agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: My Boyfriend's Cat is Ruining My Life

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Dear Prudence: My Boyfriend's Cat is Ruining My Life

I really, really hate my boyfriend’s cat. I really, really hate my boyfriend’s cat. We’ve been dating for about eight months now, and he’s overall a great guy. But about three months ago, he decided to adopt a cat, and even asked me, though I admit I was more hesitant. Although I don’t live with him, we spend most nights together.

Cut to three months later, and I can’t stand what I got myself into. The cat howls constantly 24 hours a day, always for food, and my boyfriend in turn obliges. Even the vet was concerned the cat was too heavy at his last check-in, but my boyfriend refuses to acknowledge it. In the meantime, I’m getting very little sleep (my boyfriend wears earplugs at night when I’m around because he’s the lighter sleeper, but insists someone has to be able to hear the cat). The cat is also extremely aggressive, often drawing blood when he “plays,” and I just really don’t want to be around him. My boyfriend has also said things like, “this is the first time he’s had true love” and if I don’t love the cat, I clearly just don’t love him. This isn’t true, but I don’t have a lot of patience left for a creature that wants to hurt me and that I can’t live with long-term.

— Not Cool With the Cat

I asked for help with this question because my gut reaction was that you are living in hell with a man who isn’t reasonable and doesn’t care about your feelings. The idea of occasionally being attacked … excuse me, played with … in a way that draws blood while also being deprived of sleep was just too much for me. I didn’t see any hope for the relationship.

But a small voice in my head said, “You’re not a cat person, though.” It’s true, I’m not. And I’m sort of aware, based on things I’ve read on the internet, that those who are cat people have a different level of tolerance for being scratched up (and woken up at night, having their belongings peed on, etc.) than I would ever imagine. So, in an effort to be fair to you, your boyfriend, and this innocent animal, I asked for some other perspectives.

There were in fact a couple of people who thought you were an unreasonable cat-hater who didn’t deserve to be around this pet, and said your boyfriend should break up with you. I just can’t get on board with that. I think if you started a relationship not living in fear of having blood drawn by an animal’s claws, it’s reasonable to expect to continue living that lifestyle.

But the replies did open my eyes to the fact that there’s hope for the cat. It sounds like its behavior isn’t totally out of the ordinary, and with some combination of a consultation with a vet, training, and different feeding techniques (and possibly the keto diet?), there’s a real chance that it could improve:

“Try feeding the cat raw meat or shrimp. He may be eating a dry mix that doesn’t nourish him. There is a lot of bad cat food for sale, including the expensive stuff. #KetoCat” —dinahmillertx

“I think there are a lot of bigger problems here but I second the suggestion of an automatic feeder. You can program them for lots of *small* feedings and it really helps w/ a needy cat.” — kat_maybird

“My cat was overweight and always needy for food. The first thing I did was make sure she gains trust in that there will always be food for her, but not by getting up every time she asked.

Get an automated feeder and set it for small amounts multiple times a day and night.” —berrakbiz

Of course, none of this works unless your boyfriend participates:

“My cat was aggressive and vocal when I first got her because she came from an abusive situation. Does the cat have toys? Are his nails clipped? But honestly, if the boyfriend isn’t acknowledging that there’s a problem, then the behavior won’t change.” —berrakbiz

“The cat and boyfriend clearly both need behavioral adjustments. Maybe look into training for them both. The boyfriend to handle and stop his enabling habits. The cat needs to not be aggressive or demanding food.” —tangledcopse

So it’s definitely worth sharing these tips with your boyfriend and hoping he makes an effort to be a good cat parent, but I have to say I’m not super hopeful about his ability to treat the animal well or—and this is the key part—to treat you well. There was resounding agreement that this situation has revealed some things about him that won’t be fixed with an automatic feeder—he’s being irresponsible, insensitive, and selfish. The way he’s dealing with a pet doesn’t bode well for his ability to be an engaged parent, if that’s something that’s in your future. And the fact that he expects you to be the one to lose sleep while he wears earplugs is especially unforgivable.

