MIL Ignores Food Allergy Issues

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Both our oldest daughter and I have several food allergies, including nuts, wheat, and shellfish. But almost every single time we eat over at my in-law’s, my mother-in-law puts out little bowls of nuts, and has shrimp cocktails, and then serves a pasta main course. The shrimp we can avoid, and the two of us have learned to eat something before we go for dinner, but my daughter is so sensitive to nuts that even the residual oils left behind from the nuts can give her a reaction.

I have spoken to my mother-in-law about this more than once, and she just doesn’t seem to get it. I am at the point of not going to her house anymore, which I know will hurt her, but I have to protect myself and my daughter. I don’t think I have a choice, do you? --- ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD

DEAR ALLERGIC MOM OF AN ALLERGIC CHILD: I absolutely agree you need to protect your child and yourself.

If your mother-in-law can’t learn to work around your allergies, then either only dine with them at your place, or suggest meeting at restaurants that you know can accommodate your needs.

It also seems like your husband, if he hasn’t, should step in and explain things to his mom. Coming from her son, it might make more of an impression.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2019/12/3/mil-ignores-food-allergy-issues

Comments

[conuly]

Your MIL isn't ignoring these food issues, and she manifestly does "get it". Continually serving nuts and shellfish to people who will not eat those foods, no matter what the reason, is not the result of carelessness or misunderstanding. I'd go far to say it's malicious.

Stop eating at her house. Stop accepting food from her, even if it looks nut or wheat free - she WILL sneak these foods into "safe" foods. And stop excusing her. She's not doing this because she doesn't understand allergies or because somebody, somewhere once lied to another person about having an allergy. She's doing this because she doesn't care about your wishes and she certainly doesn't care about your wellbeing.

[cereta]

What you said.

[jadelennox]

Yup, this.

[watersword]

There is a word for people who try to make you consume substances that will kill you. That word is poisoner.

(Yes, I know, the LW didn't say the allergies are potentially fatal.)

[conuly]

Yup.

[onlysmallwings]

Poisoner is not inaccurate. Especially when directed at a child.

[heavenscalyx]

Poisoning is poisoning even if not fatal.

[naath]

Thou shalt not suffer a poisoner to live...

[basingstoke]

All food allergies are potentially fatal. Anaphylactic reactions can ramp up unexpectedly and bc of the location of the reaction in the mouth and neck, that can become very dangerous very, very quickly. So that's nothing to mess around with.

Yes. Poisoner. I don't know what they're trying to prove--maybe that they know better than doctors, that's a popular one--but they're playing with a child's life.

[shirou]

Why is this a thing? We've seen a lot of variations on the theme of relatives willfully sabotaging an allergic person's efforts to avoid food allergens. I just don't get it.

[conuly]

Bad people are bad.

[lilysea]

Why is this a thing? We've seen a lot of variations on the theme of relatives willfully sabotaging an allergic person's efforts to avoid food allergens. I just don't get it.

Because Ableism. There's a whole cohort of Ableist people who believe that allergies aren't real, or if they are real, they're not as serious as the allergic person claims. [It's similar to the people who believe that if wheelchair users can walk two steps they don't "REALLY" need their wheelchair.]

To this group, allergies are seen as a sign of being a special snowflake/spoiled/entitled/an attention seeker.

Often they try to trick someone into eating the allergen to "prove" that they are lying about the severity of the allergy.

A friend of mine has a less common food intolerance [the lining in canned/tinned food sets off abdominal pain/nausea/diarrhea, so they can't eat any canned food] and their MIL fed them canned/tinned food during a weeks-long INTERNATIONAL visit at MIL's home while lying about it to "prove" that the intolerance was fake. My friend had severe abdominal symptoms during the whole visit but couldn't work out why since the food was SUPPOSED to be safe.

I do not like people with this ableist belief one bit. *angry face*

[shirou]

Well, I guess that makes a certain amount of sick sense. Thanks for explaining it.

I have a food allergy—shellfish—and truthfully, I don't know how I would react to it today because, on the advice of my allergist, I have successfully avoided exposure for over a decade. I hope nobody takes it upon themselves to conduct a surreptitious experiment on me!

[conuly]

Sometimes people do seem to lose their allergies, or become less sensitive to small quantities, in the same way that people sometimes gain new allergies. This is the sort of thing that should be tested by a doctor, if you're interested - not by some asshat sneaking allergens into your food!

(And of course, if they DO sneak it and you ARE one of the lucky ones whose allergy has faded, they become convinced that you were always faking or always exaggerating or always wrong.)

[jadelennox]

People also are so weird about food restrictions. When I became a vegetarian as a teenager, my grandmother used to lie about ingredients in what she fed me. When my dad confronted her, she said "It's unhealthy to decide there are things you don't eat!!!" My dad, bless him, shouted back, "Ma, you are a kosher butcher."

She never acknowledged she'd been wrong but she did stop lying about ingredients.

[watersword]

W H A T.

T.

[cynthia1960]

Yeah, thanks for placing this in a larger context.

[basingstoke]

OOH yeah. you nailed it.

[fred_mouse]

step-mother. My mother-in-law is fabulous :)

[minoanmiss]

Why do people do this kind of thing. Why.

[conuly]

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of others?

[onlysmallwings]

You not being in her house is what MIL wants. And if your spouse is unwilling to address their mother's behavior towards you and your child(!!!), it is safer for you both to yield to that desire. If she is going to provide foods that poison a child, there is almost* no chance of family harmony.

*(i say almost to allow the possibility of LW's spouse addressing things in a way that leads to MIL changing her ways. small chance, i know.)

[cereta]

What the fuck is wrong with people where allergies/intolerances/etc are concerned? My BiL was giving me shit just last week because I wouldn't eat a piece of chocolate, and expressing skepticism when I said it would make my headache 10x worse.

I think there's an important addendum, here. Under no circumstances should your daughter be left alone with her grandparents, or anyone else who is not actively protesting MiL's behavior. It's not safe.

[azurelunatic]

The amount of emotional "hurt" she's going to be from not seeing any of you anymore is nothing compared to the potential physical harm from the allergens. Cutting her off is an extremely mild step to ensure the kid's safety.

[fred_mouse]

The thing missing in this is the one that I've seen elsewhere that says approximately 'you don't just have a MIL issue, you have a husband issue'. Because 'explaining' this isn't what is needed.