Care and Feeding: First-Grade Crushes

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

How do you talk to your young children about crushes at school? My oldest daughter is in first grade, and for the last few months, she has been talking about a classmate and how much she loves him. She even asked how to know if she should marry him.

I don’t want her to feel dismissed or belittled by me, but she is only 7! I know her feelings are real to her, but I just don’t know what to say. Please help!

—Not Ready to Be an In-Law

Dear Not Ready,

Ask her some questions about the object of her affection and just what it is that he has or does that makes her feel like she does about him. If this kid isn’t terribly nice to her, ask her to explain just why she finds him to be so dreamy and help her to understand why it’s important to surround ourselves with people who treat us with kindness. If she lists positive attributes—say, he’s good at sharing, patient, polite, and smart—explain that those are excellent qualities to have in a friend, and that friendship is the only suitable relationship between kids their age.

Let her know that it’s OK to feel butterflies in her stomach or even that she loves this classmate, but that she has to express those feelings in ways that are appropriate. Make sure she knows not to overwhelm him or, you know, propose marriage, which is something for when you’re much older. Crushes can be sweet and safe, and yes, her feelings are real to her … so be gentle with them!

Comments

[rmc28]

I remember my older child telling me he wanted to marry a classmate when they were around 6 or 7. My response was to explain that he couldn't legally until he was 16 with parental permission, or 18 without, and that this was some way off. But that if they still wanted to be married when they were 16 I would certainly support them and talk to the other parents. And this led on to discussion of other things where the law has age limits, like voting and driving.