(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My son has been dating a girl for a little over three years. My husband and I really like her. Our son loves her. Here's the problem: I have asked her before to help in the kitchen with meal preparation and cleanup, and she refuses.

They come once a week for meals, and we eat in front of the TV while watching shows. Everyone brings their dishes to the kitchen, but I'm left with the cleanup. Once, when I asked her for help, she said that she is company and wouldn't expect me to help at her house. They were here for Thanksgiving, and my mom asked her to join us at the table and visit, but she declined, saying she was OK where she was. My mom was hurt and upset.

I'm planning a big Christmas dinner and want the girls to help with cleanup and to sit and visit after the meal. How can I get her to get involved in the kitchen work, both before and after, and to put her phone away and sit and visit with us? -- Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Staring at your phone and texting while at your potential in-laws' house is very rude. The polite thing to do is ask the host if he or she needs help, but it is also polite for the host not to expect the guests to do all the work. Have a talk with your son and ask him to help you out in the kitchen. Maybe his girlfriend will catch on and want to jump in. Her behavior toward your mother was also very rude, so address this with your son, too. Perhaps there is a reason he hasn't married her yet.

Comments

[purlewe]

yeah, if the LW wants the GF to be involved she needs to get the son involved. This means no more boys don't clean up baloney. I can see the GF saying she is a guest to soften the blow/misdirect if this was her "polite" way of saying no way am I going to do dishes to support the patriarchy. But if say, the LW had actually talked to her son about this then perhaps this would no longer be an issue. Also, at this point grandma should be allowed to sit herself down and not be doing dishes.

Another viewpoint. My wife has never, ever, helped out in the kitchen of her own house. Her father is OCD and no one is allowed into the kitchen to help cook him cook, not even his wife. And no one is allowed to help her mother clean (since she is by extension doing it the way he wants it cleaned and no one else is good enough to do it but him or her). I have never stepped foot into the kitchen bc SHE has never foot into the kitchen. If LW actually talked to the GF, like sat down outside of the kitchen and had a conversation OTHER than help me clean up the patriarchy, she might find that no one in her family cooks. They might all eat on paper plates and toss them in the trash. But really at this point have a conversation with her other than about food or cleaning and get to know her instead of having expectations. To LW the GF is a 2 dimensional figure that doesn't get to be a person unless she is helping. And that doesn't seem right.