Hitting Rough Seas on a Friendly Cruise

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My wife and I are approaching 50 years of marriage. Recently, we went on a cruise with her childhood friend, "Cindy," and her husband, "Rob." They have been friends since elementary school and Cindy was the maid of honor at our wedding.

During the cruise, Rob made a joke of a comment Cindy made, and I laughed at the delivery, no malice intended. Rob laughed, too.

A few moments later, Cindy told me that I was rude and had always been rude. This took me by surprise because I've known her and thought we were friends for more than 40 years. I apologized for hurting her feelings and asked her to accept my apology. She turned her back to me and walked away, not saying anything. Since that incident, I have avoided her. I just tolerate her presence for my wife's sake. My wife doesn't know that this incident took place, and I won't ever mention it to her for fear that their long relationship will be damaged. If it ever comes to light, it won't come from me. I was not aware that she harbored such feelings all these years and I resolved to move on from that uncomfortable incident. Life is too short to harbor resentment. It doesn't have a place in my heart, just forgiveness. -- Moving on Toward the Sun

Dear Moving on Toward the Sun: I wouldn't take this single conversation to mean the entire 40 years of friendship was a sham and she's always harbored resentment toward you. Her husband made the joke; you just laughed at. It sounds as though he might be the one whom she's really frustrated with, but you got caught in the crossfire.

In any case, I think you should share with your wife what happened. You needn't present it as you vs. Cindy. Recount the incident, being sympathetic to Cindy in your telling, and express your concern and confusion. Perhaps your wife can help patch things over or offer some insight into Cindy's behavior; perhaps not. But she is your wife, and you shouldn't keep things from her, even though you're doing so with the best of intentions.

Comments

[conuly]

So we don't really know what happened here and how it all went down, but frankly, based on what we do know I'm with Team Cindy. LW1 sounds like a tool who resents the fact that she won't forgive his years and years worth of rudeness.

[neotoma]

I suspect this was a long string of making Cindy the butt of jokes, and she's done with that and with the LW, and possibly with Rob.

I don't know that 40 years of friendship was a sham exactly, but it definitely might have been Cindy tolerating her best friend's terrible taste in husbands until she couldn't anymore.

[eleanorjane]

In contrast with the previous two commenters, I don't think we know enough - it could absolutely be that, but I think it's not guaranteed.

Honestly, were I LW, I'd be saying to my wife "...dear, I just laughed at a joke Rob made, moldly teasing Cindy, and a few minutes later she told me XYZ. Have I been an ass to her for the last 40 years and didn't realise it, or is there something up with Cindy and maybe she needs some extra love and support right now?"

...then again, it's easy to say that here from my comfy desk chair. :)

[lavendertook]

I like the advice, together with yours, because the one problem I can see that the LW has is he has a hard time asking questions--hence his high road act and never quite asking Annie for actual advice. Your advice shows him exactly how to phrase the right questions to his wife, which will probably be extremely hard for him to execute and possibly beyond his ability.

[shirou]

I agree with you and like your advice.

There are two other factors that stop me being completely "team Cindy." First, as the columnist says, LW laughed at Rob's joke; Rob told it. Whatever is going on, it sounds like Cindy's real problem might lie with Rob. LW may be, if not entirely innocent, an unwitting accomplice--exacerbating a bad situation without realizing it.

Second, I can sympathize with LW in that I, too, would feel defensive in this situation. How could one not? I can handle someone telling me my behavior upsets them and trying to fix it, but saying it for the first time after forty years of being upset, and then walking away (!) would definitely feel like a slap in the face. I'm not "team LW," but I can't say I'm fond of Cindy's behavior either.

[cereta]

I don't know. Before we left AZ, spouse has some friends who I truly, truly disliked, but I just kind of sucked it up and went to my happy place. That said, one night while I was on the job market, one of them made a really arrogant, dismissive comment that showed that he had not only not listened to me, but that he wasn't even listening to spouse. I'll admit, I kind of lost it.

It's worth remembering that girls and women are heavily, heavily socialized to just smile and nod, to go along to get along. I can easily imagine a wife putting up with an obnoxious friend of her husband for a long time, only to explode over something seemingly trivial.

[shirou]

I can imagine that too. I'm not questioning the believability of the scenario, and I'm certainly not defending anything LW did over the forty years of friendship, in part because we have no idea what that was. I just get tired of the caricature of men as insensitive cretins, and it's worth remembering that we have feelings, and most of us would indeed be shocked and hurt to have forty years of pent-up hostility flung in our faces. If LW's first reaction is to feel defensive, that isn't exactly admirable, but like Cindy blowing up, it's understandable.

[eva_rosen]

Apparently Cindy, with good reason or not, can't stand LW anymore and he's cool with not being her friend anymore, and he doesn't even want to make a fuss of it, which does seem to indicate he wasn't that invested in her friendship and both of them tolerated each other for his wife's sake anyway. So I think to keep digging on it is pointless, if both can continue keeping their interactions to a minimum.

[movingfinger]

LW's last two sentences are so self-righteous and sanctimonious that I feel sure that LW knows perfectly well what that was about and chooses not to acknowledge said understanding.

Regarding Cindy: her husband mocked her in public (not for the first time) and her husband's buddy laughed. She snapped. Dump 'em, Cindy.

[conuly]

With you on those last sentences.

[heavenscalyx]

Totally Team Cindy, having been in the uncomfortable position of pretending to like a longtime friend's obnoxious toxicly-masculine liberal-but-racist-and-misogynist partner while a repeated guest in their house and godmother to their child. It was SUCH a relief when she dumped him (and consequently, his increasingly awful family).