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Last letter!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”
I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?
—Passive Aggressed
Dear Passive,
You’re probably not going to like this answer, but I think you’ve gone off the deep end on this. Your niece is 8 years old—do you honestly think she understands the nuances of passive-aggressive behavior? I have an 8-year-old daughter as well, and I’m telling you straight up that most kids at that age are as blunt as can be and say exactly what they mean. Not to mention—don’t all of us look different 20 years removed from our high school graduations? The kid is just speaking the truth. How can you make the inference that she’s calling you “old and ugly”? I don’t get it.
If we’re keeping score here, you’ve upset your husband who didn’t want you to bring this up to your brother. You’ve upset your brother by telling him he’s raising a kid with crappy manners. Your 8-year-old niece probably can sense something is amiss too. I mean, is it all worth it?
You have two people who know you very well, and a complete stranger (me) telling you that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This isn’t gaslighting or some conspiracy to make you feel bad—but it does seem like you may have some deep-seated issues around your appearance that you should address with a professional.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting over this, but if you’re looking for someone to tell you that an 8-year-old child had malicious intent by innocuously commenting on a photo from 20 years ago, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
—Doyin
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/my-niece-insulted-looks-care-and-feeding-advice.html
My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”
I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?
—Passive Aggressed
Dear Passive,
You’re probably not going to like this answer, but I think you’ve gone off the deep end on this. Your niece is 8 years old—do you honestly think she understands the nuances of passive-aggressive behavior? I have an 8-year-old daughter as well, and I’m telling you straight up that most kids at that age are as blunt as can be and say exactly what they mean. Not to mention—don’t all of us look different 20 years removed from our high school graduations? The kid is just speaking the truth. How can you make the inference that she’s calling you “old and ugly”? I don’t get it.
If we’re keeping score here, you’ve upset your husband who didn’t want you to bring this up to your brother. You’ve upset your brother by telling him he’s raising a kid with crappy manners. Your 8-year-old niece probably can sense something is amiss too. I mean, is it all worth it?
You have two people who know you very well, and a complete stranger (me) telling you that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This isn’t gaslighting or some conspiracy to make you feel bad—but it does seem like you may have some deep-seated issues around your appearance that you should address with a professional.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting over this, but if you’re looking for someone to tell you that an 8-year-old child had malicious intent by innocuously commenting on a photo from 20 years ago, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
—Doyin
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/my-niece-insulted-looks-care-and-feeding-advice.html
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