“If the BF isn’t actively discussing the cat situation with the GF and also working WITH her to help the cat adjust, IMAGINE WHAT HE MIGHT BE LIKE AS A PARENT.” —nerdette

“She should thank the cat for showing her what an awful parent this guy would be.” —sarahmanyzz

“the earplugs bit, whew. DUMP HIM” —clarajeffery

“The cat is a distraction. You’ve learned your boyfriend will avoid difficult decisions, has no follow-through, and cares more about his feelings than your needs. Regardless of the outcome with the cat, figure out if this kind of person deserves to be in your life.” —cleverwhatever

“He decided that he needs sleep but you don’t? And that his cat should remain unhappy? This man does not care about the health and well-being of you or the cat; please dispose of him immediately.” —chandrasplate

“She gotta run asap. First, sounds like he likes the cat bc it can’t call him on his bs, like his GF. Second, I’d bet this isn’t the only issue where he’s dismissive of her humanity (and reality) in order to maintain his entertainment or world view.” —ngongang

“Look, I’m Team Cat in all situations, but wearing earplugs and forcing the girlfriend to deal with the yowling cat in the dead of night? Willfully sacrificing her sleep instead of inconveniencing your own? That’s some bullshit, right there.” — babsvan

“Honestly, wearing earplugs when she’s over because he’s a light sleeper but insisting “someone has to be able to hear the cat” is not a great sign if they ever intend to procreate. The boyfriend seems to be a bigger problem than the cat here.” — cmgreen86

“Cat person: Dump him.” —sesmith

As always, I have to acknowledge that it’s easier for us to tell you to break up with someone we don’t know than it is for you to break up with someone you love. I’m sure he has some good qualities that weren’t mentioned in the letter. So, if you do want to stay together for now, take

alyssafranke’s advice and disengage from cat care completely: “It’s time to put the burden for managing the cat’s behavioral issues back on the boyfriend. Earplugs in & practice saying ‘I’m sorry, that sounds like something you need to take care of.’ And respond to all guilt tripping with ‘I love you, but I can’t care for your cat for you.’”

Hopefully once you’re getting some sleep and have freed up some mental space, you can focus on the real issue: You deserve a better boyfriend.

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[Ed. Note: I need to find advice columns beyond Slate but omg, the questions they get!]

In my storytelling heart I kind of want this to resolve with LW kicking out Boyfriend, keeping the cat, going to behavioral training with the cat, and bonding with the cat. But I am ridiculous.

IRL, I couldn't do this and if I knew LW I would have bought her a suitcase already.

The earplug thing is--yikes. Definitely a red flag.

But mostly the person I feel sympathy here for is the cat. Cats regularly drawing blood when they're engaged in play (as opposed to when they're frightened and defensive, or overstimulated and want to be left alone) is not normal. I have never had a cat who displays that level of violence and of the probably more than a hundred friends' cats I've known I can think of exactly one where that was an issue. It is possible they have an unusually aggressive cat; it is more likely to me (especially between the fact that the LW clearly doesn't like cats to begin with and the BF does not understand cats well enough to set and maintain a feeding schedule) that neither of them really understands how to engage with a cat in a way that makes it feel safe while giving it sufficient physical and mental exercise.

LW should probably dump BF, but man, I sure hope that if that cat doesn't get rehomed, one or both of his humans does some studying on cat behavior.

Yeah, I want a happy ending for the LW and the cat. Not so concerned with the boyfriend, what with him assigning the LW unending overnight duties with the cat.

My partner's cat is called Yellface for the internet, and sometimes to her face. She yelled to be fed. A lot.

In addition to the food insecurity from having started life in a hoarder situation and then been in a home with three other cats (most of whom she disliked), finally getting to a situation where she was the only cat turned up that she had an overactive thyroid. Now that she's been (expensively*) irradiated, had her food changed (kibble only for treats, nice meaty wet food for normal feeding instead of about half and half), and allowed to have seconds until she wasn't hungry until her thyroid finished settling down, she has now settled down to a much calmer approach to food with two single feedings a day. She still yells before meals and when she has other concerns (her monkeys are not in bed or not giving her pettings) but there's less of a frantic element and she's happier overall.

(* as long as she lives a certain point past the treatment, it'll be cheaper than the pills and much less stressful on everyone.)

When we were still figuring out things at the food end, automatic feeders were a blessing, because she would sit at the loaded feeder and try to get it open instead of yelling at a thumbs-monkey to make with the feeding.

Whatever this cat's situation is, he's not going to get the help he needs if one of the humans hates him and the other insists on acceding to the food demands without question.

Edited 2021-09-10 19:53 (UTC)

yeah, the cat has other issues, and the BF should be addressing them.

That said, Prudence, good god, don't ask the internet for advice on this situation! Ask a vet or an animal behaviorist (or, preferably, both) to give you expert advice. If you ask the internet, you'll get godawful answers like

Try feeding the cat raw meat or shrimp. He may be eating a dry mix that doesn’t nourish him. There is a lot of bad cat food for sale, including the expensive stuff. #KetoCat

And then you'll print them.

