Ask Amy: LW has a transphobic friend and a trans kid and is somehow confused about what to do

[jadelennox]

Dear Amy: I have a friend with whom I often socialize. He's 65 years old and stubborn. This friend uses the term 'gender confused' when referring to people whom he perceives as not representing their assigned gender.

I used to find this annoying but would try to let it roll off my shoulders, chalking this up to his own ignorance about the gender spectrum.

Now I feel upset and angry when he uses this term because he's now referring to my own (gender transitioning) child when using this slur.

I've told him (more than once) that I find "gender confused" a slur against people who understand they are more comfortable expressing themselves as a gender other than their birth-assigned-gender, and he responded (loudly and angrily), "So you're saying I'm not entitled to my opinion?"

I believe he's entitled to his opinion, but I want to tell him that I don't want to continue our friendship if he feels a need to express his opinion in a way that makes me feel so sad and angry.

How do I do this when he isn't willing to listen or change his choice of words?

— Lonesome Single



Lonesome Single: You’ve already called out this person, and he has loudly responded that his opinion means more to him than respecting your stated wishes.

I’m not sure why you two end up discussing gender so often, but you don’t seem to have supplied him with a term you would prefer him to use. “Confusion” does not describe your transitioning child, but “Nonconforming” might.

It seems likely, however, that you do not have the power to inspire him to change either his opinion or the language he uses to express it.

Threatening to end the friendship over this will probably bring on another round of his opinions.

It’s possible that this friendship has run its course, and if that’s the case, it’s not necessary to issue a warning.

Comments

[jadelennox]

LW:

1. You let it roll off your shoulders until you had a trans kid. Think about that.
2. What does it mean to be "entitled" to an opinion? Does it mean "entitled to have an opinion without being arrested?" Does it mean "entitled to have an opinion without your acquaintances calling you a bigot and an asshole?"
3. He is referring to your child by a slur.
4. He is referring to your child by a slur.

[cimorene]

All of this but also I feel like the answer is like... correct but the answerer seems to fail to comprehend the scope of the LW's problem.

They don't just need advice about whether to continue the friendship, it seems like they are completely unable to deal with verbal conflict at all and also, as you point out, weirdly forgiving of these opinions given that they claim they WERE actually upsetting to them before. If someone keeps saying something habitually in conversation that upsets you, it doesn't even have to be a matter of bigotry or dehumanization - what they're saying doesn't even have to be morally or ethically wrong! It's enough to just... not want your friends to keep upsetting you? You can simply casually ask your friends to not use that term ("moist" for example), or to not talk about a whole topic! I've seen people request that the conversation completely avoid food, or any reference to death, in their presence and the other people around pretty much shrugged and complied!

Given this particular level of floundering, I think LW needed a more explicit talking-to about the moral and ethical issues as in jadelennox's comment but also probably some very specific discussion about how to disagree, contradict, make a request, or set a boundary, in the style of Captain Awkward.

[jadelennox]

It's enough to just... not want your friends to keep upsetting you?

Yes! You're right, that's completely elided here. Even without the transphobia, he's being a massive asshole.

And you're right as well that LW needs a script for dealing with conflict.

[cimorene]

Although in the answerer's defense it does sound like this guy is not really someone she needs as a friend if his response to the notion of being considerate of her is to shout at her about the very suggestion. And if her best course is to dump him, at least she doesn't need the script for him, although she is clearly in desperate need of one for later.

[minoanmiss]

LW: do you need this so-called friend?
Does your child need someone who hates them in their parent's life?

One 'no' is enough to dissolve the friendship.

[julian]

I was like, "Is there something like PFLAG for transgender kids?" and then realized, "Well, there's PFLAG..."

Anyway, so: If someone is determined to be an asshole, you can't really change their behavior. You've tried the kind of quiet "Hey, you stepped on my toe" activism, and he doesn't mind stepping on your toe. If you don't want them to continue be an asshole near you, you have to... not be around them while they're being an asshole. So, yes, script necessary.

Of the variety where, the next time he says "gender confused," you get to say, "I've told you before I don't like that. You're entitled to your opinion, but it hurts me and it hurts my family, and I'd like you to stop using it around me. If you don't, I'll have to stop [inviting you out for tea/going to the dog spa/knitting tea cosies with you]."

And next time he uses it, provide him a PFLAG informational packet, and leave. You can spend the extra time you now have to get better friends.

[mommy]

LW, the best answer is to drop the friendship entirely. He's a jerk, and he's throwing slurs around in reference to your child.