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My Friend’s Teenage Kids Still Don’t Know They’re Adopted
Dear Care and Feeding,
My very good friend, let’s call her Stacy, was married years ago, to a man whose niece had a daughter at 16. My friend and her husband stepped up and took care of the baby most days for 18 months, until the birth mother came to them and announced that she just couldn’t do it anymore. They ended up adopting the baby. A couple years later, the birth mom came to them with the fact that she was pregnant again. Stacy and her husband adopted this baby at birth. They raised both girls for the next two years before divorcing.
Skip ahead 10 years: Stacy is a single mom and she’s done an amazing job. The birth mom has gotten back together with baby No. 2’s father and given birth to a full sibling (which she seems to be doing OK with raising), but neither of her girls have any idea they are adopted. They are now 15 and 12, and Stacy has never brought it up to them, even though they see birth mom multiple times a year as “Ms. Blank,” along with her daughter. Stacy explains this away by saying they are “family friends.”
I will never be the one to tell these girls, but Stacy seems to vacillate between “they will never find out” or just being completely unconcerned. She shrugs and says, “I guess we’ll see when we get there.” I’m looking for some idea on how to support Stacy and her girls; I think this will blow up in her face, and I’m terrified for all of them.
—Not Dropping the Bombshell
Dear NDtB,
Oh, why are people like this? You are correct that the girls need to hear from Stacy, not from you, but I am extremely concerned they will find out in the worst possible way from a third party.
I think you need to write Stacy an email, with links to stories such as this that illustrate the chaos and anger and betrayal that can come from sudden, non-parent-led adoption disclosures. Talk about the likelihood they’ll get a 23andMe kit as a present from a friend. Talk about the likelihood their birth mother will let something “accidentally” slip. Ask her how she would respond to having her daughters finding out badly, and emphasize that they will find out, almost certainly, and then her chance to control the narrative and stop actively lying about “family friends” will be gone.
She may not listen. I am sure you have tried. But sometimes laying all the cards on the table and saying, “This is your decision, but I want you to have all the information possible to make the right one” can help. Every day she doesn’t tell them is a mistake and makes it harder. You are a good friend, and you are close to Stacy, and you are her best chance at not having two adult daughters who never speak to her again.
Please update, if possible.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/adoption-disclosure-teenagers-care-and-feeding.html
My very good friend, let’s call her Stacy, was married years ago, to a man whose niece had a daughter at 16. My friend and her husband stepped up and took care of the baby most days for 18 months, until the birth mother came to them and announced that she just couldn’t do it anymore. They ended up adopting the baby. A couple years later, the birth mom came to them with the fact that she was pregnant again. Stacy and her husband adopted this baby at birth. They raised both girls for the next two years before divorcing.
Skip ahead 10 years: Stacy is a single mom and she’s done an amazing job. The birth mom has gotten back together with baby No. 2’s father and given birth to a full sibling (which she seems to be doing OK with raising), but neither of her girls have any idea they are adopted. They are now 15 and 12, and Stacy has never brought it up to them, even though they see birth mom multiple times a year as “Ms. Blank,” along with her daughter. Stacy explains this away by saying they are “family friends.”
I will never be the one to tell these girls, but Stacy seems to vacillate between “they will never find out” or just being completely unconcerned. She shrugs and says, “I guess we’ll see when we get there.” I’m looking for some idea on how to support Stacy and her girls; I think this will blow up in her face, and I’m terrified for all of them.
—Not Dropping the Bombshell
Dear NDtB,
Oh, why are people like this? You are correct that the girls need to hear from Stacy, not from you, but I am extremely concerned they will find out in the worst possible way from a third party.
I think you need to write Stacy an email, with links to stories such as this that illustrate the chaos and anger and betrayal that can come from sudden, non-parent-led adoption disclosures. Talk about the likelihood they’ll get a 23andMe kit as a present from a friend. Talk about the likelihood their birth mother will let something “accidentally” slip. Ask her how she would respond to having her daughters finding out badly, and emphasize that they will find out, almost certainly, and then her chance to control the narrative and stop actively lying about “family friends” will be gone.
She may not listen. I am sure you have tried. But sometimes laying all the cards on the table and saying, “This is your decision, but I want you to have all the information possible to make the right one” can help. Every day she doesn’t tell them is a mistake and makes it harder. You are a good friend, and you are close to Stacy, and you are her best chance at not having two adult daughters who never speak to her again.
Please update, if possible.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/adoption-disclosure-teenagers-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
(To be clear: my parents handled it in the best way possible, which was just talking about it from day one, as casually as one might discuss hair color.)
no subject
no subject