Dear Prudence: Why Do My Girlfriends Always Think I’m Still in Love With My Ex-Wife?

[minoanmiss]

My ex-wife married a good man immediately after our divorce Our marriage dissolved under the stress of my career and a need for constant moves. Honestly, we get along better now than we did during most of our marriage. I don’t own my own place, as it would be a waste with me relocating as often as I do. When I see my kids, I usually ended up staying at my ex’s. Our youngest has mobility issues, and it is easier to bring all the children together (mine and my ex’s new kids) than to parcel out separate child care. This arrangement has worked out for the last seven years. Last year, I watched the kids for a week while my ex and her husband went to Hawaii.

My question is: How do I explain this situation to the women I date and make it clear I am doing it for my kids and not because I am still in love with my ex? My last three semiserious relationships dissolved over this issue. Either women express their discomfort and try to lessen the amount of time I see my kids, or they refuse to have anything to do with my family (but expect me to jump through hoops for their families). I am tired of playing games. I put all my cards on the table in the beginning of courtship. I guess I just scream “fixer-upper” to women, because they always change their minds as soon as we get to the serious stage.

I am not looking to start a second family at the expense of my first, and my career still means I travel a lot. I am fairly attractive, in shape, and I make very good money. I don’t cheat, and I know how to unload a dishwasher. I keep getting reassured that I am “a catch,” but I can’t seem to keep a relationship going for more than a year. I am only in my mid-40s. What am I doing wrong here?

A: I don’t think you’re doing something wrong here. If anything, I think you’re lucky to get out of these relationships after only a year. Any woman who wants you to spend less time with your children is not the woman for you, and I’m glad you’ve drawn the line and refused to get more seriously involved with anyone who’s trying to cut your kids out of your life. The failure of these relationships isn’t an ill omen; it means that your priorities are in the right order.

Your living arrangement is certainly unique, but it sounds like it’s working for you, and you’re so often away from town that your travel schedule would always be an issue in any new romantic relationship, regardless of whether you shared a home with your ex when you were with your kids. Just because you’re not in a long-term committed relationship doesn’t mean you need to change your approach. A person can be honest, attractive, open, and “do all the right things” and still not end up with one—that’s one of the challenges of dating, I’m afraid. Keep doing what you’re doing, enjoy what you have, and best of luck to you in finding women who aren’t looking to chisel you away from your children.

Comments

[movingfinger]

If this really has happened three times that women have broken up with him after a year, citing his long-term family commitments, then he's choosing the wrong women to date and he needs to change his criteria.

I know that sounds simplistic, but he is selecting for traits that are not the traits he says he really wants. Is he dating younger women (he's mid-40s) who might well want their own family and children? Is he dating other divorced people with their own families and entanglements? Is he dating women from social or ethnic backgrounds who would expect him to focus on them? Is he choosing the same personality again and again? Is he genuinely balancing the need to nurture the new relationship against the needs of the children, or is he treating the new partner like a convenience to be enjoyed when he doesn't have other demands on his time?

I am absolutely certain that there are a lot of women with or without children, who would date this guy seriously. So he needs to ask himself why he is not seeking them out.

[minoanmiss]

This is why I post things here. This is a whole wing of the situation I hadn't even considered. Danny should share whatever he got paid with you.

[sathari]

Concurrent opinion here. I have a lot of things to say about this, but it boils down to, "I think this guy may be expecting to be the first priority of someone who is his third priority." And he's chosen some very legit priorities--- his kids, and lucrative work with job requirements he's comfortable with! These are good choices! Well done, LW, you seem to have your priorities in order!

But. Either, as you said, he needs to improve his selection of partners, or he needs to rethink his definition of "serious". Because as you say there are definitely women who would date this guy on a level they consider serious. But finding someone who is okay with, in effect, being his third priority almost certainly means someone who will return the favor in some way. In particular, if he's looking for people who want to cohabitate and/or share community property, his overall package deal is... definitely narrowing the field. "We move constantly, our primary permanent social circle seems to have ended up revolving around my husband's first wife, her new spouse, and her offspring not all of whom are his but he's not interested in having kids with me, and I can't keep a job or friends of my own because we're always moving" is... its own advice column letter, to say the least. And... is he expecting a partner to stay over at the first wife's house with him when he goes to see the kids? More generally, how much is he expecting a partner to spend time, not just with his offspring, but with his first wife and new husband? It's one thing to accept that kids are a package deal with their parents and that you're going to need to at least attempt a modicum of civility with the other parent of your partner's kids, but this is potentially a LOT of socializing with the same two other adults, in their home. That's a three-for-one deal that may not be a bargain for some people.

