Dear Abby: sleepovers with adult men

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'd like your opinion on something that is creating a rift between me and my sister. My 6-year-old daughter, "Mara," who is very sweet and mature, is used to spending the night away from me because she has been spending weekends with her grandparents since she was little. Now she wants to have overnights with "Uncle Bob," who is not a blood relative but a good friend who is like family.

I have no concerns about this even though Bob is a bachelor who never had children. Mara loves him, he loves her, and I trust him. My sister, who is childless, feels strongly that this is not right. She thinks a 6-year-old should only be with her parents and grandparents. She tells me I should ask a psychologist. I am asking you. -- TRUSTING MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR TRUSTING MOM: I'd be curious to know what Mara's father thinks of this. But since you asked me, let me point out that your little girl may be sweet and mature for her age, but at 6 years old she is also inexperienced, trusting and vulnerable. Because she loves Uncle Bob, I can understand why she might want to stay overnight at his house. In 99 percent of the cases it would be OK. But in light of what we see in the news, it's your job as a mother to err on the side of caution, and I don't recommend it.

Comments

[cereta]

Let me say this as someone whose 8-year-old daughter has good relationships with several of my adult friends, and who is saddened that we sometimes have to account for other people's hyper-vigilance about an adult male taking an unrelated little girl to a movie or somesuch:

HELL. NO.

Look, I trust my male friends with my life, and with my daughter's, and if it came down to one of them watching her overnight because of an emergency, I would not worry even a little. But a sleepover just for funsies? No. Just NO, and I am reasonably confident that said friends (whom I can't imagine suggesting it, at least not without their wives' involvement, and mostly not even then) would feel the same way. You are exposing your daughter to completely avoidable risks, and exposing "Bob" to potentially disastrous misunderstandings.

Have Bob over to your house all you want, but sleepovers at his place? NO.

[vass]

I feel weird about the LW stating how "mature" her six-year-old is in this context.

[cereta]

Yeah, that made me a little squirmy. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but that was one of a few bits that set off some quiet alarm bells.

[minoanmiss]

Okay, now I feel weird. Because I feel that LW shouldn't do this, to her daughter or to Bob, but.

I'm Aunty Ny to my little roommates. They even sleep in my bed sometimes. If I had an apartment of my own I would totally take them for nights over at my place (they and their parents need more breaks from each other than they all get). .... and I can do that and say I would in part because I'm a woman and lent a sort of trust a man wouldn't be.

I feel very strange about this.

[cereta]

That came up in the comments. My daughter has an auntie and a great auntie who have both taken her overnight, and we have other friends we've trusted that way. The bottom line, though, is, IMHO, that the trust you are lent because of your gender is based on a statistical reality: the vast majority of child molesters and rapists are men, even if you account for underreporting of women sexual predators. Is it fair to stamp all men with that suspicion? No. But when I'm making decisions for my daughter and her safety, I have to prioritize her, not what's fair to someone else.

This doesn't mean I would never let her stay over, say, with a friend who had a single father, or in an emergency, a few of my male friends. But a sleepover with no other kids, just for funsies? Yes, I would feel very different if you were the adult in that situation than if it were even my closest male friends, the ones I consider family.

[amadi]

I feel like it's weird for children to have "sleepovers" with anyone other their own same age peers. Hang out for an afternoon with an Auntie or Uncle (by choice or blood)? Sure. But why an overnight? If parents need overnight babysitting, it seems it should be an arranged sleepover playdate or with a usual sitter, rather than random adult persona. If it's just for the novelty of a night in a new place or extended time with someone they like/love, no, it's not worth the possibility of a problem.

I was also particularly struck by the childless sister's declaration that children should only be with their parents and grandparents. It sounds like the LW was casting around to get opinions from trusted sources, but her sister's specificity sounds like "I don't want to ever babysit your child overnight."

[cereta]

I'll admit, my daughter has asked about an overnight with her "auntie," and I would not be opposed to it, so I get that part of it. I'd be more worried about her having sleepovers with friends whose parents I don't know very well. There's no getting around that this is a gender thing for me; I own that.

[amadi]

I only slept over at two friends' houses until my senior year of high school for that very reason, so I hear you. But I also feel like even if you know someone well, it's not like they're going to admit abusing children, so eventually trust comes into play.

[deird1]

I've had most of my nephews over for sleepovers (usually in pairs). They and I enjoy each other's company, my sisters get a night off, and I get to put yet more effort into building an auntie/nephew relationship so that they know they have a full network of friendly adults who love them.
Why is that weird?

[amadi]

It's not, because I assume you spend time with these kids independent of their parents other than sleepover times. I didn't get the impression from the letter that that's the case with the kid and the cool uncle.

[recessional]

....see, my thing is: grandparents (and actual blood-relation uncles) are just as likely to molest her as anyone else. And aunts and so on are also significant dangers.

Frankly, my male relatives are as dangerous as my male friends, who are in turn only maybe half again to twice as dangerous as my female relatives and overall the only thing I've got to tell me who is safe for my child besides ME is my judgement. Assuming my female friends are safer than my male friends based on gender isn't me unfairly singling out men: it's me unwisely trusting women.

The one reason I would say "no" (assuming I genuinely and completely trusted this man - which is a huge assumption, but moving on) is mostly out of concern for what OTHER people would decide about Bob. And that's a really good solid reason, because GOD knows that shit is poison. But that's all.

[cereta]

That's an interesting perspective.