agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: My Mother Dated My FIL. It Ended Badly

My father-in-law is a well-known womanizer. My husband had four stepmothers before he turned 20. My father-in-law has one saving grace in that he cared for his stepchildren as his own (one stepdaughter and her son currently live with him). He is a very charming man. My parents just had a divorce after being married for 30 years. Long story short, my newly single mother hooked up with my father-in-law over Christmas at my house! It creeped me out, and I warned my mother that my father-in-law has never been faithful in his life. She told me she knew what she was doing. They began to publicly date this spring, and the relationship crashed and burned as I predicted. My mother caught him cheating.

She is still furious and refuses to attend any family event (including her grandchildren’s activities!) where she might see him. Everyone comes to my home, since it is the largest and most comfortable. It is mostly my in-laws (stepsisters and their kids, my cousins, etc.), since my brother and father both moved out of state. My husband and I both work and have three kids; it is hard to find time to just see my mother besides a quick lunch. My father-in-law has personally apologized to me for the “trouble” he caused, while my mother sulks. She complains about “that man” being in my home and how I should be on her side. I love my mother, I am sorry she is hurting, but literally every one of us told her my father-in-law was a hound dog. The man had five failed marriages before he hit 50! What do I do with my mother?

A: I can understand your frustration with your mother, but I wouldn’t be quite so quick to laugh off your father-in-law’s actions. If it’s inappropriate for her to sleep with your father-in-law, it’s surely just as inappropriate for him to sleep with your mother, and the fact that he treats all of his romantic and sexual partners badly all of the time doesn’t exactly mean it should be laughed off. He slept with your newly single, emotionally vulnerable mother during a family holiday and then cheated on her a few months later. The fact that he cheated on all his other wives doesn’t make it fine. You say that you tried to warn her in advance, but my guess is that he didn’t lead with “Hey, I cheat on everybody I date.” He may very well have given her a plausible justification or charming deflection. Of course, that doesn’t mean that your mother isn’t responsible for her own behavior, and you did of course warn her about his dating history. I just don’t want you to think of her as an idiot for thinking he wanted to be with her or as totally unreasonable for feeling hurt now.

If you have to prioritize one of them over the other, I think you should ask him to work around her schedule, at least for the immediate future. That won’t always be possible, of course, and I think it’s fine for you to set certain limits and say to your mom, “I love you and I agree that he’s a dog, but I also told you not to date him and I can’t always rearrange things to your benefit to make sure you don’t have to see your ex. I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.”

Dear Prudence: My Mother Dated My FIL. It Ended Badly

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