My Friend’s Teenage Kids Still Don’t Know They’re Adopted

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My very good friend, let’s call her Stacy, was married years ago, to a man whose niece had a daughter at 16. My friend and her husband stepped up and took care of the baby most days for 18 months, until the birth mother came to them and announced that she just couldn’t do it anymore. They ended up adopting the baby. A couple years later, the birth mom came to them with the fact that she was pregnant again. Stacy and her husband adopted this baby at birth. They raised both girls for the next two years before divorcing.

Skip ahead 10 years: Stacy is a single mom and she’s done an amazing job. The birth mom has gotten back together with baby No. 2’s father and given birth to a full sibling (which she seems to be doing OK with raising), but neither of her girls have any idea they are adopted. They are now 15 and 12, and Stacy has never brought it up to them, even though they see birth mom multiple times a year as “Ms. Blank,” along with her daughter. Stacy explains this away by saying they are “family friends.”

I will never be the one to tell these girls, but Stacy seems to vacillate between “they will never find out” or just being completely unconcerned. She shrugs and says, “I guess we’ll see when we get there.” I’m looking for some idea on how to support Stacy and her girls; I think this will blow up in her face, and I’m terrified for all of them.

—Not Dropping the Bombshell

Dear NDtB,

Oh, why are people like this? You are correct that the girls need to hear from Stacy, not from you, but I am extremely concerned they will find out in the worst possible way from a third party.

I think you need to write Stacy an email, with links to stories such as this that illustrate the chaos and anger and betrayal that can come from sudden, non-parent-led adoption disclosures. Talk about the likelihood they’ll get a 23andMe kit as a present from a friend. Talk about the likelihood their birth mother will let something “accidentally” slip. Ask her how she would respond to having her daughters finding out badly, and emphasize that they will find out, almost certainly, and then her chance to control the narrative and stop actively lying about “family friends” will be gone.

She may not listen. I am sure you have tried. But sometimes laying all the cards on the table and saying, “This is your decision, but I want you to have all the information possible to make the right one” can help. Every day she doesn’t tell them is a mistake and makes it harder. You are a good friend, and you are close to Stacy, and you are her best chance at not having two adult daughters who never speak to her again.

Please update, if possible.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/adoption-disclosure-teenagers-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[conuly]

Weirdly, this is the second letter in three days about disclosing adoption to an older child. Even weirder, both columns also include a letter about a child with a misshaped head. Here's the other set of letters: https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/how-to-discuss-race-kids-care-and-feeding.html

[likeaduck]

I go in two directions:

1. Assuming the LW is correct about Stacy's attitude, I don't know why Stacy would think it was possible to keep this a secret. Or why the kids have met their birth mom as a "family friend" rather than "Dad's niece X". Where is Stacy's ex in this? Do the kids have any contact with his/their birth mom's family? Presumably all of those people know what the deal is and might tell the kids someday, or let it slip by accident? And also, the oldest kid at least wasn't adopted at birth--I don't know a ton about adoption documentation, but I wonder what her birth certificate says? Like, what happens when she needs to apply for something and needs to look at that?

2. All those questions aside, is it possible "I guess we'll just see when we get there" is code for "this is a private family matter that is none of your business but I don't want to fight with you about that, friend"? It's so non-committal that it feels like a brush-off to me.

[shirou]

My reaction was similar to your #2. This is potentially a difficult situation but one that has absolutely nothing to do with LW. The best and easiest thing for LW to do is mind their own business.

[cereta]

The only exception I would make to this is if the situation requires the LW to actively lie. What is Stacy telling the girls about their births and infancies? Does she expect others to support her story, or just not contradict it? That's a moral line I draw in a number of cases (say, knowing someone is cheating on their partner), but I freely admit to having an extra horse in this race as an adoptee. I could grit my teeth and not say anything (I just did with a student, actually, who only recently told her 12-year-old that her ex-husband is not his father), although I would probably tell HER, once, that I thought it was a supremely bad way to handle it. But if she expected me to actively repeat those lies...well, honestly, I don't think we'd be friends anymore.

(To be clear: my parents handled it in the best way possible, which was just talking about it from day one, as casually as one might discuss hair color.)

[shirou]

Totally agree. When one is an outside observer, there's a gulf between staying quiet and lying, and I too would not want to cross over to lying. When one is an active participant—in this letter, that's Stacy and maybe some immediate family members—the gap is smaller. Staying quiet can be a lie of omission.

[cereta]

Oh, absolutely. I am pretty much death on people withholding information like that. I really don't think parents have a moral right to withhold information about a child's origins. Present it in age-appropriate ways, yes, but don't keep information from them.

[minoanmiss]

is it possible "I guess we'll just see when we get there" is code for "this is a private family matter that is none of your business but I don't want to fight with you about that, friend"?

Yeah, I think this was a tactful version of "Step off, sister."

[starfleetbrat]

The adoption notification issue aside, it's kinda weird that Stacey refers to the birth mom and her new daughter as "family friends" when the birth mom is the ex-husband's niece. If they are keeping the status quo in regards to telling the daughters, then the birth mother would be their cousin I think. So why not just call her that? And Stacey's ex-husband seems weirdly out of the picture from the letter. Weird because the letter says they both adopted the girls, so he would be their father still.

I feel like there's something else that hasn't been said here.

[melissatreglia]

LW, it's not your decision to make. Revealing to a child that they were adopted can be a sticky, delicate business. It's not your place to decide when that conversation should happen.

Back off, and let the mom do what she feels is right. If she truly loves her kids, she'll tell them eventually. She may need to work herself up to it, first... and your nagging ISN'T gonna help her or the kids.

[spain1]

You should tell her. I can't understand why a parent wouldn't tell a kid about the kid's life, when it could be just a matter of fact thing.

If the parent doesn't tell by a certain date, you should tell the kid. Trust me, if the kid is lied to, they won't trust the birth parent, the family friend, you, or anyone else in this world, especially those who knew and didn't tell the primary person involved, the kid.

Trust me, I'm the poster child of not knowing until my 50s. And now I'm faced with never trusting anyone ever again. Tell the adoptee!