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agonyaunt2021-03-23 11:16 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-03-23 11:16 am
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: Cancel Culture, Online Fights, and LW's Teen Daughter
Dear Care and Feeding,
My fifteen-year-old daughter has understandably spent increasing time on social media throughout the course of the pandemic, and late last spring, she began an account where she comments on racism in pop culture. My husband and I were proud she was choosing to use social media in this way—rather than gossiping about classmates or engaging in negative behavior—and we generally supported her efforts.
Well…things have blown up. Last month, it appears my daughter “cancelled” someone in our city for racist social media activity a few years ago. This “cancelling” included publishing screenshots of the offensive language, personally identifying details about him, and a call for followers to hold him accountable. One of the man’s friends created an entire account centered around the “cancelling” and attacked my daughter (and her followers) verbally—though no doxxing, thankfully. My daughter was spending 3-4 hours per day dealing with the fallout.
Though we initially took away her access to social media to give her a chance to “detox,” the loneliness and isolation of the pandemic convinced us to let her back on her accounts, so she could maintain connections with friends and classmates. This snowballed into her spending hours online daily. She’s sadder than she used to be, receiving negative messages by the hour, and has even been called “toxic” by a former friend who apparently no longer believes in cancelling as a form of social justice. Honestly, we’re exhausted by this. I want my happy, loving, checked-in daughter back. I feel like we have a ghost who lives entirely online and it’s making her lose her spark for life. We’re on the waitlist for therapy for her. I will also admit I find “cancel culture” detestable but I generally identify as liberal—so I don’t know how to handle this topic in my own life, much less my daughter’s. I have no idea what to do from here. Please help.
—Cancelled in California
Dear Cancelled,
I find the term “cancel culture” ridiculous, because I’m old enough to remember when it was just viewed as accountability for one’s actions. If you say racist stuff and do racist things, then you should pay the price for it—or as the kids say nowadays, “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” That said, I think your daughter has put her admirable efforts in the wrong place.
First, many racists have no desire to change and will only apologize when they’re caught. More important, you and your husband should step in to educate your daughter on the consequences of her actions. If she keeps it up, it’s highly likely she will get doxxed (aka, having her private information published publicly). She could even see her enemies show up on your doorstep. I’m not saying that to scare you, but this is America in 2021, so you have be prepared. This type of work is not for the faint of heart.
Help her channel her energy in a healthy way. I’m glad you have her on the waiting list for therapy because I believe that will help her immensely, but you need something to help her now. I think the best course of action is to find ways outside of social media to fight against racism in her community and beyond. She can address racism in her school’s curriculum by talking to her teachers and administrators. She can organize racial justice Zoom calls with her classmates and her neighborhood. She can spend her free time bolstering her anti-racism education through courses, books, etc.
The goal is to show her there are many options she can use to achieve her goals of racial justice without being tethered to her phone for multiple hours a day. Calling out individual racists is fine, but it’s more productive for her to help with the bigger picture of fixing the system. In other words, she should stop focusing on the sharks, and focus on the ocean.
My fifteen-year-old daughter has understandably spent increasing time on social media throughout the course of the pandemic, and late last spring, she began an account where she comments on racism in pop culture. My husband and I were proud she was choosing to use social media in this way—rather than gossiping about classmates or engaging in negative behavior—and we generally supported her efforts.
Well…things have blown up. Last month, it appears my daughter “cancelled” someone in our city for racist social media activity a few years ago. This “cancelling” included publishing screenshots of the offensive language, personally identifying details about him, and a call for followers to hold him accountable. One of the man’s friends created an entire account centered around the “cancelling” and attacked my daughter (and her followers) verbally—though no doxxing, thankfully. My daughter was spending 3-4 hours per day dealing with the fallout.
Though we initially took away her access to social media to give her a chance to “detox,” the loneliness and isolation of the pandemic convinced us to let her back on her accounts, so she could maintain connections with friends and classmates. This snowballed into her spending hours online daily. She’s sadder than she used to be, receiving negative messages by the hour, and has even been called “toxic” by a former friend who apparently no longer believes in cancelling as a form of social justice. Honestly, we’re exhausted by this. I want my happy, loving, checked-in daughter back. I feel like we have a ghost who lives entirely online and it’s making her lose her spark for life. We’re on the waitlist for therapy for her. I will also admit I find “cancel culture” detestable but I generally identify as liberal—so I don’t know how to handle this topic in my own life, much less my daughter’s. I have no idea what to do from here. Please help.
—Cancelled in California
Dear Cancelled,
I find the term “cancel culture” ridiculous, because I’m old enough to remember when it was just viewed as accountability for one’s actions. If you say racist stuff and do racist things, then you should pay the price for it—or as the kids say nowadays, “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” That said, I think your daughter has put her admirable efforts in the wrong place.
First, many racists have no desire to change and will only apologize when they’re caught. More important, you and your husband should step in to educate your daughter on the consequences of her actions. If she keeps it up, it’s highly likely she will get doxxed (aka, having her private information published publicly). She could even see her enemies show up on your doorstep. I’m not saying that to scare you, but this is America in 2021, so you have be prepared. This type of work is not for the faint of heart.
Help her channel her energy in a healthy way. I’m glad you have her on the waiting list for therapy because I believe that will help her immensely, but you need something to help her now. I think the best course of action is to find ways outside of social media to fight against racism in her community and beyond. She can address racism in her school’s curriculum by talking to her teachers and administrators. She can organize racial justice Zoom calls with her classmates and her neighborhood. She can spend her free time bolstering her anti-racism education through courses, books, etc.
The goal is to show her there are many options she can use to achieve her goals of racial justice without being tethered to her phone for multiple hours a day. Calling out individual racists is fine, but it’s more productive for her to help with the bigger picture of fixing the system. In other words, she should stop focusing on the sharks, and focus on the ocean.
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