More missing missing reasons!

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I'm a widow. My husband died about a year ago.

My son is 37. He refuses to talk to me because of something minor. His siblings fear his behavior, so they cannot persuade him to change.

When he doesn't like your attitude, he puts you in quarantine. He has no relationship with his two older brothers. His wife doesn't like to get involved because she also fears being cut off.

How can I cope with this? After all, he is my son. This is on my mind all the time, and I try to come up with different ways to deal with it. His attitude is degrading. If I could stop thinking about it, I would be calmer.

— Ruminating Widow

Dear Widow: You have experienced a huge loss. I believe that you ruminate about your son’s behavior because on some level you think that if you behave differently, he will behave differently – and you won’t experience another loss.

Given how your son handles all of his relationships, it is unlikely that he will spontaneously change. You can protect yourself by reacting honestly, proportionately, and calmly: “I believe you are hurting, and that’s why you push other people away. You’re an adult. I hope you can find a more productive way of handling disputes with people. I find your treatment of me degrading, and I’m not here for it. I will always welcome you into my life, but I also expect you to be nice to me.”

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2412352?fs

Comments

[conuly]

Never, ever will I not love reading letters like these. In this we have the interesting twist that Son is also estranged from his older brothers, whom I'll assume are LW's sons as well. So we can at least entertain the possibility that, shockingly, he's the one more at fault here - or even the one solely at fault!

Of course, the fact that LW slides right over what happened ("something minor"), gives us the emotions of people who aren't LW, and then refers to the situation as "degrading" (which, if nothing else, seems like an odd word choice. Possibly accurate, but not the emotion I'd focus on here) means that we just can't be sure.

At any rate, LW would be well-served to go to therapy to learn to deal with their emotions regarding all this, because Abby is right - you can't force somebody to be part of your life, even if they're the one in the wrong.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Of course, the fact that LW slides right over what happened ("something minor"), gives us the emotions of people who aren't LW, and then refers to the situation as "degrading" (which, if nothing else, seems like an odd word choice. Possibly accurate, but not the emotion I'd focus on here) means that we just can't be sure.

Yup.

I'm not on speaking terms with most of my blood family (my mother is the only one and that only rarely) and it would definitely be phrased by any of them as "something minor" (because deadnaming and misgendering me and making fun of my disabilities / weight / etc is "something minor").

So sure, LW's son could be the asshole, but also sometimes when more than one family member is cut off and the phrase "something minor" is used, there might be a reason for that.

Hard to say, really, I'm not there.

[fred_mouse]

As another person whose 'something minor' was significant disregard of my health, I hear you.

[katiedid717]

I can understand the LW glossing over what happened by calling it "something minor" because I've had similar happen in my family. My brother didn't talk to one of my sisters for over a year because...she got engaged while he was engaged. He refused to go to her wedding and wouldn't even invite her to his. Because she got engaged six months after him. He was being petty and cruel over something that didn't really have any impact on his life, but talking about it seems like it's straight from a soap opera. Whenever any of the rest of us need to bring up the backstory between them, we tend to say "Well, there's drama between Brother and Sister dating back to 2011 when he stopped talking to her over something stupid."

[conuly]

Yeah, it could go either way this time.

[purlewe]

Sometimes the something minor can be the final pebble that causes the avalanche. LW saying the same things one too many times and the son just can't take it anymore. Or. The something minor can be something in the opposite direction. The son just decides that this is the hill he wants to die on and refuses to speak anymore. Either way. The person has stopped talking and the LW needs to get some help to stop obsessing over it. Let it go. It isn't worth it to obsess. Even with all this time the pandemic has created to navel gaze, let it go.

[kiezh]

Amy's blind spots are fascinating. The advice to LW is to set a boundary and stop interacting with someone who is unpleasant, but Amy somehow doesn't notice that the Terrible Behavior LW accuses her son of perpetrating is... setting a boundary and refusing to interact with people he finds unpleasant?

LW: When he doesn't like your attitude, he puts you in quarantine.

Amy's advice: "I find your treatment of me degrading, and I’m not here for it. I will always welcome you into my life, but I also expect you to be nice to me."

Uh-huh.

(I'm sure that "something minor" was something completely unremarkable that no reasonable person could possibly take offense at! Obviously LW is just so good at respecting people's boundaries and honoring their feelings, she would NEVER try to police her children's lives and emotions, or pull a "but faaaaaamily" when they don't want what she wants. No one who grew up under that benevolent hand could ever possibly want to run screaming into the night.)

[shirou]

We have someone like this in my family. She has, at various points in time, been no-contact with just about everybody. She is an angry person. I feel sorry for her. Unfortunately, there is nothing to do but accept it and move on.

[julian]

I would wager "something minor" is anything but.

I also wish Amy would recommend therapy, because sometimes that's useful! Especially if you're ruminating over and over and over. (And over.)

[kiezh]

Yeah, you're right, regardless of who did what to whom and why in that carefully elided account, the problem the LW actually did ask for advice about was "not obsessing about this constantly," and therapy would have been a good suggestion for that. Also as a place to process grief and general family issues.

[julian]

Yes indeed. Even if right now she's Determindly Not Feeling Grief, it will probably come eventually, and it'd be better if it didn't come with *even more denial*.

[green_grrl]

the problem the LW actually did ask for advice about was "not obsessing about this constantly"

Yes, exactly.

I could see this letter through either lens:
1) The son is toxic and it’s better for everyone that he’s taken himself out of their lives. (I lean slightly towards this one, as narcissists don’t usually describe themselves/other family members and wife as being in fear.)
2) The family is toxic and it’s better that he’s taken himself out of their lives. (Missing reasons.)

Therapy could give some much needed perspective in either case.

[kiezh]

I mean, it could be both! He could be reacting to a fucked-up family in a fucked-up way. That's certainly a thing that happens.

I wouldn't trust LW to be an accurate reporter of anything to do with him, though, because of the missing reasons and because of the "everyone's AFRAID of him!" rhetoric with no specific incidents cited - I tend to trust LWs more when they get specific. Does he yell insults? Did he physically threaten or attack someone? Why does LW think everyone is living in fear of him, when he goes no-contact after arguments rather than pushing himself on them?

I have seen people use "you're just so SCARY when you're angry [about being treated badly], hey everyone look how scary and angry and irrational this person is!" as a weapon, so LW's vagueness pinged me on that. He could be a nasty person too, who knows!

Anyway, yes, therapy. LW can't control her son, but there are all kinds of useful techniques she can learn for getting her mind to stop running in painful circles.