Miss Manners: the charitable gift in another's name

[movingfinger]

(Or something to that effect.)

Dear Miss Manners: Every Christmas, I am the recipient of a card from a really darling relative. This relation makes a charitable gift to a third party, and then sends me the card as an acknowledgment of her giving (which is noted as being done on my behalf).

It is, of course, a thoughtful gesture. However, I am unsure exactly how to respond. Do I thank her for thinking of me? Or do I thank her for thinking of others (the third party)?

I understand her charitable giving. What I do not understand exactly is how to acknowledge her efficiency in getting the two birds with one stone (a card to me and also a donation to a charity). I feel almost chastised for not having made the charitable gift on my own (which I recognize is not at all her intention). But how does one properly respond to such a "gift"?

Having always deplored this twofer trick, Miss Manners finds this neither darling nor thoughtful nor truly charitable.

The advantages to the giver are obvious: money saved by counting the donation as also fulfilling the obligation to buy a present; the satisfaction of feeling doubly charitable, and a tax write-off besides. The recipient gets — nothing. Not even a choice of charities. Miss Manners has even been told of people being “honored” with donations to causes they oppose.

No wonder you are puzzled about giving thanks.

Still, you cannot politely ignore the gesture. Try: “Thank you for thinking of me. I hope that your favorite charity appreciates your generosity.”

Comments

[jadelennox]

do you know if the food bank is one she actively supports? Or do you know anyone in her family that you could ask? Like, could you ask one of her kids or grandkids what she would appreciate, or what charities she supports with her own time, money, and resources?

[jadelennox]

One thing I have thought of doing in a case like that (although I admit I let life get away with me and never followed through) was looking up online until I found a local boutique chocolate shop and then ordering a small gift, like this chocolate mouse. Even if they don't like /can't eat chocolate, the sentiment comes through, and the gift is small. You can often find gifts like that that come along with a charitable donation if you think that's the kind of thing she would like-- in fact, while I was looking for the chocolate mice and penguins I love so much, I found that the same chocolate shop is about to start doing a chocolate elephant with profits going to an elephant charity. Of course all that depends on where she lives and what's available there and how easy it is to web search for those kinds of things.

[redbird]

Yes, find out what charity she supports, if any. It might turn out that she has specific reasons not to want to support a specific thing in her area or, more likely, that she has a specific food bank (or elementary school or...) that she cares about.

[jadelennox]

Miss Manners has always been deeply annoyed by charity gifts, which is one of the rare places I disagree with her vehemently. That being said, I do generally agree that you shouldn't make a charitable gift for someone that you don't know that's something they'd appreciate. I have done charity for friends that I know actively want it, and there have been some years where me and my family agreed to do charity gifts. But if you are just generally making donations, just make them.

(I suppose one exception is after someone dies, where I always do donations and never do flowers, but I'm not sure if I have ever, as an adult, had someone close to me die where they didn't actually have a listed charity for in lieu of flowers, usually right there in the obituary.)

[shirou]

I think I agree with Miss Manners here. If you want to give to a charity? Great! Don't try to pretend the donation is also a gift to someone else. But I'm open to being convinced I'm wrong.

[conuly]

I suppose it matters if you know whoever-it-is would like you to donate to this charity instead of giving them something tangible.

[kutsuwamushi]

I would be pleased if someone donated to charity in my name.

If they took the money they would have spent on a gift for me and donated it to a charity that is relevant to what I care about, then I think that counts as a gift to me too.

But if they just assigned my name to charitable donation they would have made anyway, that would be tacky.

(And I wouldn't give this kind of gift unless I knew the person would welcome it.)

[fred_mouse]

We specifically requested charity donations on our wedding registry.

[edenfalling]

I have given charitable donations in a friend's name as holiday and birthday gifts, but only when she'd put "make a donation in my name" on her wish list, with three or four charities specified as the targets. In that case, there's no problem since you know the "recipient" will be pleased.

But unsolicited donations in someone's name are... kind of awkward, honestly? I was the recipient of one, once, and while it's nice to know that a friend considers you a charitable person who supports good causes, it's not really a situation where there's a standard social script for how to respond.

