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Dear Abby: Much younger siblings
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old male and my brother, "Brian," is 14. When I was 9, our parents split up. After a year, Mom realized she was a lesbian. She is married now to a younger woman, and they are starting a family through in vitro fertilization. Mom's wife is carrying twins -- a boy and a girl.
When I first heard about their plans to conceive, I was devastated. After a few months, Mom and I were able to reconnect and talk about it. I'm happy they're happy, but I'm still uncomfortable with the situation. When the children are born, I am unsure how I will be known. Mom says Brian and I will have "a sister and a brother."
Brian is excited that he will no longer be the youngest. But at my age, as a business owner and in a serious relationship, I prefer to consider Brian my sibling, not the twins. I will love the babies because they are connected to me, but I'm leaning toward being called their uncle or cousin because the twins will not be my blood relations.
I guess I'm "old school," and with all the changes I've experienced in my life I'm not sure I want all of a sudden to say I have new siblings. Is this OK? -- FINDING MY WAY IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR FINDING: I don't think you have to announce anything when your mother's children are born. As long as your relationship with them is a loving one, I don't think the "label" matters.
When I first heard about their plans to conceive, I was devastated. After a few months, Mom and I were able to reconnect and talk about it. I'm happy they're happy, but I'm still uncomfortable with the situation. When the children are born, I am unsure how I will be known. Mom says Brian and I will have "a sister and a brother."
Brian is excited that he will no longer be the youngest. But at my age, as a business owner and in a serious relationship, I prefer to consider Brian my sibling, not the twins. I will love the babies because they are connected to me, but I'm leaning toward being called their uncle or cousin because the twins will not be my blood relations.
I guess I'm "old school," and with all the changes I've experienced in my life I'm not sure I want all of a sudden to say I have new siblings. Is this OK? -- FINDING MY WAY IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR FINDING: I don't think you have to announce anything when your mother's children are born. As long as your relationship with them is a loving one, I don't think the "label" matters.
no subject
So LW had this period of two years between age 8 and 10 when his mother got pregnant, he had a new baby brother, his parents split up (not necessarily in that order) and THEN his mother came out.
In his teens he forms his identity in opposition to his mother's, and becomes a cross between Percy Weasley and Petunia Evans. Which is not a great look, and he's behaving badly and being a right homophobe, and he is 22, and should know better, but he still might well grow out of it.
And then, just when he thinks it's all over and he's Finally Grown Up and Understands The World Now, and he's (probably) graduated from college and started a business, gotten a girlfriend who shares his values... now this.
Dear LW,
It is definitely OK to feel unsure and upset. But please call the twins your brother and sister. They'll understand that your relationship with them is not the same as their relationship to each other, since you're 22 years older and their half-brother, but it's extremely likely to hurt their feelings if you call them something else. It'll feel pointed, like you're reminding them every time that you don't accept or approve of them.
It's clear that maturity and responsibility are important values for you, and the mature, responsible thing to do is to be kind and polite and not take your feelings out on your mother, your stepmother, or especially your new half-siblings. Unfortunately, you don't have any control over what changes happen in your life. That's life. And your mother's not doing this AT or TO you, she is just living her life. And the twins are DEFINITELY not existing AT you.
no subject