agonyaunt | Dear Abby: but they're MY mom and dad!

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Dear Abby: but they're MY mom and dad!

DEAR ABBY: My brother got married a year ago after dating for less than a year. His wife started calling my parents Mom and Dad from the get-go. I didn't realize how much it would bother me, but it does and, frankly, I resent her for it.

I'm very close to my parents, and I view our bond as sacred. To me, Mom and Dad aren't names you use lightly, to be cute or as a term of endearment. The relationship is earned and unique.

I would never think of calling my husband's parents Mom and Dad, and I don't feel that I'm offending them by not doing so. Is there a proper way to discuss this with my brother and sister-in-law without hurting feelings or creating tension? -- ANNOYED SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR ANNOYED: Calm down and curb the attitude, because if you say anything you will appear to be jealous and petty. What your sister-in-law is doing is very common. Regardless of what she calls your parents, you are still their daughter and she is not. If they didn't like her calling them Mom and Dad, I'm sure they would let her know they preferred she choose something else.

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I can't seem to get past, "wow. WOW. Just...wow," on this one.

I'm fascinated by "The relationship is earned...", because uh. Earned by biology? That's an interesting definition of "earned."

I suspect the key to this letter is in the lede: "after dating for less than a year." Someone is displacing her feels about her brother's "hasty" marriage and her sister-in-law as interloper onto semantics.

Actually that sentence makes me wonder if she doesn't think that mere biology is enough to make the relationship.

I mean, to be fair: I don't, but my limitations are almost entirely aimed at the parent end. (You don't get to be someone's mother/have the right to have them treat you within that relationship JUST because you had a successful pregnancy and labour. You definitely don't get to be someone's father/have the right to have them treat you within that relationship just because your sperm successfully made it to an egg.)

So I'm wondering exactly where her definitions line up - and also why she thinks they're universal. (I'm well aware mine aren't; I'm just not particularly bothered.)

Seriously. Even biology doesn't work, unless she's one of those...individuals who think only blood makes family, and that adoptive parents aren't really parents (and yes, such people exist). I know I tend to be broad in my definition of family, but hers really puzzle me.

I obviously have no idea with the actual LW, but mine are based on the actual emotions/behaviours/histories between the people involved?

My mother is actually not my mother because I got half my genetics from her and developed in her uterus; she's my mother because she spent mumbleyears feeding, clothing, comforting, cleaning up after, entertaining, teaching, playing with, cuddling, sorting out messes for, sacrificing huge numbers of hours of sleep for, etc etc, me. She is my mother because via those continual acts of care and nurture since I became an independently respirating human creature we were both shaped psychologically and emotionally into having MASSIVE impact on each other. Etc. Etc. Same with my dad. (I just have a slight knee-jerk about my mother because another woman in my life at one point tried to claim that she had basically raised me and I kind of lost my shit at her. A lot.)

So it would kind of be nails on a chalk-board to have the word that for me is embedded in that relationship and context being used by someone who could not possibly credibly have the same bond/emotions/etc, not because of relation or anything else, but because in this case of just not having known either of my parents long enough. *palmsup shrug*

I'm pondering this one.

Because I have to say, I wouldn't be comfortable even with my spouse calling my parents "mom" and "dad" after less than a year. For me/my family there's a huge level of responsibility and burden of care and assumptions bound up in those titles, and I'd be uncomfortable with all those assumptions being assumed after less than a year, even with a marriage contract in place.

The LW's still SOL in that no, there isn't any way to discuss this without creating tension, because the underlying subtext is "you're not really family yet", and that's inherently feelings-hurting and tension-creating, and also not really the LW's place. And this is because sometimes there is no way to fix uncomfortable/fraught situations.

...I always, always come in here and end up basically going, "...what

recessional said," really I do. Because... yeah, I can get feeling skeeved about new sib-in-law calling one's parents "mom and dad from the get-go" (direct quote from the letter, emphasis mine). (Especially depending on what "the get-go" means here: e.g. if LW met future-SIL for the first time and future-SIL was already using "mom" and "dad" for her in-laws, that could be just a little jarring.) And... like, especially if LW is still adjusting to the overall pace at which SIL went from "no one I know" to "part of my extended family", that's an easy place to hang that issue--- especially if on some level LW doesn't actually have any other warning flags beyond "whoa, new person in my family at breakneck pace!" (Tangentially, I'm wondering how the "mom" and "dad" thing came about--- was it at LW's parents' invitation, or did SIL assume? But that's LW's parents' deal to sort out, not LW's business.)

