agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My family is getting torn apart by my older brother's issue with me. It has become worse over the years, even after his marriage.

He seems to be upset with how my life is progressing, and to upset me, he has been copying everything I do. He got engaged and married around the same time I did. He also got a dog right after I did, bought a car right after me and decided he wanted to start a family as soon as my wife and I announced we are having a baby.

My parents constantly make excuses about why his actions are justified. I no longer know what to do. I tried to reconcile with him, but he rebuffed me and says he hates me. It has reached the point that I don't want to be around any of my family anymore because they defend him on everything, despite the facts. What should I do? I seem to be the only person trying to reconcile the relationship and fix/reunite my family. -- SAD SIBLING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SIBLING: I find it hard to believe that your family would side with a sibling who declares he "hates" his brother and refuses attempts to reconcile. It's important for your mental health that you separate emotionally from your brother. By that I mean dial back the resentment, live your life with your wife and child and stop obsessing about what your brother does. That he literally follows in your footsteps shows he either admires the choices you make, or that he has no imagination of his own. Neither of these should be a problem for YOU.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/12/9/1/man-isnt-flattered-by-siblings-imitation

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Having spent time with a family that is as the letter-writer describes, I think I have to disagree - Older sibling getting annoyed that younger sibling is reaching milestones before him, and pushing to "catch up" and the family treating it as 'only fair' that the older brother should have first bite at everything because he's older. It can start so young that that the family don't realise they're doing it. So the family I know thought it would be cute to show me tapes of them as baby/toddler. Older brother just getting the hang of walking, and in zooms younger brother into focus, walking quite confidently. Parents tell younger brother (a baby remember) to 'stop showing off' and focus on elder brother.

It carried on all through childhood and adolescence. younger brother worked really hard at school, older brother struggled but worked hard, but the younger brother didn't get support and praise he craved.

I came into this because I knew the elder brother first, and noted the dysfunctional dynamics to myself. I rapidly got myself out of there.

LW doesn't really describe anything, though. All they say is that both siblings are going through normal adult milestones at around the same time - which is typical if they're about the same age.

Most adults in the US do buy a car. It's very common, once you marry, to adopt a pet and have a child. Is it possible the family is dysfunctional as hell? Sure - but you can't prove it from this letter.

(At any rate, my advice would be the same. LW should get therapy, stop talking about Big Bro, and reduce contact with family until/unless they can stand to talk to those people again.)

This -- it'd be one thing entirely if LW was talking about this starting in childhood, or if his examples went back even to their teenage years, but all the examples he gives are adult examples. Almost everyone I know who has more than one sibling close in age has reached some milestone right around the same time a sibling did. Certainly I did, more than once.