Dear Abby: Wife wants to read online dating emails

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My wife used the search feature for the Ashley Madison emails and discovered an old account I had signed up for late one night, before we were together. I had forgotten all about it. When she brought it up, I panicked and lied because I was embarrassed, but immediately told her what it was. She was upset, but I explained the situation and that I hadn't even thought about it since we have been together.

Now I feel hurt that she didn't trust me and felt the need to check, using the guise that "some emails were hacked." But she didn't check hers, just mine. I am upset that she checked, as I have never done anything to deserve this. How do I get over it without starting a huge fight? I am now more irritable and closed off, and this is hurting our marriage. -- HURT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT: Rather than avoid a fight, tell your wife how hurt you are that she felt she needed to check up on you, and insist this be discussed with the help of a licensed marriage counselor so you can both lay your cards on the table. You need to understand why your first instinct was to lie to her, and she needs to level with you about why she felt compelled to see if you were in that database. There are times when a confrontation can be healthy, and this may be one of them.

Comments

[redbird]

I would guess that LW's wife "didn't check hers, only mine" because she knew she didn't have an account, so there was nothing to check, and is throwing that in there in some vague hope of sympathy or to claim unfairness.

What stands out to me is his claim that "I have never done anything to deserve this." Either he had in fact said or done things that made his wife wonder if he had an account (and is conveniently omitting or forgetting them) or his wife was idly curious, which is fairly normal. Either way, he's trying to paint "wondered whether her husband had an account on an adultery website" as worse than "had an account on an adultery website." Once she wondered and checked that, what he got is about the best possible outcome: she asked him about it, and it sounds like she accepted his explanation even though he started by lying to her.

I hope either the LW's wife or the hypothetical couples counselor adds "why LW's immediate response was what he calls embarrassment was to panic and lie to his wife" to the topics for discussion.

[amadi]

Except her stated reasoning was that some people's emails were used on the site without their knowledge via hacks or pranks or the initial signup process that can create an account without paying for it (and thereby getting access to other users). Given that, you'd think she'd also check hers, just to be sure. But she only checked his, which suggests that she had a reason to wonder, and then made up an excuse.