(If the hashtag isn't enough of a hint that this commenter is awful -- cats are obligate carnivores, and their diet should absolutely be high protein and very low carb, but "#KetoCat" makes it pretty clear the poster is applying a fad diet to an animal -- someone might actually take this terrible advice. And, yeah, there are some actual vets who do feed cats and dogs raw meat. A very, very small number of actual vets. But for the most part, dealing with raw meat in a human/pet household is a damn good way to get both the humans and the pets quite ill, unless the pet owner is extremely careful. And this one line bit of "advice" has nothing to do with being careful. Might the cat be on a poor diet? Absolutely! It could be junky food, or bad amounts, or a cat with a food allergy, or too little water, or eating table scraps. Or the cat could have IBS, or stomach cancer. The correct advice is not "pass the cat some raw hamburger!" it's go to the vet, FFS.)

ETA: Assuming the OP's BF can afford the vet. If they can't, the advice is "find a charity that will pay for the vet."

Edited 2021-09-11 02:24 (UTC)

yeah, that upset me, too. Don't take nutritional advice, for oneself or for animals, from internet randos!! what the helllll

This is part of why I posted this one -- I am not so sure the crowdsourcing model is working as well as hoped.

This guy better be hotter than the sun in bed, because he's not much in every other department. She needs to stop sleeping over there, because she's not actually sleeping. If this boyfriend is such a light sleeper he can't sleep with her present, she's better off with a body pillow in her own, non-yowling, bed.

This cat sounds bored and anxious and I hope this all comes out well for him, but I am afraid it will not because he'll have to be in a different home.

If he can't even acknowledge there's a problem, the situation won't even begin to change. Which is sad because there are so many solutions and chances to bond over the cat!

I, too, have a great deal of sympathy for this cat which is clearly not being cared for properly. The cat needs to go to the vet and get a full work-up, including nail trimming (which needs to be done regularly from now on) and Boyfriend needs to learn how to take care of this animal properly, because he is failing.

Meanwhile, LW needs to get out. It's not her cat, not her problem.

As a cat person, I'm stuck on the cat drawing blood.

Happy cats (er, that don't need overdue claw trimming, don't look at me like that) don't draw blood. This cat ain't happy.

(Ferdinand needs his claws clipped once a week, I might get to it once a month, I acknowledge that I have made my bed of small scratches and faint marks and live with it.)

As a cat person, I'm stuck on the cat drawing blood.

Happy cats (er, that don't need overdue claw trimming, don't look at me like that) don't draw blood. This cat ain't happy.

(Ferdinand needs his claws clipped once a week, I might get to it once a month, I acknowledge that I have made my bed of small scratches and faint marks and live with it.)

Yes!

I have a Siamese who gets very bitey when

- she wants to be patted and is not being patted

- I am patting her and I stop before she is done

- I am patting her wrong

and I'm pretty sure she has NEVER drawn blood...

I did end up clipping Ferdinand's claws tonight.

I only got one claw stuck in my trousers.

Still no blood. (pink spot, sure, no blood)

Good job keeping your blood inside!

right? we have had many cats over the years. precisely ONE ever drew blood, and only when accidentally stepped on (dear dark cats: STOP SITTING IN SHADOWS).

right now we have a 15 week old kitten who is still in the playful Baby Sharp phase, and even when he gets too sharp, there's no blood, and he is quickly learning that Too Sharp means the person says NO and pulls away instead of playing. Cats who don't learn that, and readily, have something else going on that's a problem.

Uuuuuugh. Dump the guy, LW. And feel very sorry for the cat, who is deeply unhappy and *can't* dump him.

His idea of "true love" with the cat is ignoring its needs, letting it howl without addressing whatever is causing the distress, ignoring that aggression and drawing blood are signs of a cat who is NOT HAPPY and does NOT FEEL SAFE. He's not a cat person, he's a controlling shithead who wants both partner and cat to do whatever he wants without having to exercise any empathy or change any habits for their benefit. No one is allowed to feel safe and secure in this jerk's home - not his cat and not his partner.

That poor, poor cat. I *am* a cat person and I *have* adopted cats who were traumatized and skittish and bitey and insecure, and it is absolutely possible to set reasonable boundaries (like NOT ROUGHHOUSING WITH YOUR HANDS GODDAMMIT) and let the cat set its own boundaries (no uninvited touching or sudden movements!) and, with patience and care and attention to the cat's sense of safety and security, end up with a snuggly affectionate cat who is not afraid or aggressive anymore. But this dude isn't even trying.