And then, as you say: LW is STILL IN FACT SOL, in that those are LW's issues to sort out in hir own space. Suck it up, deal, vent to Team You. And maybe more to the point talk with a trusted mental health professional and see if LW can sort out what's raising those red flags for LW--- is it just the need for adjustment to new-person-in-family? Does LW see something more fundamentally sketchy about SIL and the name thing is the tip of the iceberg/something comparatively safe to hang distress on? Either way, though, objecting over the name issue is... not a good idea.

Yeah, it's that thing about how just because something makes you unhappy/uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you have the right to demand that it change.

Especially given that in this case, there's also hugely contrasting social norms all over the place with it: for some people it would be a slap in the face (to the parents) for them NOT to call in-laws "mom" and "dad", like they were rejecting the family-ties that are now concrete via the marriage.

I just also don't think the emotions are totally out of left field. For me the emotions and obligations that go with parent-child titles are intense, vast and profound, and having them used at my parents without a full sense that the other person was taking on their half would feel like someone making demands of them/etc and I'd be uncomfortable with it. (And would likewise really not use said titles to parents-of-partner until/unless I felt the same applied between us.)

(And it's definitely not that I have a rigidly bio-linked definition of family, not by a long shot - if anything it's FIRMLY the opposite, to the point where just because you're married to their son DOESN'T make them your parents too, unless that's the relationship you actually have/are committing to. But, like. There are a lot of other norms that exist and are equally important to other people, so.)

Yes, exactly: hugely contrasting social norms around family-words/titles. And also this: Yeah, it's that thing about how just because something makes you unhappy/uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you have the right to demand that it change. And there could be allllllll kinds of ways that new!SIL picked up the habit: it's a thing in her family and LW's parents went along to be nice; LW's husband who apparently has been around longer DOES call LW's parents "Mom" and "Dad" and new!SIL thought she should as well? Soooooo many options.

And... on the flip side... if the LW is getting some deeper weird vibes off new!SIL, it's a better idea to work out what those are, instead of getting up in something that's for LW's parents to decide if they're comfortable with. Like, LW, get thee to a counselor, go, and work out what you're feeling about this and where it's coming from. Are you feeling like your parents are actually uncomfortable with new!SIL's familiarity/intimacy but going along with it to keep the peace and you're feeling like that's icky? Are you resenting the fact that your parents AREN'T uncomfortable with it--- maybe feeling displaced, or like your husband is the less favored child-in-law (especially if he's been around longer but doesn't use family-words for his in-laws--- and boy could there be some stuff around that)? Are you plain and simply feeling the need for more time to get used to the new person and weirded out that no one else seemingly needs time to adjust? Are you picking up on other signals that put you off about new!SIL and this is just the easiest one to put into words? (Because worst-case scenario is that new!SIL does in fact have an agenda--- I'll handwave the relatively quick engagement, "thunderbolts" do happen and quick for one relationship isn't quick for another, but on the other hand getting close to the in-laws quickly could mean that she's got an eye on setting up her and Bro as the favored child(ren) in said in-laws' will, for example--- but LW making noise about the issue of the family terms by itself just makes LW look like the one in the wrong.)

....oh, wow, I'm a freaking cynic, aren't I? But, seriously, no good can come of complaining about the family-titles by their lonesome. Except maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe if LW has noticed their mom or dad giving signs of squick about it that might not be noticeable to people who don't know them as well and privately, as in one-on-one, asking mom or dad about it? Even if it's just, "Oh, hey, I noticed that that weirds you out, the things we do for family, eh," solidarity. But NOT to Bro and SIL. Nope nope nope.

I've called my parents-in-law "mom" and "pop" since my wedding day, at their invitation. For all the LW knows, her sister-in-law was given the same invitation, and honestly it's none of her business if that's the case.

No, there's no proper way too discuss this with the brother and sister-in-law, but maybe the LW could talk to their parents? Not to change what SIL calls them, but if they're as close as LW says maybe their parents could offer some other reassurance that their bond is still special and important. Some dedicated time with just parents & LW maybe? I don't disagree that the name issue is between the parents and SIL but that doesn't address how the LW is feeling besides saying "calm down".

Yeah, that's totally fair and a good suggestion.

It seems like the LW's parents have chosen to invest in a strong relationship with their new daughter in law, despite the short courtship, and truly, what the SIL and the parents call each other isn't really LW's business. Unless LW's husband is theoretical and she's actually a 15 year old, talking to either SIL or the parents about this is only going to reveal her as a jealous, petty person and signal rejection to the SIL and engender disappointment in the parents. It's time for her to put on her big girl pants, buy a ladder, and get the **** over herself.

