agonyaunt | Ask a Manager: Difficult Ex Is My New Coworker

My contentious ex is now my coworker
Today, my ex (mom of our two kids) showed up for orientation at the hospital were I work (without any heads-up). She’s contentious (especially lately since my new wife and I just had a baby) and she loves starting public screaming matches at inappropriate times (daycare, pediatrician’s, etc). I’m a private person and non-confrontational so I just walk away. I prefer not to work the same shifts in order to avoid conflict and embarrassment, especially since she will resent that she must defer to my directives (doctor vs nurse). I want to go to HR, but don’t know if she disclosed our former relationship and I’m afraid they’ll think I am creating trouble since no conflict has happened, yet. I’m also nervous that if I request not being on the same shift, they’ll send me to back to nights (I transferred to days a month ago after finishing a PhD and with a new baby, I’m enjoying the regular hours). Should I go to HR? How should I approach this and how much should I share?

Whoa, yes, you should disclose it, if only for your own protection in case she causes problems. Say this: “I just learned that my ex-wife, Jane Warbleworth, has been hired here as a nurse. We share two children and the relationship since our divorce has been a contentious one, despite my efforts to minimize that. I wanted to make you aware of the relationship and ask if it’s possible not to have her assigned to my shifts given the difficult dynamic. I’m particularly concerned about her ability to take direction from me.”

You could add, “My strong preference is to keep my current schedule. Is there a way to do both of those things?” There might not be — but my guess is that if you’re the doctor and the longer-term employee, it’s likely that you’ll be given at least some priority.

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My response to this is kind of complex.

I'm trying really hard not to factor in all the times I've seen a woman dismissed (especially but not at all only by a man) as 'difficult/crazy/psycho' because she evinces an emotion those around her find less than salubrious, and also all the 'MEN ARE THE REAL VICTIMS' bloviations in the comments.

That said.

I think the field of work they're in matters here because there may not be that many employment options in their local area (medical care often tends to be kind of centralized), so I don't find the ex getting a job at his workplace to be as stalkery as some thought it might be. (And I'm not surprised she didn't notify him. I wouldn't've either, lest he block my employment for spite and/or to make it harder for me to keep custody.) That said, HR will not want to risk any kind of impact on patients. Whomever manages the ex will not want to risk any kind of impact on patients. If the ex is any kind of half decent nurse SHE will not want to risk any kind of impact on patients. (If I were her I would already have spoken to my divorce lawyer and to HR about this situation.) He should definitely tell HR.

I don't think he should even go into the contentiousness of the divorce (again, if I heard that I'd be hard put not to think of the 'crazy ex' stereotype and how it's often deployed) and just point out that they are divorced and thus should not be assigned together if remotely possible. From what I've seen of scheduling in hospitals, unless it's a tiny place this should be doable.

Yeah. And I also think AAM is out of line to suggest "I'm particularly concerned about her ability to take direction from me" as a script; more reasonable, I think, would be to own the problem as "I'm particularly concerned about _my_ ability to supervise and direct her in a fair and unbiased manner."

They could both be perfectly lovely people who divorced through no fault of anyone, and it would still be reasonable to not want to be placed in a supervisory role over each other. Any decent HR department should understand that.

I don't think he needs to "own the problem." As of the moment of writing, the problem didn't exist, and "owning" it amounts to taking the blame ahead of time. If this becomes a workplace issue, that is a BAD strategy. I would suggest something along the lines of, "I'm concerned that placing us in a supervisory-subordinate relationship could be very awkward and not comfortable for our patients."

it's funny. My gender-politics-goggles made me really uncomfortable about LW's framing, and yet this is also a there-but-for-the-grace situation for me. At least once I had a #MeToo apply for my company; I knew about it because they saw we had the same alma mater in similar years so I was asked for a casual reference, and I said, very carefully, "I can't fairly tell you anything about Person because we had a toxic relationship, so you should trust someone else and not ask me" and, to give my company credit, they said "whoaaaaa we love you and we won't go further with a candidate who makes you unhappy." (This was more than 20 years ago. Today I know about missing stairs and would be more explicit about my reasons.)

But that's hardly a common interaction with a hiring manager, and I have an ex who works in my field in my area, and I sometimes wonder, absently, how I'd approach it if we ended up in the same place. It's a shitty situation for all concerned.

This is well said. I mean, there do exist women who like to start loud fights in public with no provocation -- my mother is one such. There are a lot of people in the world, with many bad habits. And yet, that framing of "she's crazy and I'm reasonable" is just a little too resonant.

(Also I'm realllly really glad they listened to you. Because ack.)

Yes, my eyebrows went up a bit when he stated that she "loves" to start public screaming matches. I mean... maybe? But I'd be a lot more sympathetic if he'd stated simply that the two of them had gotten into loud fights at inappropriate locations without suggesting that she does it on purpose, with no provocation from him, for the sheer enjoyment of it.

I think the fact that this is AAM makes a big difference in the advice here. The advice to LW is clearly the most self-protective framing of the situation that they could portray to HR -- whether that framing is true or fair is outside the scope.

excellent point.

Ask a Manager: Difficult Ex Is My New Coworker

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