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agonyaunt2019-12-30 02:18 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2019-12-30 02:18 pm
Entry tags:
Beast Mode: I Want a Dog, but My Husband Refuses. Should I Just Do It?
I consider myself a feminist, and the idea that I need his permission really, really irks me.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years. I grew up with a menagerie of pets, and he didn’t have any. (His mother hates animals.) Today we have two cats, though I desperately want a dog. We both work full time, but I permanently work from home so I would provide 100 percent of the care (as I do for the cats—I don’t mind; I’m the animal caretaker). He’s ambivalent about the cats, but he says we can absolutely not get a dog. He says they are too messy, smelly, and expensive, and he gets angry when I bring it up. But really … those are not good reasons to me to not adopt a dog! We have a huge property and both work in the tech industry, where we make good salaries. I’ve wanted a dog for 20 years and have never been able to get one, but Hubby spends freely on his incredibly expensive hobby. Is my marriage doomed? Is there any way to convince him to “let” me get a dog? (By the way, I know pets are generally a family decision that should be unanimous, but I consider myself a modern feminist, and the idea that I need my husband’s permission for anything really, really irks me.)
Is there any hope? I want a dog in my life, and I’d like to keep my husband too. My family says I should just get the dog and let the chips fall where they may. Please help me convince him that a dog is not the end of the world!
—Living in a Dog-Less Marriage
Dear Living in a Dog-Less Marriage,
Humans didn’t always like dogs. According to one widely believed theory, history’s greatest friendship began thousands of years ago when packs of relatively docile wolves began loitering near hunter-gatherer camps to nosh on the leftovers and trash. These proto-pups realized this strategy was far easier than hunting, and so the species began its millennia-long effort to enter our good graces. Wolves evolved into dogs, and nature’s supreme suck-ups now live inside our houses and eat specially formulated food that we invented just for them. Playing the long game worked.
Nevertheless, some Homo sapiens, like your husband, have managed to resist dogs’ charm offensive. You may find it annoying, but you should be happy he’s doing this now and not thousands of years ago. If he had been one of those hunter-gatherers hanging around the campfire, he might have chased away those affable wolves and changed the course of human and canine history forever. Who knows, we could all be snuggling with our domesticated possums right now.
Your husband could become enchanted by the dog, but the opposite response is also possible.
I sympathize with your frustrations. You feel you are being denied something we both believe is great. The companionship that a pooch provides is special, and it’s hard for dog lovers to understand why some people wouldn’t want that in their lives. Hell, even the Grinch had a dog. But I don’t think your husband is a petty monster who lives in a cave and steals presents from the little wormlike mutants in Whoville. (Unless that’s the expensive hobby you allude to in your email.) Getting a dog is a big deal, and I imagine he’s more concerned about the general threat of change than the animal itself.
The “get a dog and let the chips fall where they may” strategy is pretty common. There’s even an entire Reddit page dedicated to dads who were once reluctant to get pets but are now helpless puddles of doting adoration. It’s insanely cute! Still, it’s a risky tack to take. A dog should be a source of joy, not resentment. You have the right to make this decision yourself, but the pup is going to have to live with everyone in your household no matter what. If this is going to drive a wedge between you and your husband, please think hard about that possibility—and about the furry wedge’s own well-being before you do it.
Your husband could become enchanted by the dog and turn into one of those adorable Reddit dads. But the opposite response is also possible. What matters most is that you are 100 percent confident that you can keep and care for the dog no matter the situation—and that any situation, including one that damages your marriage—is worth it.
You want me to convince your husband that getting a dog won’t be the end of the world, but I can’t do that. Only a dog can help accomplish this, which brings us to a potential solution. Shelters and rescue agencies are always looking for families to foster their animals. It’s still a lot of responsibility, but it might be easier to persuade your husband to give this a try because it is by definition temporary. (Though it can become permanent if you want it to be.) Think of it as a compromise with an option to convince.
This is not the simplest answer, especially with children or cats (make sure the shelter knows about them, by the way!). But at the very least, it’s a great way to help animals in need. With any luck, one of them might be able to turn your husband into a gushing dog lover, just like the rest of us.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years. I grew up with a menagerie of pets, and he didn’t have any. (His mother hates animals.) Today we have two cats, though I desperately want a dog. We both work full time, but I permanently work from home so I would provide 100 percent of the care (as I do for the cats—I don’t mind; I’m the animal caretaker). He’s ambivalent about the cats, but he says we can absolutely not get a dog. He says they are too messy, smelly, and expensive, and he gets angry when I bring it up. But really … those are not good reasons to me to not adopt a dog! We have a huge property and both work in the tech industry, where we make good salaries. I’ve wanted a dog for 20 years and have never been able to get one, but Hubby spends freely on his incredibly expensive hobby. Is my marriage doomed? Is there any way to convince him to “let” me get a dog? (By the way, I know pets are generally a family decision that should be unanimous, but I consider myself a modern feminist, and the idea that I need my husband’s permission for anything really, really irks me.)
Is there any hope? I want a dog in my life, and I’d like to keep my husband too. My family says I should just get the dog and let the chips fall where they may. Please help me convince him that a dog is not the end of the world!
—Living in a Dog-Less Marriage
Dear Living in a Dog-Less Marriage,
Humans didn’t always like dogs. According to one widely believed theory, history’s greatest friendship began thousands of years ago when packs of relatively docile wolves began loitering near hunter-gatherer camps to nosh on the leftovers and trash. These proto-pups realized this strategy was far easier than hunting, and so the species began its millennia-long effort to enter our good graces. Wolves evolved into dogs, and nature’s supreme suck-ups now live inside our houses and eat specially formulated food that we invented just for them. Playing the long game worked.