[ambyr]

I don't object to people making charitable donations in my name if the cause is one I vaguely support, but unless I've specifically asked them to do it I don't think of it as a gift to me. I'm not going to resent it--I don't expect gifts from anyone, so if they don't give me a gift, that's fine?--but I admit my response would be something like Miss Manners's.

(Exception: If the donation also accrues some direct benefit to me, like a museum membership, then sure, it's both a charitable donation and a gift.)

[ambyr]

I would totally be chuffed about someone giving me a quality puffin picture!

(Should you, yourself, be in need of more puffin pictures, a friend of mine runs a blog called The Daily Puffin: https://www.facebook.com/thedailypuffin/. You're on your own for making them into glossy prints, though.)

[conuly]

Hm. Rather cynically, I find myself wondering exactly how many puffin photos they have. Do you really get an individual photo, or do they just cycle through, like, five of them?

[conuly]

Oh, no, poor puffin.

[fred_mouse]

I know when we bought an animal sponsorship for Eldest when they had nothing they actually wanted, they got a certificate of the animal, but it was clearly acknowledged that this donation was contributing to the care of the animal (this was for a breeding program at the local zoo, from memory)

[minoanmiss]

That's adorable.

[dine]

this is a weird thing - not really a gift and there's a stealth self-serving thing what with the tax benefit to the giver. I think it's probably not usually the thing to do.

however, in some circumstances, if you really know the recipient, it might be different. my parents do not want nor need 'stuff' - they're elderly and are not lacking the essentials,and are trying to weed out many of the nonessentials accumulated over 80~ years. so I sometimes donate to Heifer in their name, because they really approve of the organization's goals, but that's about the only time I'd do so.

[cereta]

The only times I've made gift-donations is when either (a) someone has requested them in one way or another, or (b) when a beloved pet has died. I've given memorial donations to shelters on those occasions, because I know they'll be welcome. Otherwise...no.

[tielan]

In terms of how to respond, a polite "Thank you for thinking of me, but perhaps [alternative]" would surely suffice if one doesn't like having donations made on one's behalf.

"That was an excellent idea - good choice!" would be advised if one does like the donation made and the charity chosen.

If one doesn't like the charity they picked, then maybe "Ooh, I hope [charity they picked] does work like [preferred charity] which I support." That's pretty much all you can do to hope that they'll pick a preferred charity next time.

[the_rck]

My husband and I exchange charitable donations with his sister's in-laws. We share a lot of holidays with them because my SIL hosts. After about a decade of shared Christmases, my SIL's MIL started it by asking us if it was a thing we'd like. She donates to a charity we support, and we donate to a charity she likes. It is infinitely better than what we were doing before.

[naath]

Miss Manners has even been told of people being “honored” with donations to causes they oppose.

that is not a sadly misguided "gift", it is a deliberate slight. Of COURSE the (hypothetical) racist uncle I can't buy nothing for because social-pressure will get a donation to the NAACP. Because FUCK SOCIALLY OBLIGATED GIVING is why.

(My father, who went off on a totally unprompted transphobic rant got a donation to Crisis that I was going to make anyway; and he should be glad it wasn't to Mermaids; because, no, he's not getting nice things when he can't even keep silent about his vile opinions)

Sure, it isn't a great gift to get; but if you are a terrible person why did you expect a gift at all? No, Miss Manners, you will not guilt me in to buying nasty people gifts they want.

[fred_mouse]

<3

[minoanmiss]

Of COURSE the (hypothetical) racist uncle I can't buy nothing for because social-pressure will get a donation to the NAACP. Because FUCK SOCIALLY OBLIGATED GIVING is why.


WORD. You are my hero for today.

[redbird]

For social-obligation gifts to people you dislike, I recommend Naomi Kritzer's annual blog posts, the most recent of which is here. (The 2016 version included a section of "deplorable gifts for Trump supporters," with suggested notes like "Freedom is important to both of us, so I’ve donated in your honor to an organization committed to defending our constitutional rights" for a donation to the ACLU.)