More missing missing reasons!

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I'm a widow. My husband died about a year ago.

My son is 37. He refuses to talk to me because of something minor. His siblings fear his behavior, so they cannot persuade him to change.

When he doesn't like your attitude, he puts you in quarantine. He has no relationship with his two older brothers. His wife doesn't like to get involved because she also fears being cut off.

How can I cope with this? After all, he is my son. This is on my mind all the time, and I try to come up with different ways to deal with it. His attitude is degrading. If I could stop thinking about it, I would be calmer.

— Ruminating Widow

Dear Widow: You have experienced a huge loss. I believe that you ruminate about your son’s behavior because on some level you think that if you behave differently, he will behave differently – and you won’t experience another loss.

Given how your son handles all of his relationships, it is unlikely that he will spontaneously change. You can protect yourself by reacting honestly, proportionately, and calmly: “I believe you are hurting, and that’s why you push other people away. You’re an adult. I hope you can find a more productive way of handling disputes with people. I find your treatment of me degrading, and I’m not here for it. I will always welcome you into my life, but I also expect you to be nice to me.”

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2412352?fs

Comments

[kiezh]

Yeah, you're right, regardless of who did what to whom and why in that carefully elided account, the problem the LW actually did ask for advice about was "not obsessing about this constantly," and therapy would have been a good suggestion for that. Also as a place to process grief and general family issues.

[julian]

Yes indeed. Even if right now she's Determindly Not Feeling Grief, it will probably come eventually, and it'd be better if it didn't come with *even more denial*.

[green_grrl]

the problem the LW actually did ask for advice about was "not obsessing about this constantly"

Yes, exactly.

I could see this letter through either lens:
1) The son is toxic and it’s better for everyone that he’s taken himself out of their lives. (I lean slightly towards this one, as narcissists don’t usually describe themselves/other family members and wife as being in fear.)
2) The family is toxic and it’s better that he’s taken himself out of their lives. (Missing reasons.)

Therapy could give some much needed perspective in either case.

[kiezh]

I mean, it could be both! He could be reacting to a fucked-up family in a fucked-up way. That's certainly a thing that happens.

I wouldn't trust LW to be an accurate reporter of anything to do with him, though, because of the missing reasons and because of the "everyone's AFRAID of him!" rhetoric with no specific incidents cited - I tend to trust LWs more when they get specific. Does he yell insults? Did he physically threaten or attack someone? Why does LW think everyone is living in fear of him, when he goes no-contact after arguments rather than pushing himself on them?

I have seen people use "you're just so SCARY when you're angry [about being treated badly], hey everyone look how scary and angry and irrational this person is!" as a weapon, so LW's vagueness pinged me on that. He could be a nasty person too, who knows!

Anyway, yes, therapy. LW can't control her son, but there are all kinds of useful techniques she can learn for getting her mind to stop running in painful circles.