Nevertheless, some Homo sapiens, like your husband, have managed to resist dogs’ charm offensive. You may find it annoying, but you should be happy he’s doing this now and not thousands of years ago. If he had been one of those hunter-gatherers hanging around the campfire, he might have chased away those affable wolves and changed the course of human and canine history forever. Who knows, we could all be snuggling with our domesticated possums right now.
Your husband could become enchanted by the dog, but the opposite response is also possible.
I sympathize with your frustrations. You feel you are being denied something we both believe is great. The companionship that a pooch provides is special, and it’s hard for dog lovers to understand why some people wouldn’t want that in their lives. Hell, even the Grinch had a dog. But I don’t think your husband is a petty monster who lives in a cave and steals presents from the little wormlike mutants in Whoville. (Unless that’s the expensive hobby you allude to in your email.) Getting a dog is a big deal, and I imagine he’s more concerned about the general threat of change than the animal itself.
The “get a dog and let the chips fall where they may” strategy is pretty common. There’s even an entire Reddit page dedicated to dads who were once reluctant to get pets but are now helpless puddles of doting adoration. It’s insanely cute! Still, it’s a risky tack to take. A dog should be a source of joy, not resentment. You have the right to make this decision yourself, but the pup is going to have to live with everyone in your household no matter what. If this is going to drive a wedge between you and your husband, please think hard about that possibility—and about the furry wedge’s own well-being before you do it.
Your husband could become enchanted by the dog and turn into one of those adorable Reddit dads. But the opposite response is also possible. What matters most is that you are 100 percent confident that you can keep and care for the dog no matter the situation—and that any situation, including one that damages your marriage—is worth it.
You want me to convince your husband that getting a dog won’t be the end of the world, but I can’t do that. Only a dog can help accomplish this, which brings us to a potential solution. Shelters and rescue agencies are always looking for families to foster their animals. It’s still a lot of responsibility, but it might be easier to persuade your husband to give this a try because it is by definition temporary. (Though it can become permanent if you want it to be.) Think of it as a compromise with an option to convince.
This is not the simplest answer, especially with children or cats (make sure the shelter knows about them, by the way!). But at the very least, it’s a great way to help animals in need. With any luck, one of them might be able to turn your husband into a gushing dog lover, just like the rest of us.
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Dear LW's husband: if you need a couch to stay on while you figure out your new living arrangements, I will ask my housemates. No promises.
Dear LW: There is a difference between liberation and trampling other people. You need your husband's permission to get a dog not because he is male but because all housemates should be in agreement before adding another. (Check with the cats while you're at it.)
Dear Beast Mode: I rolled my eyes so hard at the evangelism towards non-dog people that one of my eyeballs nearly fell out. That said I'm relieved you didn't actually advise the LW to go ahead and foist a dog on the person she allegedly loves.
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There's no contradiction between feminism and "everyone in the family should be on board and in favor of a major decision like this"...
One of my coworkers has a dog she hates. She has this dog because others in her family wanted a dog. So now there's a dog. She has not come around on this dog. I don't think she ever will. She's also the one taking care of it. Kinda a shitty situation.
Also, "fostering a dog" is getting a dog. It's getting a dog for a shorter period of time, but it's still getting a dog. The answer to "I don't want a dog" is not "we'll just have a dog for now, not forever".
As someone who doesn't want a dog ever, I am not sympathetic to the LW's boundary pushing.
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LW, back the fuck off. Some people don't like dogs. Some people fear dogs! It would be great if your husband stopped trying to argue this on practical merits and said "I do not want to live with a dog, and if you want to live with me you need to respect that"—he gets to safeword dog ownership for his own reasons. You, a modern woman and enlightened feminist with a job that pays well, get to move out and use your money to live on your own with a dog if you like.
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There is an undercurrent here of unhappiness because your hubby is out spending whatever he wants on his hobby and you feel the imbalance. I recognize this vibe so hard from the so many other “modern” households in which supposedly everyone is equal and contributes to running the household but somehow the husband/father always seems to be the one who has time and money for their expensive hobbies (e.g. hockey) whereas mom is supposed to be certain that her hobby/interests are important enough before “wasting’ time or money on them, and/or should always be most interested in the kids as her hobby.
The solution is simple, divorce him, take the cats with you, get a dog (or two) and if future romance or partnership seems in the cards hold out for someone who genuinely loves the idea of living in a house with pets as this is clearly very important to you.
If one of the other commenters here wants to offer your soon to be ex-husband crashspace somthat he moves out rather than you and the cats then even better - it sounds like your lifestyle and home are perfect for dogs once you ditch the husband and his hobbies, but ditch him anyways even if you have to be the one to move out.
Sorry you wasted 20 years on him.
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I'm hard-pressed to believe that LW didn't know this about him before they married. And this is NOT the kind of thing you make a unilateral decision about.
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2) Your husband not wanting a dog is an excellent reason why he should not have to live with a dog.
3) A dog is not a hobby. Your cats are also not hobbies. Your implied complaint about your husband's expensive hobby might be good topic for another letter, but is not relevant to this one.
4) If you want a divorce, then get a divorce. If you don't want a divorce, then it might be worth your while to work on not trampling boundaries.
5) Seriously, not everyone likes dogs.
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No dog. No. Ack.
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If you even for a second, a little bit, thought "the dog", you need to be thinking hard about whether you actually want to be in this marriage or not, and whether it's really the lack of dog that's making you unhappy, or whether it's him being him. You can worry about a dog after you figure out the marriage.
If you immediately thought "him, of course, the dog's never going to matter more than him" you need to work on why the lack of dog is making you so unhappy, and what you can do to fix that without making your husband miserable in turn.
(I suspect the actual problem here is not "I want a dog", it's "I feel like I don't have control over my own home and life", and probably both of you have some work to do here.)
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