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agonyaunt2021-06-14 07:56 am
jadelennox) wrote in agonyaunt2021-06-14 07:56 am
Entry tags:
Ask Amy: LW has a transphobic friend and a trans kid and is somehow confused about what to do
Dear Amy: I have a friend with whom I often socialize. He's 65 years old and stubborn. This friend uses the term 'gender confused' when referring to people whom he perceives as not representing their assigned gender.
I used to find this annoying but would try to let it roll off my shoulders, chalking this up to his own ignorance about the gender spectrum.
Now I feel upset and angry when he uses this term because he's now referring to my own (gender transitioning) child when using this slur.
I've told him (more than once) that I find "gender confused" a slur against people who understand they are more comfortable expressing themselves as a gender other than their birth-assigned-gender, and he responded (loudly and angrily), "So you're saying I'm not entitled to my opinion?"
I believe he's entitled to his opinion, but I want to tell him that I don't want to continue our friendship if he feels a need to express his opinion in a way that makes me feel so sad and angry.
How do I do this when he isn't willing to listen or change his choice of words?
— Lonesome Single
Lonesome Single: You’ve already called out this person, and he has loudly responded that his opinion means more to him than respecting your stated wishes.
I’m not sure why you two end up discussing gender so often, but you don’t seem to have supplied him with a term you would prefer him to use. “Confusion” does not describe your transitioning child, but “Nonconforming” might.
It seems likely, however, that you do not have the power to inspire him to change either his opinion or the language he uses to express it.
Threatening to end the friendship over this will probably bring on another round of his opinions.
It’s possible that this friendship has run its course, and if that’s the case, it’s not necessary to issue a warning.
I used to find this annoying but would try to let it roll off my shoulders, chalking this up to his own ignorance about the gender spectrum.
Now I feel upset and angry when he uses this term because he's now referring to my own (gender transitioning) child when using this slur.
I've told him (more than once) that I find "gender confused" a slur against people who understand they are more comfortable expressing themselves as a gender other than their birth-assigned-gender, and he responded (loudly and angrily), "So you're saying I'm not entitled to my opinion?"
I believe he's entitled to his opinion, but I want to tell him that I don't want to continue our friendship if he feels a need to express his opinion in a way that makes me feel so sad and angry.
How do I do this when he isn't willing to listen or change his choice of words?
— Lonesome Single
Lonesome Single: You’ve already called out this person, and he has loudly responded that his opinion means more to him than respecting your stated wishes.
I’m not sure why you two end up discussing gender so often, but you don’t seem to have supplied him with a term you would prefer him to use. “Confusion” does not describe your transitioning child, but “Nonconforming” might.
It seems likely, however, that you do not have the power to inspire him to change either his opinion or the language he uses to express it.
Threatening to end the friendship over this will probably bring on another round of his opinions.
It’s possible that this friendship has run its course, and if that’s the case, it’s not necessary to issue a warning.
no subject
Anyway, so: If someone is determined to be an asshole, you can't really change their behavior. You've tried the kind of quiet "Hey, you stepped on my toe" activism, and he doesn't mind stepping on your toe. If you don't want them to continue be an asshole near you, you have to... not be around them while they're being an asshole. So, yes, script necessary.
Of the variety where, the next time he says "gender confused," you get to say, "I've told you before I don't like that. You're entitled to your opinion, but it hurts me and it hurts my family, and I'd like you to stop using it around me. If you don't, I'll have to stop [inviting you out for tea/going to the dog spa/knitting tea cosies with you]."
And next time he uses it, provide him a PFLAG informational packet, and leave. You can spend the extra time you now have to get better friends.