I'll admit that my own brain catches on "you seem to be suggesting that you want someone who doesn't want to have kids but wants to spend time with yours" which is going to narrow the field all on its own--- not that everyone who wants kids feels the need to have them be biological, but you're having to want these specific kids while not adopting/birthing any yourself or even having primary custody of the ones you are only-sort-of-getting to parent. But the "I move so frequently for work that there's no point in owning a home even though I make good money" also sounds like someone who... either needs a long-term partner who's equally mobile in some way or who needs to adjust to LDR's, because however good it is for LW's career, it's probably not good for a partner's work and other financial and psychosocial prospects unless they're in a really flexible or high-demand profession or something, and that's not even getting into whatever social support networks the partner might be having to uproot--- yes, there are people who can do this! But LW is just as-is making some unusual choices and making them work, and it's going to take someone who's any of a number of different right kinds of unique in their own right to mesh with what he's got working rather than wreck it.

Which is a really long way of saying that I agree that he needs better partner-selection processes. Or... reconsider some of what he wants in a relationship, maybe? Like, someone who wholly supports him spending time with the kids but isn't quite as involved as he'd like? Or someone who gets along with the kids and ex-and-new-spouse and is, like, willing to co-purchase a "home base"--- maybe in the same area as ex-wife!--- and not move all over the place with him so she can keep her job and they'll see each other when they can, and also the kids can all come and stay at their place sometimes? (Minus the "kids and ex-wife and spouse" part, my parents did this for a while after I went to college--- Mom had a job she liked, so Dad moved for his job and she stayed and they saw each other when they both had vacation.)

Also, I have to wonder how he would be with the shoe being on the other foot--- he talks about "not looking to start a second family at the expense of my first" and also about women "expect[ing] him to jump through hoops for their families". Is he dating other people with children? How would he be with someone he was serious with who had an equivalent relationship with her ex-husband? Would he sleep over at his partner's first husband's house with her? What role does he see for himself in blending any kids his new partner might already have into the bigger family? Because that "not looking to start a second family"... okay, I'm glad he's putting the kids he's already got first! But... the pool of people his age who like being around kids just enough to want to spend time with his kids, at his ex-wife's place, but who don't either already have kids or want more involvement in the parenting of kids than they may get in this scenario gets smaller and smaller. I'm not saying they don't exist! It's just--- it's sort of like in all the advice columns where one half of a couple writes in about how to compromise on the "kids/no kids" issue and someone says, "You can't have half a baby"? This is like the flip side of that, because LW's partner is likely getting half a parenting experience--- and it's going to tricky finding someone who wants exactly that half. (And then we get back to the geographic instability and... yeah.)

[jadelennox]

"I think this guy may be expecting to be the first priority of someone who is his third priority." And he's chosen some very legit priorities--- his kids, and lucrative work with job requirements he's comfortable with! These are good choices! Well done, LW, you seem to have your priorities in order!

Yes, exactly! But, LW, you're only in your mid-40s, and given the prejudices of our society, since you don't mention that you date older women, you are certainly dating no older than yourself. And mid-40s is pretty young to say I am not looking to start a second family at the expense of my first for a lot of people. A woman with more of her life behind her might be happy to find someone in the same stage of looking-for-acquaintanceship-and-sex that I suspect LW is seeking, but it's going to take more work to find it in a woman who is still in the kids-are-feasible range. And if a woman has reached that age without kids of her own, it may be that she doesn't want kids in her life. I'm not saying you can't find someone who shares your priorities, which are good ones, but you have to work at it.

I do have suspicions about missing context, though. "I put all my cards on the table but they keep leaving me when they find out I mean it" seems hinky to me.