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agonyaunt2020-02-13 04:18 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-02-13 04:18 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Clashing With My Wife's Partner Over Our Daughter
Dear Prudence,
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. It’s probably pointless to speculate about when they actually got together, although I can’t help but wonder sometimes. I try to concentrate on our 9-year-old daughter (we split custody fifty-fifty), but Carole keeps sticking her oar in. She calls me directly and tries to tell me how to raise my own child. They’re vegan, so I can’t take her out for pizza; I can’t take her to the fair because they’ve grounded her; etc.
I’ve told my ex I only want to speak to her about our kid, barring emergencies, and have reminded them both of our custody agreement. It works for a little while, then Carole starts up again. I recently bought a two-seater sports car and went to pick up my daughter from school, only to find out Carole had told another parent that I would be picking up her daughter as well as my own. This was news to me, I couldn’t fit both girls in the car, and Carole ended up having to leave work early to take the girl home. Everyone was irritated. Carole told me I needed to grow up and that my car was “ridiculous.” If the girls weren’t there, I would have lost my temper. I told Carole she needed to learn to stay in her lane, as she wasn’t the parent here. I ended up fighting with my ex over the phone later. I ended the conversation by saying I was done dealing with this, and next time I would be getting in contact with a lawyer. We have not been to court because I didn’t want to make my daughter’s life more difficult. My ex doesn’t make much money. I want at least to be a civil co-parent with my former wife, but Carole is making that impossible.
—Failing Civility
I don’t think it’s just Carole who’s making a civil co-parenting relationship difficulty. Your ex-wife seems perfectly happy to let her girlfriend interfere with your custody agreement and you deal with the fallout. It may seem less obvious because her passivity is less visible, but your ex is at the very least choosing to overlook Carole’s involvement. And without demonizing Carole, it’s fair for you to object when you receive after-the-fact, contradictory information about your daughter’s needs, limits, or punishments from your ex’s girlfriend. As long as your ex and Carole are together, it’s probably unrealistic to think you’ll be able to avoid Carole completely. But I don’t think your idea of getting in touch with a lawyer is necessarily a bad one. Your previous informal custody agreement is no longer serving any of you well, and it might help to get everyone on the same page and make sure that all of your obligations are laid out clearly.
That doesn’t mean you have to be maximally combative. You can reach out to your ex, see if she’s willing to meet with you and a lawyer or mediator, and ask for her cooperation, rather than saying, “I’ll see you in court and Carole in hell.” For the present, whenever possible, politely disengage whenever Carole tries to get in touch with you. You can at least decide to be calm no matter how much she frustrates you. She can’t keep you from being a civil co-parent—that will always remain within your power.
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. It’s probably pointless to speculate about when they actually got together, although I can’t help but wonder sometimes. I try to concentrate on our 9-year-old daughter (we split custody fifty-fifty), but Carole keeps sticking her oar in. She calls me directly and tries to tell me how to raise my own child. They’re vegan, so I can’t take her out for pizza; I can’t take her to the fair because they’ve grounded her; etc.
I’ve told my ex I only want to speak to her about our kid, barring emergencies, and have reminded them both of our custody agreement. It works for a little while, then Carole starts up again. I recently bought a two-seater sports car and went to pick up my daughter from school, only to find out Carole had told another parent that I would be picking up her daughter as well as my own. This was news to me, I couldn’t fit both girls in the car, and Carole ended up having to leave work early to take the girl home. Everyone was irritated. Carole told me I needed to grow up and that my car was “ridiculous.” If the girls weren’t there, I would have lost my temper. I told Carole she needed to learn to stay in her lane, as she wasn’t the parent here. I ended up fighting with my ex over the phone later. I ended the conversation by saying I was done dealing with this, and next time I would be getting in contact with a lawyer. We have not been to court because I didn’t want to make my daughter’s life more difficult. My ex doesn’t make much money. I want at least to be a civil co-parent with my former wife, but Carole is making that impossible.
—Failing Civility
I don’t think it’s just Carole who’s making a civil co-parenting relationship difficulty. Your ex-wife seems perfectly happy to let her girlfriend interfere with your custody agreement and you deal with the fallout. It may seem less obvious because her passivity is less visible, but your ex is at the very least choosing to overlook Carole’s involvement. And without demonizing Carole, it’s fair for you to object when you receive after-the-fact, contradictory information about your daughter’s needs, limits, or punishments from your ex’s girlfriend. As long as your ex and Carole are together, it’s probably unrealistic to think you’ll be able to avoid Carole completely. But I don’t think your idea of getting in touch with a lawyer is necessarily a bad one. Your previous informal custody agreement is no longer serving any of you well, and it might help to get everyone on the same page and make sure that all of your obligations are laid out clearly.
That doesn’t mean you have to be maximally combative. You can reach out to your ex, see if she’s willing to meet with you and a lawyer or mediator, and ask for her cooperation, rather than saying, “I’ll see you in court and Carole in hell.” For the present, whenever possible, politely disengage whenever Carole tries to get in touch with you. You can at least decide to be calm no matter how much she frustrates you. She can’t keep you from being a civil co-parent—that will always remain within your power.