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agonyaunt2021-09-29 05:44 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-09-29 05:44 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Should I Tell My Brother's Girlfriend He's Gay?
Content advisory: Christianity, conversion therapy, internalized homophobia, and an honestly well meaning LW.
My younger brother and I (he’s 28, I’m 30) were raised in an extremely conservative evangelical household. When he was 18, my brother tearfully confessed to me and my parents that he is gay. I told him I would support him no matter what, but my parents made him listen to lectures about how being gay is a sin, and how he could change if he really tried, and sent him to a “conversion therapy” camp. Since then, he has gone out with a series of young women and is planning on proposing to his current girlfriend. He appears happy on the surface, but to me, he seems broken and deflated, and I see no real joy in his relationships. It breaks my heart to see him so miserable. I’ve always tried to counter my parents’ preaching, but I’m worried it’s too late. She doesn’t know that he’s gay—my brother told me he’s never told her. Since all my pleas have fallen on deaf ears, I am wondering if you can tell me: Should I say something to his girlfriend? I am afraid that if he goes through with this proposal they will both be unhappy. I think telling his girlfriend about his confession might be the only way to save them.
—Saving the Beard
I can’t quite see my way to saying, “Yes, you should out your deeply closeted, self-loathing brother.” That said, I feel a great deal of compassion for his girlfriend, especially as it seems likely that she has no idea the man she loves is gay. For what it’s worth, I believe that your read of the situation is accurate, that the conversion therapy your brother suffered as a teenager likely “cured” him of nothing but contributed to a great deal of pain and self-hatred, and that a marriage between your brother and his girlfriend according to their current understanding would be ill-advised.
I think you should begin by appealing to your brother: “I love you so much, and I think the world of you just as you are, and it breaks my heart that you think you have to ‘fix’ the fact that you’re gay. I don’t think that you do. But I want to respect however you choose to live your life, and if you’ve decided you would rather marry a woman despite being attracted to men, I could find a way to support that if your relationship were not based on hiding this information from her. I don’t doubt that you care for her. If you two had decided to build a life together after she made an informed decision, that would be one thing, but I think you will only hurt both her and yourself if you try to start a marriage this way. I’m asking you as your sister—as someone who loves you and wants you to be happy, joyous, and freely and fully known by your partner—to please reconsider your decision to propose. This is a part of your life that she should know about, regardless of how you identify now, and if there’s any chance she could find out from some other source later in life, I think you’d rather she heard it first from you. You’re the best person to share this information with her.” You say that he hasn’t responded to your pleas in the past, so I’m aware this request may also go ignored, but it is absolutely worth saying, if only for your own conscience. If nothing else, at least one person in your brother’s life should be able to say, “I love you, and it’s OK that you’re gay, and I want you to know that.”
If worst comes to worst, and your brother never tells his girlfriend that he’s gay and they do get engaged, let him know that while you’re not going to out him or cut him off, you’re not going to actively help him lie to her either. You’ll have to determine for yourself what that compromise will look like and how much time you’ll be able to spend with them as a couple, but I urge you to remain an available and loving presence in your brother’s life—even if it’s at a distance—so that if the day ever comes that he does decide to come out again, he’ll have someone who can support him.
My younger brother and I (he’s 28, I’m 30) were raised in an extremely conservative evangelical household. When he was 18, my brother tearfully confessed to me and my parents that he is gay. I told him I would support him no matter what, but my parents made him listen to lectures about how being gay is a sin, and how he could change if he really tried, and sent him to a “conversion therapy” camp. Since then, he has gone out with a series of young women and is planning on proposing to his current girlfriend. He appears happy on the surface, but to me, he seems broken and deflated, and I see no real joy in his relationships. It breaks my heart to see him so miserable. I’ve always tried to counter my parents’ preaching, but I’m worried it’s too late. She doesn’t know that he’s gay—my brother told me he’s never told her. Since all my pleas have fallen on deaf ears, I am wondering if you can tell me: Should I say something to his girlfriend? I am afraid that if he goes through with this proposal they will both be unhappy. I think telling his girlfriend about his confession might be the only way to save them.
—Saving the Beard
I can’t quite see my way to saying, “Yes, you should out your deeply closeted, self-loathing brother.” That said, I feel a great deal of compassion for his girlfriend, especially as it seems likely that she has no idea the man she loves is gay. For what it’s worth, I believe that your read of the situation is accurate, that the conversion therapy your brother suffered as a teenager likely “cured” him of nothing but contributed to a great deal of pain and self-hatred, and that a marriage between your brother and his girlfriend according to their current understanding would be ill-advised.
I think you should begin by appealing to your brother: “I love you so much, and I think the world of you just as you are, and it breaks my heart that you think you have to ‘fix’ the fact that you’re gay. I don’t think that you do. But I want to respect however you choose to live your life, and if you’ve decided you would rather marry a woman despite being attracted to men, I could find a way to support that if your relationship were not based on hiding this information from her. I don’t doubt that you care for her. If you two had decided to build a life together after she made an informed decision, that would be one thing, but I think you will only hurt both her and yourself if you try to start a marriage this way. I’m asking you as your sister—as someone who loves you and wants you to be happy, joyous, and freely and fully known by your partner—to please reconsider your decision to propose. This is a part of your life that she should know about, regardless of how you identify now, and if there’s any chance she could find out from some other source later in life, I think you’d rather she heard it first from you. You’re the best person to share this information with her.” You say that he hasn’t responded to your pleas in the past, so I’m aware this request may also go ignored, but it is absolutely worth saying, if only for your own conscience. If nothing else, at least one person in your brother’s life should be able to say, “I love you, and it’s OK that you’re gay, and I want you to know that.”
If worst comes to worst, and your brother never tells his girlfriend that he’s gay and they do get engaged, let him know that while you’re not going to out him or cut him off, you’re not going to actively help him lie to her either. You’ll have to determine for yourself what that compromise will look like and how much time you’ll be able to spend with them as a couple, but I urge you to remain an available and loving presence in your brother’s life—even if it’s at a distance—so that if the day ever comes that he does decide to come out again, he’ll have someone who can support him.
no subject
Oh goodness, yes. Conversion therapy is torture and torture is harmful, full stop. Besides, .... being bisexual I have had gay anf lesbian people tell me, "At least [your parents/church/other homophobic authorities] must be relieved you're still part het", but in addition to "part het" not at all being what bisexuality is, I have never found such an authority to differentiate very much. If my parents had found out I'm into girls they would not have cared that I'm also into guys (and various others, but I digress) they just would have sent me off to be tormented into being "normal". And I can't imagine being subjected to that being at all ameliorated by being bi, not least because conversion therapy is as much about a narrow form of heteronormativity as it is about 'heterosexuality' however defined.
no subject
no subject
annihilating your sense of self as well as your instincts about your body & intimacy in order to replace it with external standards and constant self-surveillance
This is SO true and SO well phrased. My whole experience of being raised Evangelical Christian was like this, and from what I've seen conversion therapy is this process turned up to 11.
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