There are a lot of different expectations around this with different families, and it's something that needs to be worked out between the parents-in-law and the new spouse. My husband was the first of his siblings to get married, and I wasn't comfortable calling his parents Mom and Dad, but in the years since, every other spouse joining the family has immediately started calling them Mom and Dad, so that I ended up feeling like I was rejecting them by not doing it. I'm still not entirely comfortable doing it, but I try. I'm more likely, if I can get away with it, to call them Grammi and Papa which is what the grandchildren call them and what their kids and kids' spouses call them when the grandchildren are in the vicinity.

As far as I can tell, for their particular social group, including the folks in their church community, calling one's in-laws Mom and Dad is the assumed correct thing to do, and anything else is, at best, standoffish. At worst, it's likely to be taken as an attempt to remove one's spouse from their birth family.

My husband avoids using names at all when addressing my parents because they all want him to use first names, and he's very uncomfortable with that but not willing to be rude by calling them anything else when they've requested otherwise.

So a lot depends on the cultural backgrounds of the people involved.

We're still having trouble over conflicting traditions about thank you notes. My family believes that sending a thank you note to a near relative is insulting because it implies that they're a stranger, not someone you're close to. If someone gives you a present and isn't there to see you open it, you might write a note, but a phone call would be more polite.

My husband's family wants thank you notes even for gifts opened in their presence, by close relatives, regardless of whether or not they've already been thanked verbally.

My husband's family wants thank you notes even for gifts opened in their presence, by close relatives, regardless of whether or not they've already been thanked verbally.

Good GOD that would be exhausting. o.o

Oh, thank God someone else feels that way. My family never did thank you notes for in-person presents, and sometimes the etiquette involving gift-giving makes me dizzy.

We honestly don't do thank you notes for anything short of, like, not-in-person gifts of Startling Value? Like when something is quite unusual and Above and Beyond. But Above and Beyond gifts in person result in, you know, displays of joy and delight or whatever . . . in person, and not-in-person gifts that aren't exceptional it just seems Weird and Stilted and Formal.

And on a personal level I will never remember to write them, and don't really need my house cluttered with pieces of paper expressing other people's gratitude, and find it Weird?

So the idea of thank-you notes every time is just . . . yeah. EXHAUSTING. And just. Dude, if I get something for someone it's because I think they'd like it, not because I need an entire ritual dance about how generous I was to have given it.

Yeah, this. I mean, I still call my not-in-laws "Umm" and 'Mmmhmmm" after 21 years with their kid, because they aren't the kind of people you can call by their first names but I can't call my partner's parents "Mr." and "Mrs." And part of this is personal, and a lot of this is cultural background -- I grew up around New England Jews and Catholics, and the non-shouty formality of some southern protestants is confusing to me. It's weird, but it's what works.

(Also, my partner never buys birthday / christmas / anniversary presents or cards for parents or siblings. In my family that would get you mocked ceaselessly; in partner's family it's normal.)

So my feeling is, let your SIL call them anything she wants, and the only people who get to express a desire for change are your parents and your brother. Sorry, LW, you'll have to keep seething privately.

My mother and step-father are peculiar about birthdays. They like it when we call them on their birthdays, but I'm almost 49, and since I left home at 18, my parents have called me on my birthday no more than twice (I only remember once for sure, but it might have happened some other time. Maybe). They have never sent a card. They have never done either for any of their grandchildren.

My husband's parents and sister (but not his brother, so I wonder if it's a gendered thing in that family) do cards for every occasion that might, even remotely, merit one. My husband's sister has sent us cards for the 4th of July and Halloween. For her, however, I think a big piece of it is that she loves making things and has a home business selling stuff that people can use for scrapbooking and card making. My husband thinks cards are essential for birthdays (and for Mother's Day but not for Father's Day) and loves making photo cards. He gets quite upset when he doesn't have one made in time.

I don't call my in-laws mom and dad, and it would feel weird to me to do so, but the fact is, calling ones in-laws mom and dad is very common (though it feels to me in general like more of an older generation thing?), so this LW just kind of needs to get over herself.

God, what an entitled whiner. No, your parents are not YOUR property, and your relationship with them doesn't mean they don't get to have relationship with other people. Like, frex, your brother... It's not unusual to call parents-in-law "mum and dad" if that suits the daughter-in-law and the parents then that's great.

Sometimes families grow through marriage or birth, you get new siblings, new in-laws, new niblings, and children, and step-relations... in my life I've gained a brother, a cousin-in-law, three aunts, two second cousins, and a pile of out-laws (I'm not married)... all these people are "family" now, even though their joining the family was not something I had a say in.

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Dear Abby: but they're MY mom and dad!

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