Care & Feeding: Sick of Moving

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Growing up, I moved four times before age 15. My family wasn’t in the military or anything, and we didn’t struggle financially—my parents just couldn’t decide which jobs they wanted or how close they wanted to be to extended family. It destroyed my ability to make and keep friends, and had long-lasting impacts on my self-esteem. I swore I’d never do that to my kids.

My wife is a doctor who is about to finish residency. We have 2-year-old twins. My wife can earn slightly more money, and have slightly better job prospects, if she does a two-year fellowship (kind of like an extended residency) for which we will have no say in location. I want to jettison fellowship and move immediately to the city where we’ll stay long-term. I want my kids to make friends at preschool who they can grow up with. My wife is insisting that our kids are too young to remember this move anyway, and as long as we settle down by the time the kids are 4 or 5, that will provide enough stability. I’m extremely aware my past history with frequent moves is probably coloring my judgment on this. What say you? Should I bite the bullet and deal with the brief move in exchange for a slightly higher chance of long-term stability thereafter? Please help.

—Done With Moving in Minneapolis

Dear Done With Moving,

I’m with your wife on this. I can’t remember anything that happened to me when I was 2 years old—can you? Not to mention, how many times have women taken one for the team to further the careers of their husbands? The answer is often.

I don’t discount your history, but kids are resilient and can handle almost anything if they have supportive parents to help them. Also, your kids have the extra benefit of having each other to lean on as twins (I’m a twin, so I’m speaking from experience here).

You’ll be fine, your kids will be fine, and your wife will thrive in her chosen career on her terms. Everyone wins.

—Doyin

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

To be fair, at four or five the kids will remember parts of the second move, and they may experience some distress at leaving friends and familiar places. But LW's wife is correct, and LW can hopefully set aside their misgivings to help the kids through it as needed.

Edit to add LW may want to discuss these feelings with someone, certainly before the second move.