Carolyn Hax: They ‘really cannot stand’ their rambunctious grandchild

[conuly]

Hello, Carolyn: My husband and I really cannot stand our grandchild. The child is loud, intrusive, screams, runs, climbs on the furniture, demands attention, interrupts, cannot sit still . . . and she's A GIRL!!!! Usually this behavior is associated with ADHD boys. We find even 20-minute video chats exhausting. All we want are two-minute videos and still photos, and to send checks for birthdays and Christmas. The other grandparents seem to be just fine with, and perhaps even adore and encourage, the child's behavior, so we're glad to defer all the holidays to them.

Can you suggest a tactful way for us to keep our sanity? It's possible she'll improve with time or medication, so we don't want to shut the door completely.

— Can't Stand Our Grandchild

Can’t Stand Our Grandchild: Oh, this just hurts my heart.

I appreciate your honesty. But all of those “ADHD boys” — and! girls! — or just energetic kids, or otherwise quirky kids of all kinds, need to be looked upon with love by the world just as badly as calmer kids do.

More so, I’d argue, when they’re not as easy to be around. The love of their people is an essential counterweight to generally unwelcoming messages from many parts of society — especially given the anxiety and depression and other co-morbidities that non-neurotypical kids deal with. Strangers tsk-tsk their parents; teachers sigh and send these kids into the hallway; peers drift away from what they don’t understand.

It’s not all dreary, of course — there are environments where these kids excel. Often their minds are as sharp and crazy-interesting as the bodies they’re in. But the dedication of people in the inner circle is still just so important.

So while I sympathize, I beg you to find ways to meet this grandchild where she is. Get the show out of confined, sit-still places and take it on the road to (pandemic-safe) play gyms, parks, hiking trails, water parks, climbing gyms, whatever you can find that allows gross-motor release.

Then, delight in this child’s joyful movement. Then, delight in a calmer, well-exercised child.

Trust me on this. And do try.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-they-really-cannot-stand-their-rambunctious-grandchild/2021/02/01/aa52edaa-5ce4-11eb-8bcf-3877871c819d_story.html

Comments

[conuly]

1. LW needs to toss that casual sexism and double dose of ableism right into the nearest volcano.

2. If you hate the fact that your grandchild acts like a child, there's a simple solution: tell the parents you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her. They'll be sure that you never do again. Problem solved, and it's a lot kinder to that child in the long run.

[troisoiseaux]

I normally lurk rather than comment, but everything about this letter breaks my heart for the little girl.

[shirou]

As the parent of a child with ADHD—fuck these people. (Carolyn gives good advice.)

[jadelennox]

As an adult with ADHD who was a little girl with ADHD -- and whose step-grandad had real problems with me when I was a kid -- two thumbs up. And thanks for being a good dad to your ADHD kid.

[othercat]

These people need to not have any contact with that poor kid. Or rather, the reverse. :/ Like. I hope the parents get how awful this set of grandparents are and cut off contact.

[lilysea]

I would really struggle to spend time with the grandchild,

because loud, high pitched/shrill noise is a migraine trigger for me

and sudden random fast movements is really bad for my Anxiety/PTSD.

But that means that we have incompatible access needs, not that grandchild is a bad kid!

I wish the grandparents could frame it as "we struggle with X behaviour, what are ways of interacting that would work for both us and grandchild"

eg maybe you write her letters?
maybe you send her a cheap camera and she sends you photos she took?

rather than "grandkid is bad and should change!"

[conuly]

YES.

[sporky_rat]

You have just managed to explain in much clearer terms why small, highly active children send me into both migraine and bad brain place.

Thank you! (I love my very small cousins. I can take them in very very small doses.)

[julian]

Is it mentioned how old this kid is? Doesn't seem like it.

I'm going to assume she's below 10.

It really is perfectly fine to minimize your exposure to someone you don't like. If you live a distance away, you can just... not visit much. And give presents when called for. Biological family does not have to be some kind of magical "WE MUST ALL BE *THS* CLOSE!" (Carolyn is giving advice from that context, because it's the dominant paradigm, and from that context, it's quite kind and good advice.)

The thing is, I wouldn't mind minimizing the kid's exposure to the grandparents, because wow, the sourpuss-ness. Kids pick up on unspoken messages. I'd rather those messages didn't include people thinking, "You are a pain in our asses."

Also, yes, they have no freakin' idea about girls, ADHD, or anything else about someone younger than Methuselah.

[lemonsharks]

I dearly hope the LW tells the child's parents exactly what they wrote here, immediately, so that they can be removed from her life before they have the chance to do lasting damage to her sense of self worth.

[minoanmiss]

This.