Parent Upset That Son’s School Dwells on Racism

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: Seemingly out of the blue, they are reading lots of books about race at my son’s school. Seriously, they have read three books back-to-back about racial injustice. While I think it is important for the kids to learn about these topics, it is making us uncomfortable. Not everything is about race, but you would never know from this class. I don’t have the knowledge or time to debate these issues with my son every day.

I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk

DEAR TOO MUCH RACE TALK: I need to respectfully disagree with you on this. Hopefully your son is in the perfect place to engage in a conversation that is necessary for healing in our country. The good news, in my book, is that schools are walking toward the challenge rather than avoiding it. Perhaps our youth will be able to wrestle issues of diversity, equity and inclusion in respectful, creative ways. Consider that this is the way you can think about the curriculum he is engaging, rather than as a burden.

I think you should read the books, too, so that you can have informed conversations with him about what he is learning. Your job as a parent is to guide your child and to help him process whatever information comes before him. The more you equip yourself with the conversations of the day coupled with your own experience, the better you will be able to help him navigate this extremely challenging reality -- that racial injustice is still staring us in the face, and we have to do something about it.

For support, visit courageousconversation.com. This organization is devoted to helping educational institutions -- from administrators to students to parents -- learn how to talk respectfully and honestly about the realities of race, equity, inclusion and diversity in meaningful ways.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2020/1/30/0/parent-upset-that-sons-school-dwells#disqus-comments

Comments

[conuly]

I mostly only posted this in case anybody here has a particular desire to go read the comments over at uexpress. They're delightfully toxic and awful! I utterly regret having so much as glanced at them! I have no idea what I was thinking!

Also, I really wish LW had deigned to give us a booklist. How can I properly assess their gripe if I don't know what books triggered it?

[cereta]

Dear LW,

You want your son to be thoughtful and "not racist," but lack the time and knowledge to engage with him on those topics. Surely it's a good thing that the school is picking up your slack, no?

No Love,
Dr. Lucy

[evilsusan]

"we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white."

Why not? Everyone else has to go around super self-conscious about their race. Why defend white privilege?

I have a friend who is black. In a tearful, vulnerable moment, she told me how hard it is to listen to white people complain so much about their minor concerns while she legitimately has reason to fear, every single day, that her husband or son might not come home, killed for what other people think their skin color and hair texture mean.

"Not everything is about race" is a great goal, but we're not there yet.

[xenacryst]

Ignoring institutional racism is a great way to perpetuate institutional racism.

[ioplokon]

Honestly, I think it is actually way better for the son to experience and start processing 'white guilt' while still in school than leaving it for adulthood (where it is just as overwhelming and a lot of adults shut down entirely around it). Like, when else should people do that?

I also think the parents need to have more education on different concepts of responsibility? You can be responsible for fixing a problem even if you aren't directly, individually guilty of causing it. I don't think anyone wants the son to 'apoligize for being white' but he should feel he has a share in the responsibility to build a world free of racism.

[tielan]

Oh LW, honey.

I shouldn't have to apologise for being myself, but after the umpteenth "But...you're Australian?" I now pre-explain myself because I just know that some person who doesn't have to be white but is always quite clueless just HAS to ask "but...how can you be Australian when you're Chinese?"

All things considered, your son being white is a really lucky thing for him (and for you, because white mothers with visually black children have a lot more stress to deal with over the way their black kids are treated) and it's an excellent thing that he's learning the other side of the story.

You sound quite a lot like my friends who didn't understand why I thought The Joy Luck Club was such an amazing movie; they were nice people, but they were White People - and possibly even Nice White People. But I didn't have the vocabulary to explain why a depiction of someone like me in a life that was very much like mine was exciting then; I do now. So grow a pair of ovaries and suck up your whiteness, princess. You don't want to feel uncomfortable about being white? I'd like to not feel uncomfortable about being non-white in a White People Culture. And of the two of us, you'll get what you want, and I never truly will. So my sympathy is not great for you.

[lemonsharks]

If it was three books in a row about mediocre white boys succeeding through the ~power of believing in themselves~ you can bet LW wouldn't be complaining.

[purlewe]

but knowing that kids get on a particular wavelength, reading 3 books in a row doesn't seem that ridiculous. I remember when I read every book I could find about superstitions in a row. I think I read 4 or 5? Then I moved on to folk stories.. I read like 10 different countries folk story books. I was definitely in elementary school when this happened, so younger than 5th grade.

I also feel like this equates to when women talk in meetings. If they talked like 20-25% of the time men felt like they talked more than 50% of the meeting. Which shows perception v. actual amount of time. If LW feels like books about racism are taking up more than their fair share of time they haven't realized that actual people of color deal with their internal thoughts/other people's external actions to them WAY more than white people do.

If this is just about reading books like ones written by Jason Reynolds (like say his Track series, which is 4 books and deal with 4 different perspectives of being a kid of color in a sports team) I can totally see a teacher assigning all 4 books. You get the story from 4 perspectives. Which I think is an AMAZING thing that Reynolds did. And reminds me I need to finally pick up the 4th book.