Boyfriend told LW he has true love with the cat and not LW, so what exactly are they looking for with him? That’s the first thing LW needs to figure out before deciding what boundaries they want to make.

Boyfriend who wears ear plugs told LW they can’t wear ear plugs because they must listen to the cat cry. LW has already said that they are not willing to live long term with a creature who wants to hurt them. Boyfriend is that creature, so how long does LW want to stay?

Also LW needs to ask themself why they comply with boyfriend’s unreasonable command, as if there is a reasonable command supposed equals can give each other? Have they tried saying, “No?” and wearing earplugs? LW needs to figure this out before their next relationship with someone else.

LW's descriptions of reality are not matching up. LW says boyfriend feeds the cat 24/7. This is not true. Boyfriend wears earplugs when he sleeps so he can’t hear the cat. If thae cat is eating 24/7 then it is because LW again has complied with boyfriend's commands and is getting up to feed the cat or relaying the message to the boyfriend from the cat in triplicate. Again, LW needs to ask why they are complying with his orders, and ones that hurt them, and in this case, the cat as well.

The usual answer, but LW needs a therapist to help them answer these questions before they can know how to bring these problems up directly to the boyfriend, because obviously they haven’t and would rather stew about the cat and not think about what they want to say to the boyfriend, and once LW figures out their boundaries, LW needs to learn how to set those boundaries. Because the boyfriend is using the poor cat to set his boundaries with LW. And his boundaries are staked out into LW’s bleeding limbs and tired ears.

Edited 2021-09-11 09:36 (UTC)

Ten bucks says BF is playing with his cat as if it is a dog.

I most usually get savaged when I'm shoving the girls into their carriers. Or when one of them launches herself off of me while I'm in bed. One of them got the bottom of my toe? Somehow?

Otherwise, it's when we're having Belly Pettins which both cats love (exclusively from me), but I failed to pay close enough attention and we went from pets! to play! And as we know play is prey when you're a cat.

It took months of not sleeping well or sufficiently long to get to the point where the cats respected that breakfast happened on my schedule, not their whim.

Anyway tldr while I would absolutely break up with someone who showed as much antipathy to my cats (or my incoming snake) as the LW, boyfriend's cat husbandry suuuuuucks.

And yeah, sometimes they take a big wet poop and then jump right up on your pillow without cleaning their butt. Other times they curl up at the small of your back and purr when you have cramps. It evens out.

Did I ever tell you about Piggy The Evil Cat who was one of my roommates in Benneton House?

Nope but you're gonna, right?

Of course!

So My first apartment we nicknamed Benneton House because we had a blonde girl, a Jewish girl, an Asian girl, a Black girl, and Asian girl's useless drummer boyfriend. We also had 3 cats.

Piggy was one of the cats. He was large, black, and evil. He clawed every living being in the house. He split one of the other cat's noses open. His favorite trick was to creep on silent cat feet up the back of the couch and then snarl in your face, showing every single one of his sharp kitty teeth. so suddenly you'd look over and see the last view of many a bird and rodent, and you'd find yourself on your feet swearing as he smugly settled into the seat you'd warmed for him.

I have never met any group of creatures with minds -- dogs, horses, definitely not humans -- where there were no assholes. Piggy remains my prime example of an Asshole Cat. I've based characters on him.

Oh my god Piggy sounds MAJESTIC

I am torn between wanting him nowhere near you and wwondering if you could have been the Alexander to his Bucephalus.

I would have made him LOVE me

Of course, but cvould you have gotten him to stop savaging the rest of us? You can see why I might inquire.

Probably not (it would require everyone to consistently change their behavior toward and around the cat plus rearranging the entire house to suit the cat's needs and even then it's a bit of a craps shoot) but I probably could have convinced his technical owner to let me keep him when I eventually moved out which is almost the same thing

I certainly would have encouraged her to give him to you. She already had the deadbeat boyfriend. :D

Dear LW, your boyfriend's cat isn't ruining your life - your boyfriend is ruining your life and his cat's life. And he sees nothing wrong with that. Get out, and see if you can't rehome the cat in the process.

I remain thankful to captain awkward for giving us "you don't have an X problem, you have a boyfriend problem"

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Dear Prudence: My Boyfriend's Cat is Ruining My Life

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