Dear Abby: Wife wants to read online dating emails

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My wife used the search feature for the Ashley Madison emails and discovered an old account I had signed up for late one night, before we were together. I had forgotten all about it. When she brought it up, I panicked and lied because I was embarrassed, but immediately told her what it was. She was upset, but I explained the situation and that I hadn't even thought about it since we have been together.

Now I feel hurt that she didn't trust me and felt the need to check, using the guise that "some emails were hacked." But she didn't check hers, just mine. I am upset that she checked, as I have never done anything to deserve this. How do I get over it without starting a huge fight? I am now more irritable and closed off, and this is hurting our marriage. -- HURT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT: Rather than avoid a fight, tell your wife how hurt you are that she felt she needed to check up on you, and insist this be discussed with the help of a licensed marriage counselor so you can both lay your cards on the table. You need to understand why your first instinct was to lie to her, and she needs to level with you about why she felt compelled to see if you were in that database. There are times when a confrontation can be healthy, and this may be one of them.

Comments

[cereta]

This is a head-scratcher and no mistake. I'm going to try to sort this out.

1. Wife are searching their computer to see if husband has received the Ashley Madison (a site for married people wanting an affair) advert emails. This is one of the really unclear parts: why were then looking for something? Anyone who knows the scandal better, let me know.

2. The found an old account, with which he had signed up for AM before he was marries, which is hinky, since it's a site for married people, but I'm sure he wouldn't be the only one,

3. He lied about the account, but then immediately told the wife he was telling the truth.

4. Wife claims she was just checking because some emails were hacked, but LW doesn't buy that, and is very, very hurt that she did not trust him in the first place.

5. Profit Drama.

6. I am reasonably certain that a few sentences were take off the top of the letter.

Do I have this correctly, oh community of smart people?

[eleanorjane]

Well, Ashley Madison was hacked recently and huge numbers of accounts were exposed publicly. I got the impression that what the wife was searching, was the public dump of accounts - ie. not searching their own computer for emails that LW received, but searching for evidence he'd had an account at all.

Other than that, I think your other numbered points cover it.

[eleanorjane]

I am curious about the "I panicked and lied, but immediately told her about it". If he "immediately told her about it", what was he lying about?

Also, I kind of feel that LW is overreacting. It's not like she accused him of cheating, she checked to see if he'd *ever* had an account with them.

But maybe I'm just projecting - I have to admit, if something like that happened to the singles sites commonly used in my country, I'd probably check for my partner's account - not because I suspect him of cheating on me, but out of simple curiosity about the face he used to present to the world. So I can see how that kind of search could have relatively innocent, not-untrusting motives behind it, and I feel LW is unduly defensive in the face of what seems (in the absence of more information) to be simple curiosity.

[redbird]

I would guess that LW's wife "didn't check hers, only mine" because she knew she didn't have an account, so there was nothing to check, and is throwing that in there in some vague hope of sympathy or to claim unfairness.

What stands out to me is his claim that "I have never done anything to deserve this." Either he had in fact said or done things that made his wife wonder if he had an account (and is conveniently omitting or forgetting them) or his wife was idly curious, which is fairly normal. Either way, he's trying to paint "wondered whether her husband had an account on an adultery website" as worse than "had an account on an adultery website." Once she wondered and checked that, what he got is about the best possible outcome: she asked him about it, and it sounds like she accepted his explanation even though he started by lying to her.

I hope either the LW's wife or the hypothetical couples counselor adds "why LW's immediate response was what he calls embarrassment was to panic and lie to his wife" to the topics for discussion.

[amadi]

Except her stated reasoning was that some people's emails were used on the site without their knowledge via hacks or pranks or the initial signup process that can create an account without paying for it (and thereby getting access to other users). Given that, you'd think she'd also check hers, just to be sure. But she only checked his, which suggests that she had a reason to wonder, and then made up an excuse.

[xenacryst]

Way to make it all about you, chump. Consider what your spouse's feelings might have been if, instead of an old account you "had forgotten all about"* it was recently active? You still think you'd be entitled to having your feelings of being mistrusted take precedence over, well, I'll let you color in the picture.

Fact is, this whole letter is reading like a "how do I reassure her that I'm a good guy so she won't go looking for my porn stash?" There's so much misdirection and "look, a yak!" in the letter that it's hard to figure out what's actually true.

* You hadn't forgotten all about it. You don't sign up for hinky shit online and then forget all about it. You may move on, you may not use it for years, but you don't forget. Not buying it.

[kaberett]

*snort*