agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My family is getting torn apart by my older brother's issue with me. It has become worse over the years, even after his marriage.

He seems to be upset with how my life is progressing, and to upset me, he has been copying everything I do. He got engaged and married around the same time I did. He also got a dog right after I did, bought a car right after me and decided he wanted to start a family as soon as my wife and I announced we are having a baby.

My parents constantly make excuses about why his actions are justified. I no longer know what to do. I tried to reconcile with him, but he rebuffed me and says he hates me. It has reached the point that I don't want to be around any of my family anymore because they defend him on everything, despite the facts. What should I do? I seem to be the only person trying to reconcile the relationship and fix/reunite my family. -- SAD SIBLING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SIBLING: I find it hard to believe that your family would side with a sibling who declares he "hates" his brother and refuses attempts to reconcile. It's important for your mental health that you separate emotionally from your brother. By that I mean dial back the resentment, live your life with your wife and child and stop obsessing about what your brother does. That he literally follows in your footsteps shows he either admires the choices you make, or that he has no imagination of his own. Neither of these should be a problem for YOU.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/12/9/1/man-isnt-flattered-by-siblings-imitation

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Oh god, this guy.

So there's a lot I'd like to say to and about this LW, and I think we can unpack it bit by bit.

1. This letter is chock-full of projection. That's my amateur armchair diagnosis, but I stand by it. LW resents Big Bro, so they claim the resentment runs the other way. LW is upset by Big Bro, so they claim Big Bro is the one who's upset. (It is, of course, possible that the resentment really is mutual - but there's no way that LW doesn't feel it. This letter is seething with resentment.)

2. Just because you feel a certain way, that doesn't mean the other person is trying to make you feel that way. I think it's very unlikely that Big Bro is really making major life decisions with the goal of upsetting LW. And if he is, joke's on him - he's now saddled with a bunch of responsibilities he can't offload, all for the sake of a little fleeting spite.

3. It is, of course, possible that the family really is toxic or at least actually does favor Big Bro over LW. That could be the cause of LW's massive resentment. However, it's also possible that they're just sick and tired of LW trying to pick a huge fight over petty, childish resentment, and making a sincere effort to tear the family apart. Pointing out that it's hardly uncommon for two adults of about the same age to get married, have children, adopt pets, and buy cars is not "taking his side" or "ignoring the facts". It is reasonable to assume that two adults at about the same stage in life are going to make many of the same choices.

4. I think it's very plausible that when LW oh-so-magnanimously went to Big Bro and offered to forgive him for, idk, living his life, Big Bro reacted angrily. I even believe he may well have said the words "I hate you", and meant them. But LW's hardly a very reliable narrator, so I think all we really know about this exchange is that LW hates Big Bro.

5. LW needs massive therapy. And while I think there's better than even odds that they're the sole cause of this specific problem, or at least that Big Bro isn't really participating in this drama at all, much less the way LW thinks, it may benefit LW to go low-contact with all the family anyway. I'm sure everybody else will appreciate the breather as well.

6. Anyway, if you feel (rightly or wrongly) that your entire family is against you, why would you want to reconcile with those people?

Having spent time with a family that is as the letter-writer describes, I think I have to disagree - Older sibling getting annoyed that younger sibling is reaching milestones before him, and pushing to "catch up" and the family treating it as 'only fair' that the older brother should have first bite at everything because he's older. It can start so young that that the family don't realise they're doing it. So the family I know thought it would be cute to show me tapes of them as baby/toddler. Older brother just getting the hang of walking, and in zooms younger brother into focus, walking quite confidently. Parents tell younger brother (a baby remember) to 'stop showing off' and focus on elder brother.

It carried on all through childhood and adolescence. younger brother worked really hard at school, older brother struggled but worked hard, but the younger brother didn't get support and praise he craved.

I came into this because I knew the elder brother first, and noted the dysfunctional dynamics to myself. I rapidly got myself out of there.

LW doesn't really describe anything, though. All they say is that both siblings are going through normal adult milestones at around the same time - which is typical if they're about the same age.

Most adults in the US do buy a car. It's very common, once you marry, to adopt a pet and have a child. Is it possible the family is dysfunctional as hell? Sure - but you can't prove it from this letter.

(At any rate, my advice would be the same. LW should get therapy, stop talking about Big Bro, and reduce contact with family until/unless they can stand to talk to those people again.)

This -- it'd be one thing entirely if LW was talking about this starting in childhood, or if his examples went back even to their teenage years, but all the examples he gives are adult examples. Almost everyone I know who has more than one sibling close in age has reached some milestone right around the same time a sibling did. Certainly I did, more than once.

Ai ya. *saddles up the Nopetopus and rides away*

Wouldn't a Nopetopus waft away on warm sea currents?

It's true, the only reason two close-in-age people raised in the same environment by the same people would aim for the same life milestones at roughly the same time is THE DEEP STATE.

But he bought a dog, didn't you hear? A DOG! This is just proof, proof, proof I tell ya!

How dare he get married, get a dog, buy a car, and start a family? That bastard.

Wow I find it really hard to have sympathy for this LW. I mean, ok, his brother saying he hates him is not pleasant, but the rest of it is just a series of whining about nothing. If a five-year-old were whining 'my brother is COPYING me!!!!!' I would be understanding, given their early stage of emotional development. But an adult who is married and about to become a parent? That's really just pathetic. And going through culturally standard life milestones on a similar timescale isn't remotely copying. But I'd still think the LW was pathetic even if brother got the same model of car and the same breed of dog. As Captain Awkward would say, your brother isn't having a normal adult life AT you.

Well. Someone sure thinks he's the bright center of the universe, doesn't he?