Dear Prudence: Why Do My Girlfriends Always Think I’m Still in Love With My Ex-Wife?

[minoanmiss]

My ex-wife married a good man immediately after our divorce Our marriage dissolved under the stress of my career and a need for constant moves. Honestly, we get along better now than we did during most of our marriage. I don’t own my own place, as it would be a waste with me relocating as often as I do. When I see my kids, I usually ended up staying at my ex’s. Our youngest has mobility issues, and it is easier to bring all the children together (mine and my ex’s new kids) than to parcel out separate child care. This arrangement has worked out for the last seven years. Last year, I watched the kids for a week while my ex and her husband went to Hawaii.

My question is: How do I explain this situation to the women I date and make it clear I am doing it for my kids and not because I am still in love with my ex? My last three semiserious relationships dissolved over this issue. Either women express their discomfort and try to lessen the amount of time I see my kids, or they refuse to have anything to do with my family (but expect me to jump through hoops for their families). I am tired of playing games. I put all my cards on the table in the beginning of courtship. I guess I just scream “fixer-upper” to women, because they always change their minds as soon as we get to the serious stage.

I am not looking to start a second family at the expense of my first, and my career still means I travel a lot. I am fairly attractive, in shape, and I make very good money. I don’t cheat, and I know how to unload a dishwasher. I keep getting reassured that I am “a catch,” but I can’t seem to keep a relationship going for more than a year. I am only in my mid-40s. What am I doing wrong here?

A: I don’t think you’re doing something wrong here. If anything, I think you’re lucky to get out of these relationships after only a year. Any woman who wants you to spend less time with your children is not the woman for you, and I’m glad you’ve drawn the line and refused to get more seriously involved with anyone who’s trying to cut your kids out of your life. The failure of these relationships isn’t an ill omen; it means that your priorities are in the right order.

Your living arrangement is certainly unique, but it sounds like it’s working for you, and you’re so often away from town that your travel schedule would always be an issue in any new romantic relationship, regardless of whether you shared a home with your ex when you were with your kids. Just because you’re not in a long-term committed relationship doesn’t mean you need to change your approach. A person can be honest, attractive, open, and “do all the right things” and still not end up with one—that’s one of the challenges of dating, I’m afraid. Keep doing what you’re doing, enjoy what you have, and best of luck to you in finding women who aren’t looking to chisel you away from your children.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

For my part I LIKE this guy. Rather than let "the way things are done" hamper his ability to be a father to his children, he has worked out a life that works for them, him, and his ex-wife. I think the girlfriends who have an issue with this are being small-minded.

[movingfinger]

If this really has happened three times that women have broken up with him after a year, citing his long-term family commitments, then he's choosing the wrong women to date and he needs to change his criteria.

I know that sounds simplistic, but he is selecting for traits that are not the traits he says he really wants. Is he dating younger women (he's mid-40s) who might well want their own family and children? Is he dating other divorced people with their own families and entanglements? Is he dating women from social or ethnic backgrounds who would expect him to focus on them? Is he choosing the same personality again and again? Is he genuinely balancing the need to nurture the new relationship against the needs of the children, or is he treating the new partner like a convenience to be enjoyed when he doesn't have other demands on his time?

I am absolutely certain that there are a lot of women with or without children, who would date this guy seriously. So he needs to ask himself why he is not seeking them out.

[sporky_rat]

I appreciate that this person mentions knowing how to unload a dishwasher.

[ashbet]

This is the kind of thing I could be fine with in a primarily-LDR relationship (given all the work travel), but is he expecting monogamy and to be his new partner’s primary partner and highest priority, whereas she’s lower on his list?

(My daughter’s father, from whom I’ve been divorced for 27 years, is our housemate when he’s in town — for similar reasons, his job has him on the road for 10-11 months a year — but thankfully people do understand that we’re not together!)