MIL Ignores Food Allergy Issues
DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Both our oldest daughter and I have several food allergies, including nuts, wheat, and shellfish. But almost every single time we eat over at my in-law’s, my mother-in-law puts out little bowls of nuts, and has shrimp cocktails, and then serves a pasta main course. The shrimp we can avoid, and the two of us have learned to eat something before we go for dinner, but my daughter is so sensitive to nuts that even the residual oils left behind from the nuts can give her a reaction.
I have spoken to my mother-in-law about this more than once, and she just doesn’t seem to get it. I am at the point of not going to her house anymore, which I know will hurt her, but I have to protect myself and my daughter. I don’t think I have a choice, do you? --- ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD
DEAR ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD: I absolutely agree you need to protect your child and yourself.
If your mother-in-law can’t learn to work around your allergies, then either only dine with them at your place, or suggest meeting at restaurants that you know can accommodate your needs.
It also seems like your husband, if he hasn’t, should step in and explain things to his mom. Coming from her son, it might make more of an impression.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2019/12/3/mil-ignores-food-allergy-issues
I have spoken to my mother-in-law about this more than once, and she just doesn’t seem to get it. I am at the point of not going to her house anymore, which I know will hurt her, but I have to protect myself and my daughter. I don’t think I have a choice, do you? --- ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD
DEAR ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD: I absolutely agree you need to protect your child and yourself.
If your mother-in-law can’t learn to work around your allergies, then either only dine with them at your place, or suggest meeting at restaurants that you know can accommodate your needs.
It also seems like your husband, if he hasn’t, should step in and explain things to his mom. Coming from her son, it might make more of an impression.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2019/12/3/mil-ignores-food-allergy-issues
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Stop eating at her house. Stop accepting food from her, even if it looks nut or wheat free - she WILL sneak these foods into "safe" foods. And stop excusing her. She's not doing this because she doesn't understand allergies or because somebody, somewhere once lied to another person about having an allergy. She's doing this because she doesn't care about your wishes and she certainly doesn't care about your wellbeing.
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(Yes, I know, the LW didn't say the allergies are potentially fatal.)
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Yes. Poisoner. I don't know what they're trying to prove--maybe that they know better than doctors, that's a popular one--but they're playing with a child's life.
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Because Ableism. There's a whole cohort of Ableist people who believe that allergies aren't real, or if they are real, they're not as serious as the allergic person claims. [It's similar to the people who believe that if wheelchair users can walk two steps they don't "REALLY" need their wheelchair.]
To this group, allergies are seen as a sign of being a special snowflake/spoiled/entitled/an attention seeker.
Often they try to trick someone into eating the allergen to "prove" that they are lying about the severity of the allergy.
A friend of mine has a less common food intolerance [the lining in canned/tinned food sets off abdominal pain/nausea/diarrhea, so they can't eat any canned food] and their MIL fed them canned/tinned food during a weeks-long INTERNATIONAL visit at MIL's home while lying about it to "prove" that the intolerance was fake. My friend had severe abdominal symptoms during the whole visit but couldn't work out why since the food was SUPPOSED to be safe.
I do not like people with this ableist belief one bit. *angry face*
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I have a food allergy—shellfish—and truthfully, I don't know how I would react to it today because, on the advice of my allergist, I have successfully avoided exposure for over a decade. I hope nobody takes it upon themselves to conduct a surreptitious experiment on me!
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(And of course, if they DO sneak it and you ARE one of the lucky ones whose allergy has faded, they become convinced that you were always faking or always exaggerating or always wrong.)
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She never acknowledged she'd been wrong but she did stop lying about ingredients.
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T.
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*(i say almost to allow the possibility of LW's spouse addressing things in a way that leads to MIL changing her ways. small chance, i know.)
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I think there's an important addendum, here. Under no circumstances should your daughter be left alone with her grandparents, or anyone else who is not actively protesting MiL's behavior. It's not safe.
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