agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it’s starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn’t have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it’s unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I’m afraid to ask her to shave because I don’t want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do? -- Girlfriend Going Natural

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it’s starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn’t have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it’s unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I’m afraid to ask her to shave because I don’t want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do? -- Girlfriend Going Natural

https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2021/12/03/1

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Yes, he does. Because otherwise we get into "you're not allowed to find X unappealing" territory that makes consent meaningless. I believe it's morally necessary that people are allowed to refuse consent (to sex, to dating/romance) for any reason. Even stupid reasons. Even bigoted or horrible reasons. And I say this as a trans person--I am fully aware that bodies like mine are seen by bigots, and sometimes even people who don't mean to be bigots, as disgusting, monstrous.

Two things are true at once: people have an absolute right to refuse consent, AND some reasons for finding someone unattractive/undate-able are bad, stemming from prejudice.

I never said he had the right to shame her. And I also don't mean that his reaction shouldn't be challenged. I agree that he should think about why he's so revolted by a woman having armpit hair. The best outcome is that he gets over it. But if he can't or doesn't want to, he has the right to end the relationship. (Because, again, people have the right to refuse consent for any reason.)

"And I also don't mean that his reaction shouldn't be challenged. "

But isn't that a corollary of "he has a right to his reaction", that others don't have standing to question and challenge it?

And sure he has the right to break up with his girlfriend over it -- he owns himself, including the choice to be in a relationship -- but I think we have the right to judge it as a stupid, petty, squeamish, and sexist reason to end an otherwise good relationship.

The problem is that by even mentioning it, he is shaming her. Just even a small polite mention. She will feell judged and shamed. Because it is reinforced by all the cultural forces you mentioned. And it sounds like she is already aware of his “issue” with her armpit hair to have gone through all these explanations with him--she is already on the defensive, about her own body due to how he feels about it. So his reaction has already been noted with all its western kyriarchical power.

So his choice here is to keep pushing his kyriarchical power on her, with the end point of breaking up if she does not conform to his demand, or work on changing his own reactions by thinking more about the issues of power involved. Sure he has a right to break up over it, but that will still be an exertion of kyriarchical power over her she will carry with her. I could only advise him to work on himself or go on being an abusive jerk. It’s not a simple matter of aesthetic taste.

Edited 2021-12-07 09:30 (UTC)

Yes, this. It's entirely possible he has a terrible reason for disliking this - the most obvious being that he's upset that he doesn't have complete control over his partner's body.

But it's also possible he is just viscerally turned off by it. That's certainly something that would have been trained into him by society, but that doesn't make it a bigoted choice he's making. In that sort of situation, something like talking it over with a partner and asking her to shave sometimes in exchange for him working on his feelings when she doesn't seems like a reasonable compromise. It's the same sort of discussion they might end up having if he grew a mountain man beard.

It's also possible he's been trained that not performing gender correctly leads to punishment - either his own performance of gender, or what he's seen of other women. That's real fear, and it might even be somewhat justified. That's another one where talking over his real feelings with his partner might be productive - if they can both come to it in good faith. His desire to not face friction over gender performance doesn't outweigh his partner's right to make her own choices, but it's valid to feel things about her choices making his (or her!) life harder, and to want to share those feelings with her.

Maybe LW is trans and working through complicated feelings about femininity and performance that they're projecting onto GF because they haven't figured themself out yet! That too is valid. And they don't have to be trans for them to have complicated gender feelings that are valid and are being brought forward by their GF's changing relationship to gendered grooming.