(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m embarrassed by my girlfriend insisting on bringing my lunch to me at work. I know that she means well, but it’s really not necessary, and my co-workers tease me about it. Would it be rude if I asked her to stop? -- Embarrassing Girlfriend

DEAR EMBARRASSING GIRLFRIEND: While it is sweet for your girlfriend to bring your lunch to work every day, it also could be considered excessive. It is OK for you to ask her to hand you your lunch before you leave home in the morning. In that way, you can have it, but the handoff does not occur at your workplace. Be honest with her. Tell her that your co-workers are teasing you about it, which makes the gesture disruptive to your work environment. This may hurt her feelings, since obviously she is trying to make a big gesture to show her commitment to you.

Point out that while her deliveries are lovely for your relationship, she may also want to think about the relationship status of others at your job. For the single people or those who do not have partners who are able or willing to engage in this way, the gesture may make them uncomfortable. For you, it has added a layer of aggravation that is distracting you from your work.

Gently ask her to stop bringing your lunch to work. You will be happy to accept it at home if she still wants to create it. If she decides to stop making you lunch altogether, that’s a sign of a bigger issue. Perhaps she needs the attention at your job, or she feels the need to let people know you are hers. Either way, that level of possessiveness can lead to challenges over time.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2021/12/22

Comments

[conuly]

Harriette spends a lot of time talking about the girlfriend's lunch habit. So do the commenters at UExpress.

But nobody mentions that the girlfriend is not the one being disruptive to the work environment - those coworkers are. She is not the one aggravating LW and distracting them - those coworkers are.

And Harriette sure seems more invested in LW protecting the feelings of those coworkers rather than their girlfriend's feelings.

I don't know if LW wants GF to keep bringing lunch every day or not. If not, they should say so. But either way, LW has a coworker problem and a backbone problem - not (primarily) a girlfriend-and-lunch problem.

[ashbet]

^^^^THIS!!!

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm a little...buhwha at the, "Other people might be sad because you have something they don't." Like...okay, should I put away pictures of my spouse, or take off my wedding ring? I can honestly say that all through my fertility struggles, the notion of telling my co-workers not to display pictures of their kids or bring them around the offices never occurred to me, even when it did seem like everyone was having a baby but me. This seems like an awfully weird way to interact with fellow humans.

[conuly]

SERIOUSLY.

[bikergeek]

I think there was an Ask A Manager letter about a workplace that forbade family photos because it made unpartnered and/or childless people feel uncomfortable. Alison pretty much said that such a policy was completely nuts, as I recall.

[minoanmiss]

I wish I knew the girlfriend so I could send this to her with a number for Whole Man Disposal Service. What an ungrateful childish lout.

[shirou]

LW is the victim of teasing at work and has asked for advice on how to kindly request his girlfriend stop bringing him lunch, which we all agree she shouldn’t be obligated to do in the first place. It is fascinating how so many commenters here make him out to be the bad guy.

[minoanmiss]

His girlfriend is doing something nice for him and his response is to blame her because his childish coworkers are teasing him. I certainly don't think this situation is the girlfriend's fault.

On further thought... I have seen not a few instances of a woman doing, or trying to do, something nice for her male SO, which is then commented on by another man or men, so the male SO decides her effort is worthless and she's at fault for the other men's reactions. I think this is another instance of that pattern, I think gender does matter here, and I think it's unfair.

[shirou]

To be frank, I think you’re reading something that’s not there. LW never says anything about blame or fault. He says his gf means well, but the result for him is embarrassment, and he wants to know whether it would be rude for him to ask her to stop. Even the question shows he is being considerate of her feelings.

[minoanmiss]

Before I go collect my eyebrows, which just went up so high they shot off my face -- you do realize that it is convenient for a man to self-select as the arbiter of whether or not there's sexism present?

I think the LW is being unappreciative and dismissive of his girlfriend's efforts, and that he should tell the coworkers who are teasing him to act like adults. He _can_ tell her to stop -- he can say anything he wants -- but I wouldn't blame her for feeling dismissed and unappreciated.

[shirou]

Just because I am presenting a contrary opinion doesn’t mean I am self-selecting as the sole arbiter on anything. That kind of language really shuts down discussion.

I do think that being a man makes less inclined to automatically jump to negative judgments against men, which may serve me better at some times and worse at others. In this case, I’ve read the (short) letter multiple times to look for language suggesting blame or fault, and I just don’t see it.

If I were doing something that, despite my good intentions, was creating an embarrassing situation for my wife at work, I would want her to tell me! I might be disappointed, but ultimately I’d rather do something genuinely helpful than continue in ignorance. This seems like such a no-brainer.

[minoanmiss]

Anytime someone who is not only not in a disprivileged group but in a position to benefit from that group's disprivilege dismisses prejudice against a member of that group I think it's worth double-checking.

That kind of language really shuts down discussion.

And accusing one's opponent of having no brain, not least if one's opponent is from one or more demographic groups often accused of diminished intelligence, is conducive to discussion?

If I were doing something that, despite my good intentions, was creating an embarrassing situation for my wife at work, I would want her to tell me!

Here is my point! You, and the LW, and Harriette, see the girlfriend as the one creating the embarassment because she's committing the terrible offense of .... trying to feed her boyfriend? Whereas the retrograde coworkers who are deliberately teasing the LW bear no culpability at all? I don't see how the girlfriend can possibly be held responsible unless her actions are devalued because she's female.

[shirou]

Accused of having no brain…? I am at such a loss. Do you really think I have resorted to ad hominems? If so, I apologize, but I’ll be honest: I don’t see it.

There is a causal relationship between LW’s gf bringing him lunch and his coworkers teasing him. There must be language that describes that relationship while also acknowledging that the coworkers, not the gf, are the bad actors here. I don’t know what looks like for you, but to me the letter provides a short and factual description of the situation. The request that the gf resolve the problem does not, in my mind, imply blame.

Admin

[cereta]

I think she was referring to your use of the term "no-brainer."

In any event, I'm going to ask, as a favor to an admin who is have a really, really bad day, that we snip this thread off here.

Re: Admin

[shirou]

I meant the decision to discontinue something creating an embarrassing situation for my wife would be a no-brainer. I was not accusing Minoanmiss or anyone else of being without a brain.

I’m happy to stop now but do want to clarify that I meant no insult and apologize for any unclear wording.

[shirou]

Parts of Harriette’s response are bizarre. The bit about LW’s coworkers’ relationship status was a wild and irrelevant tangent.

But the bottom line is that LW can certainly ask his girlfriend to stop bringing him lunch. She probably means it as a nice gesture, but it is unusual, and unfortunately some people are asshats about such things. (A lot of companies also have controlled entry procedures that would make this practice a real burden on the front desk staff.)

[green_grrl]

Right? Also, “If she decides to stop making you lunch altogether, that’s a sign of a bigger issue.”

I pretty much assumed that LW gets up and leaves for work earlier than gf gets up. If she doesn’t want to get up at 5:00am to make him lunch before he goes, that’s not a “bigger issue,” it’s a reasonable boundary.

[shirou]

Yup, that was another weird part of Harriette’s response. My wife has never made my lunch, either to bring to me at work or for me to carry with me; I’ve never asked her to; and it has certainly never been a sign of a “bigger issue.” Wtf Harriette.

[movingfinger]

Why should she make the LW's lunch in the first place? As Annie speculates, so too will I: they are trying to save money and LW spends $15 or $20 every day on lunch and snacks if girlfriend doesn't bring lunch in.