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You worry about that because you are a reasonable person who actually cares about other people instead of merely appearing agreeable.

LW apparently does not think this, or LW would have mentioned it or - one hopes! - sent this letter to a more appropriate columnist. "I think my neighbor is a domestic abuser" is not a Miss Manners issue.

So whatever might be up with Neighbor and Neighbor, I still must conclude that LW needs to improve their own behavior.

Sure, but they don't have to consciously think he's an abuser to get weird vibes from the request, and wonder "Is it me being weird or him? I'll go ask Miss Manners".

I am wondering what I am missing in this letter that is making everybody so sure LW is being pushier than they describe. Do people just not believe somebody would react this way to simple polite greetings? As someone who has to greet every patron who comes past the desk, I get it from at least a few people a month. Maybe he's not a controlling abuser, maybe he's just really antisocial. Or maybe the messages the NSA is sending through the fillings in his teeth are telling him you're stalking him (more common than you'd think until you work at a library or a shelter!)

I mean it sounds like maybe what happened is that LW was being a bit chummy with them, Boyfriend told her to back off, she backed off to just saying "Good morning!" automatically when they pass and Boyfriend told her to stop that too. She grew up in a culture where you would say Hello even to your worst enemy, so she feels a bit silly even overthinking it but she's writing to Miss Manners as a reality check on herself.

Miss Manners isn't the columnist you write to when you've been deeply offended by something that shakes your sense of self or that you're obsessing over, it's where you write to find out if there's a polite way to eat spaghetti or what's the best way to stop your aunt you love from stealing the check every time you go out to lunch. Reading Miss Manners letters to assume the person is writing in because they are super invested in the thing is probably a misreading.