Dear Prudence: My daughter stole my other daughter's husband

[lemonsharks]

Q. Choosing sides: Four years ago, my daughter “Cindy’s” husband “Andy” impregnated my other daughter, “Allison.” Andy left Cindy for Allison, and our family imploded. Cindy and Allison (and my third daughter, “Alice”) were very close growing up, so Allison hurting Cindy this way came out of the blue. Cindy suffered a breakdown, and our family rallied around her. A consequence of this is that we (my husband, Alice, and I) were not as involved with Allison’s pregnancy as we would otherwise have been. Alice sided with Cindy and largely cut Allison out of her life. My husband and I have seen Allison, but we despise Andy and were incredibly disappointed in her.

Allison and Andy now have two children and seem to be very much in love. I love my grandchildren, and I see them often. But, perhaps unfairly, I always give Cindy first dibs on the holidays, and my husband and I celebrate with Allison’s family on a different date if Cindy wants to spend it with us. I know Allison longs to make amends with her sisters and is sometimes upset that my husband and I don’t broker a peace. This holiday season we got in a fight because she feels that I’ve chosen Cindy over her and am punishing her children for something she and Andy did.

Am I a bad parent or grandparent if I never approve of their marriage? Cindy is engaged now, and Allison says that when Cindy has children, she worries I will favor them over her own. She says she knows what she did was wrong but that my husband and I shouldn’t punish her forever. I don’t want to punish Allison, but I just can’t bring myself to ignore the hurt she and Andy have caused our family.

A: The question of whether you’re punishing Allison is an open one—you may be!—but alternating holidays between her and Cindy is not a punishment so much as an acknowledgment of reality. It’s also not retribution that you haven’t “brokered a peace” with someone who’s very clearly uninterested in making peace! You cannot force Cindy to forgive Allison, and it would be wrong of you to promise anything of the kind. If those are Allison’s only objections to your conduct, you should kindly but firmly let her know you make no apologies for keeping Cindy in your life or respecting her limits by not trying to force them into the same room together. You say you love your grandchildren, see them often, and seem very clear that they’re not in any way responsible for how their parents got together, so unless there’s something critical you’re leaving out here, I don’t think you have to subscribe to Allison’s fear that you might someday favor Cindy’s hypothetical children over hers. Rather, her fear seems to be the idea that you’ll continue to maintain an independent relationship with Cindy and any children she may have, and that this will sometimes mean you can’t spend time simultaneously with Allison and her children. Again, that’s not a punishment—merely a consequence of only being able to be in one place at any given time.

If, on the other hand, Allison objects to how often you bring up the circumstances of her marriage to Andy, or any other (in)direct ways you remind them of your disapproval, you might find an opportunity to change something there. You don’t ever have to like how they got together, or even pretend that you do, but it is reasonable to ask that if you’re going to maintain a relationship that you act, after four years, as if they already know your opinion on the subject, and therefore don’t need to hear about it again.

Comments

[green_grrl]

Cindy is engaged now, and Allison says that when Cindy has children, she worries I will favor them over her own.

Easy peasy: Allison, have an affair with Cindy’s fiancé and have children with him. Now you’re guaranteed Mom will treat them exactly the way she treats the kids with Andy! /s

It sounds like the grandparents are being good to the kids, and kids generally go along with whatever parents tell them. If it’s, “We’re seeing grandma and grandpa on Christmas Eve and having our family Christmas in the morning,” or vice versa, they’re not really going to care. If Allison is ranting in front of the kids, “I wanted to have grandparents at this time and it’s no fair they’re going to Cindy’s!” then that’s what’s going to make them feel left out.

Also, everyone needs to work out what to tell the kids if they ask about it. As little ones, all they need to know is that mom and dad did something that hurt Aunt Cindy’s feelings a lot so it’s hard for her to be around them. But by the time they’re young teenagers and understand relationships, someone needs to tell them before they find out via grapevine. And yeah, they’ll probably hate Mom and dad for a while for being so shitty. Congratulations, more consequences.